HAPA

Do ya'll know that I'm a HAPA?

Well I am.

Here's a definition I've borrowed from: http://profile.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=user.viewprofile&friendID=405775530

'hapa (pronounced "hoppa")
adj. 1. Slang. of mixed ethnic heritage with partial roots in Asian and/or Pacific Islander ancestry.
n. 2. Slang. a person of such ancestry. [der./Hawaiian: hapa haole. (half white)]'

Ah ha! You say. Of course.

I learned this word a few years back from my fellow hapa (aka halfie) friend Elia. She's been my hapa mentor since she was my German School teacher (every Saturday for 5 years!) back when I was in single digits. Now that I think about it, we had a very odd group in that teeny class since there were 3 of us halfies in there (incl Elia) out of 5. We were actually in the majority. Huhh. In any case, I thought this a good opportunity to share some knowledge about being a halfie in light of an email I received this morning about an upcoming event (http://www.lovingconference.com/index.php?page=home).

I'm not very interested in politics but I have always been interested in race as it is something that influenced my growth and molded me into who I am (obv in combination with other things). If I think about how much I reference being asian or having asian friends in every day life I realize that I underestimate how much it's affected me. I never really had an encounter with "race" as an issue until middle school. I think it was 6th or 7th grade when I first had someone call me a "chink" in the context of "chinky thief." I must have taken something from someone to garner this reputation but I don't remember the specifics honestly. At the moment I probably don't think I even know what that meant except that it sounded like a derivative of "Chinese." Not until it became something that was repeated did I recognize the derogatory tone. Call me dense but I was young and still an immigrant unfamiliar with American slang and culture (which is why I haven't seen the majority of the "growing up" movies such as Spaceballs and other 80s classics to this day). I digress. Any way, I think I got angry about the commentary from my classmates because it kept escalating and it became part of the vocab of other schoolmates. I tried and tried to fit in. 'True' to my ethnic background I brought in fireworks one day and I set them off with 'friends' who lived near school. One dumbass burned his hand badly and of course, I ended up getting suspended for it. The details are all a little muddled in my mind so bear with me. Mom wasn't pleased, I got more angry and she shopped around for a private school. Cue my 5 years at Birch Wathen Lenox. In hindsight I believe I was angry for a few reasons; I wasn't fitting in, I didn't quite understand why I was getting picked on or why I was different I mean, my 'difference' isn't as obvious as others. I usually 'pass' for a Filipino or Hawaiian. But it was in middle school that I learned all about 'slanted eyes,' mimicking Chinese accents, model minority and being 'yellow.' Of course I mention at least one of these things every day in casual conversation as harmless jokes but this must be where it comes from (in addition to the fact that I'm just damn funny. haha) I was raised through age 15 with just the Chinese side of my family where I was always the tallest one not to mention the only one what wasn't 100%. This is where you say, 'boo hoo Barb life was so tough here's your mini violin.' Nono. You're missing the point. At this point life wasn't tough. I'm saying that as a Hapa, halfie or anyone of mixed dissent it's another layer of adolescent mental wrestling and since it's part of who I am I'm trying to illuminate this in exchange for a bit of catharsis. To quote Jenny on the L Word (who I despise btw) I'm just sharing MY experience.

Which group do I fit into? White, Asian or neither? Maybe I should make my own!!!!!!

And I have. I realize that it doesn't matter to me any more. I'm never going to 'fit' in either and that's just fine. It's made me resistant to categorization in a few major aspects of life. I'd like to think that I look at people as a whole. And I hope people think of me in the same way. Luckily I've managed to surround myself with like-minded individuals. It's one of the wonders of living in the salad bowl of NY. (I prefer this term to 'melting pot' which connotes a combining of cultures while sacrificing the individual flavor to make something new. In a salad, each ingredient remains intact while still forming something new and different.) You can find people of all flavors.

The caveat is that I'm more aware of race perhaps than my friends and possibly a bit more sensitive when it comes to conversations about race and ethnicity but that's just fiiiiiiiiiine. I can handle it! The population gets more mixed up with each passing day and I love it. I know so many Hapa children that are now growing up in an environment that's had much more exposure to Halfies than when I was coming up. One day it will no longer be a 'difference.' It's AWESOME and I'm very excited.

Hapa-ly yours,

B