I'm sad. Sad bc there are so many people who aren't as lucky as I am. I just watched a Spanish movie called 'Princesa,' which is about these two young prostitutes in Madrid. One did it out of desperation to support her son, the other had such a sad life that being a whore almost seemed like an improvement. We don't know why her life was bad but we just know it was. I can't imagine the depths of sadness and desperation one must feel in that situation. I just can't. What I can't imagine even more is why some people are given that path in life and why I'm so lucky to have all that I have. I'm not going to ignore the fact that I've created a lot of my own happiness but why can't others do the same? Is it bc they're so far down that they can't pick themselves up? I don't get it. It seems that when people are down they do one of three things, they pull themselves together and get back on their feet or they choose to keep along on the same path or worse yet they fall victim to the path of the downward spiral.
Some people need help getting up.
I want to be that person for all the people I care about in my life...
Because while life can be a bitch it can also be wonderous and I want it to be wonderous as much as possible for everyone involved. I'm not gonna deny that it's a bit selfish of me bc if everyone around me is happy then what else is left for me but happiness? :)
Sunday, October 14, 2007
Saturday, October 13, 2007
Quality
So I'm looking at my ipod playlist on itunes, i have a teeny nano that holds about 1800 songs. One would think that'd be enough no? NO! everytime M gives me new music i have to pick through what i have to see what's 'deletable' in order to fit more new tunes. it's frustrating bc it takes time to wade through music and to figure out whether you want to keep it or not. Luckily Britney's new album is easily expendable within listening to the entire thing in minutes. J-Lo's album is a but better but nuttin is grabbing me at the moment. My point is that it's the eternal debate of quality vs. quantity. We're raised in a society that always wants more more more and though intellectually i (and I hope we) know that more is not necessarily better it's a hard concept to resist sometimes. I think we've become hoarders which, if you've been to my apt, is obv a problem since I've just got so much crap.
In any case, I have a removable harddrive of music that has been Barb tested and approved and I have to be okay with knowing that I possess the music but that i can't access it whenever i want on the b-pod. Luckily, if Britney (j-Lo ain't sounding too much better at this point) keeps putting out this crap (full disclosure, I love Gimme More. Britney, gimme more o' dat yo!) I wont have such debates of music conscience.
On a similar note, there was an issue raised this week of "Are the Chinese Trying to Kill Us?" It was a posting about the recent news regarding questionable products coming out of China. DUMAS, the country of China is not trying to kill your hick ass. Stop being so egocentric. Every company is responsible for their own product. If they choose to be cheap and compromise the materials, labor, and quality control it's their ish to deal with if the product comes out horribly wrong. Do you expect the doubtless billions of factory workers (likely poor) in China have any control over A. What they make or B. How safe the product is? They're just content to have a job. There aren't unions (that I'm aware of) there to fight for workers rights as there are in the U.S. It's likely that the Chinese workers are probably getting ill from making the stuff. So are the Chinese trying to kill themselves too? It's ignorance like that that SEVERELY pisses me off. I'm no advocate for China. I've never been and have no real desire to go. Yes, I was born in Hong Kong but that's not the point. Blanket, and purposely inflammatory statements like that are obviously NOT thought through and while free speech is one of the great things about this country (and the internet) it's statements like that that encourage hate and xenophobia. Someone always has to be blamed. It must be the 'other.' I love free speech but if you're going to blame someone, blame the source not the minions.
FYI- ALL of J-Lo's songs sound the same, it's like one continuous loop.
In any case, I have a removable harddrive of music that has been Barb tested and approved and I have to be okay with knowing that I possess the music but that i can't access it whenever i want on the b-pod. Luckily, if Britney (j-Lo ain't sounding too much better at this point) keeps putting out this crap (full disclosure, I love Gimme More. Britney, gimme more o' dat yo!) I wont have such debates of music conscience.
On a similar note, there was an issue raised this week of "Are the Chinese Trying to Kill Us?" It was a posting about the recent news regarding questionable products coming out of China. DUMAS, the country of China is not trying to kill your hick ass. Stop being so egocentric. Every company is responsible for their own product. If they choose to be cheap and compromise the materials, labor, and quality control it's their ish to deal with if the product comes out horribly wrong. Do you expect the doubtless billions of factory workers (likely poor) in China have any control over A. What they make or B. How safe the product is? They're just content to have a job. There aren't unions (that I'm aware of) there to fight for workers rights as there are in the U.S. It's likely that the Chinese workers are probably getting ill from making the stuff. So are the Chinese trying to kill themselves too? It's ignorance like that that SEVERELY pisses me off. I'm no advocate for China. I've never been and have no real desire to go. Yes, I was born in Hong Kong but that's not the point. Blanket, and purposely inflammatory statements like that are obviously NOT thought through and while free speech is one of the great things about this country (and the internet) it's statements like that that encourage hate and xenophobia. Someone always has to be blamed. It must be the 'other.' I love free speech but if you're going to blame someone, blame the source not the minions.
FYI- ALL of J-Lo's songs sound the same, it's like one continuous loop.
Monday, October 1, 2007
The Wedding
As many of you know I had what was likely one of the biggest weddings of my life this past weekend. It was emotional, draining, and incredible all at once. It's strange watching someone you grew up with from the very awkward high school years walk down the aisle. I've known so many stages of her and they were all very different. But watching her walk down the aisle was reassuring, she just looked straight ahead at her groom, completely calm and with full confidence. As she said, she couldn't even look at me bc she heard me sniffling. I'm a sap. Duh. In any case, it was amazing to see how confident she was. Isn't that what we all wish for? We all want to be with someone who we trust...completely, love...unconditionally, and feel...safe with. Good for her, young bride!
In any case, I am pooped, a little sad, a little amazed, and alot excited for them. Sad because it made me think that I have a long way to go, amazed that she's officially a wife, and excited to see what lies ahead for them. But I recognize that the sadness is momentary.
I was telling J yesterday that I occasionally have these flashes of overwhelming sadness and I'm never quite sure where they come from or what triggers them but I also know that if I felt that way all the time I'd probably have to kill myself. ha. But they are flashes, blips, and only seconds long. Upon reflection I think it's a sense of 'abandonment' and maybe even 'loneliness' that i've grown up with in my unconventional childhood that floods me on occasion and serves as a reminder of just how my emotional development may even be a little stunted because of it but really I think it reminds me of how different i am, how unlike everyone else i may be. sounds dramatic i know but i've yet to meet anyone who's in the same situation as me. suffice it to say i've met people who've had it worse but still not the same. which makes me realize that this is maybe why i like to be so occupied, why i like to be surrounded by people as much as possible. and that's not to say that i don't like to be alone (which i do) but perhaps i don't like too much time to be 'still.' perhaps why i choose to focus on others and not myself. perhaps why i'm so concerned with people liking me. it's all very interesting how someone like me turns being left alone as a child into an all out 24-7 party as an adult. if you know me, it makes sense and you probably know all of this already anyway. but i also like who i am, sometimes i am concerned that i don't consider my own feelings enough but overall i've really got nuttin to complain about. nuttin. i got all kinds of compliments this weekend and i appreciate them. i know that generally, i am in a good place so don't take this whole diatribe the wrong way, it's just me writing myself out as i'm prone to do. a bit of introspection never hurts and i've always enjoyed it. oh and just because i was left alone at one point doesn't negate the fact that i've had a very supportive family behind me from then onward. it's probably a woe-is-me way for me to think of myself so that i can hear reinforcement from other people. but enough of this heavy stuff.
what's up with you? nuttin' what's up with you? nuttin' what's up with you?
- what movie is that from?
In any case, I am pooped, a little sad, a little amazed, and alot excited for them. Sad because it made me think that I have a long way to go, amazed that she's officially a wife, and excited to see what lies ahead for them. But I recognize that the sadness is momentary.
I was telling J yesterday that I occasionally have these flashes of overwhelming sadness and I'm never quite sure where they come from or what triggers them but I also know that if I felt that way all the time I'd probably have to kill myself. ha. But they are flashes, blips, and only seconds long. Upon reflection I think it's a sense of 'abandonment' and maybe even 'loneliness' that i've grown up with in my unconventional childhood that floods me on occasion and serves as a reminder of just how my emotional development may even be a little stunted because of it but really I think it reminds me of how different i am, how unlike everyone else i may be. sounds dramatic i know but i've yet to meet anyone who's in the same situation as me. suffice it to say i've met people who've had it worse but still not the same. which makes me realize that this is maybe why i like to be so occupied, why i like to be surrounded by people as much as possible. and that's not to say that i don't like to be alone (which i do) but perhaps i don't like too much time to be 'still.' perhaps why i choose to focus on others and not myself. perhaps why i'm so concerned with people liking me. it's all very interesting how someone like me turns being left alone as a child into an all out 24-7 party as an adult. if you know me, it makes sense and you probably know all of this already anyway. but i also like who i am, sometimes i am concerned that i don't consider my own feelings enough but overall i've really got nuttin to complain about. nuttin. i got all kinds of compliments this weekend and i appreciate them. i know that generally, i am in a good place so don't take this whole diatribe the wrong way, it's just me writing myself out as i'm prone to do. a bit of introspection never hurts and i've always enjoyed it. oh and just because i was left alone at one point doesn't negate the fact that i've had a very supportive family behind me from then onward. it's probably a woe-is-me way for me to think of myself so that i can hear reinforcement from other people. but enough of this heavy stuff.
what's up with you? nuttin' what's up with you? nuttin' what's up with you?
- what movie is that from?
Sunday, September 23, 2007
waking up
today i woke up happy to be alive. why? no idea. i just did and noted the feeling. did something happen last night to trigger it? well if you mean hanging out with awesome people and having a good time as i've always done, then yes. it's nice to wake up and feel good about your life. no, i'm not saving lives or changing the world but i think everyone benefits in one way or another when people are happy. so the lesson of the day is be happy, be glad to be alive.
also, karma is a biatch. believe it.
also, karma is a biatch. believe it.
Friday, September 21, 2007
The Unattainable
what makes it so appealing? the challenge? the thought of the challenge? who knows? i'm watching Californication right now which is all about a guy who goes after unavailable women after he's let the 'love of his life' leave him and get engaged to someone else. i think it may be one of my biggest fears in life: letting someone/something go that was just oh-so-right. which is why i think i don't voluntarily let people out of my life. why i cling on to everyone i even remotely get along with in any way and i'm not just talking about romantic attachments here. honestly. the people i like, i like. and why not make the best effort to find out whether we can be great friends or not? i mean, yes, there are many ppl in this world but only a small percentage of which we'll actually click with so for me i think i'd rather just throw myself in and find out for sure. no regrets right? makes sense why i've at least made out with most of my friends. you figure if you click with them in one way why not try the other? slutty as that may sound, and i really resent that word in a serious way, it's true. now, why do i resent that word? bc it's use has become gender biased. when a man, is a slut he's a mack. when a woman's a slut, she's a ho? what? who? why? puuuulease. as long as you enjoy yourself who the hell cares and the people around you shouldn't either if they're worth their salt. peace!
Sunday, September 9, 2007
Dilly dallying
and wandering are highly underrated activities. as much as i like planning i equally enjoy not having an itinerary. it's freeing to just be able to go without a destination or thought of time. it's partly why my trip earlier this year was so great. m and i would just roll outta bed and start walking. rarely with a destination in mind. just walked until we wanted to stop somewhere. i didn't even wear a watch for most of that month unless we had to catch a flight/bus. this weekend was kinda like that and i relished it. luckily i was with ppl who could also appreciate the aimlessness and were equally non-committal to anything else. the bonus was that it was a beautiful night in the big city so we just ended up hopping around to the bars with outdoor seating along smith st. did yet another scorpion bowl. still gross after all these years. anyway, i just wanted to say it was freeing, relaxing, and a nice change of pace for this control freak. ;)
onward to a week of virgo bdays! happy happy! love you much.
onward to a week of virgo bdays! happy happy! love you much.
Tuesday, September 4, 2007
The wisdom that is...SATC
"I love you too Richard but I love me more."
Just watched SATC with my seriously addicted, of course she didn't catch the fever til after the show ended, roommate. In any case, what a great quote right? It's a nice slap in the face to whoever the offender is, poignant, and sometimes (dammit) you have to put yourself first. Something I've never been too good at. You figure you're born the way you are for a reason right? Everything should work coming out of the showroom, shouldn't it? Maybe. Maybe not. I guess it depends, sometimes it's your environment and the people around you that force you to change whether it's conscious or not. I think it may all be situational. You wouldn't change if there wasn't a need to would you? We're all need-based creatures after all. The things we need change from person to person but the innate instinct is the same. So at that moment, Samantha realized that while she needed Richard (in whatever way), she recognized that she needed to be personally fulfilled first and foremost. Yay Samantha! Yes yes, laugh away that I'm making SATC so deep but it provoked the aforementioned thought.
Just watched SATC with my seriously addicted, of course she didn't catch the fever til after the show ended, roommate. In any case, what a great quote right? It's a nice slap in the face to whoever the offender is, poignant, and sometimes (dammit) you have to put yourself first. Something I've never been too good at. You figure you're born the way you are for a reason right? Everything should work coming out of the showroom, shouldn't it? Maybe. Maybe not. I guess it depends, sometimes it's your environment and the people around you that force you to change whether it's conscious or not. I think it may all be situational. You wouldn't change if there wasn't a need to would you? We're all need-based creatures after all. The things we need change from person to person but the innate instinct is the same. So at that moment, Samantha realized that while she needed Richard (in whatever way), she recognized that she needed to be personally fulfilled first and foremost. Yay Samantha! Yes yes, laugh away that I'm making SATC so deep but it provoked the aforementioned thought.
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