Barb goes country

i know no one would ever expect me to ever say that which is why i, and everyone around me, found it amusing that i'd go rural for a weekend. dear j graciously opened up her family to me, why would i say no?

after a stressful half day at work i hit the road for my 5+ hour journey to Garrett County, Maryland. i was stressed out about being stressed out and 5 hours of solitude, music, and beautiful scenery turned out to be just what the doctor ordered. i have a strange fascination with small towns, not sure where it comes from and Accident, Maryland certainly fit the bill. the last 3 miles of my drive were through narrow country road, not a car in sight.

i could give you a play by play of the weekend but i'd rather sum it up by saying that i had no idea Maryland was far south enough to garner a Southern accent. i thought i'd have to go much further South to find this kinda charm. so wrong! plus i have a whole new appreciation for agriculture. it's easy to think that food just magically appears at the supermarket. these days we have so much less connection about where our food comes from and more importantly, who provides it. farmer's markets are the main exception, but even then, i realize there's a difference between knowing a farmer on a personal level and just purchasing from them once a week. you'd learn so much more about their ethics and be certain about what's really in the food that you're about to put in your body. i imagine my experience is the exact opposite of the industrial agriculture described in "The Jungle" or any recent Michael Pollan tome. i found it all incredibly interesting.

the other striking thing was experiencing a small town with someone who grew up in a small town. the notion of knowing everyone on your street, having your entire family and extended family within shouting distance, being able to point out the house where your mom grew up in, and following the same traditions your whole life are all foreign to me having grown up in Manhattan, with a single mother, far from any extended family. (though it's true that i find NY to be very small at times.) it's not to say that any one way of growing up is better than the other, i'm just noticing the difference and appreciate the opportunity and awareness of finding out.


because of the Edgemont crew i've always thought it was awesome to say that you've known someone (not in your family) since Kindergarten. i can't really say that about anyone, though there are people i've known for a very long time. there's no way to simulate that kind of familiarity and thus i've always treasured the lengthy relationships i do have because they remind me who i was and how far i've come. ultimately i treasure all my friends and family because they are who i am. if you ever question who you are all you have to do is look around at who you choose to surround yourself with.

so before i bore you further dear reader (me), i shall end this bout of introspection right here.

p.s. thanks to the Striders for a wonderful weekend and all this reflection!

love is all around

it's an interesting transition when family relationships become friendships. visiting family no longer becomes a once a year thing where you talk about your job and other 'safe' subjects so they don't worry about you being crazy in new york and perhaps killing yourself slowly. i've never really lived near my extended family so i've never been able to build relationships with them that more closely resemble my friendships. but as time passes and the more we see each other in our natural environments with our own groups of friends we get a more complete vision of who we are. we move past just being 'the cuz' and into actual people with lives outside of the family setting. people you're related to don't choose to be, as a result friendships aren't always a given for multitudes of reasons. but i have to say that when it does work, when you finally do bond with family it's exceedingly rewarding because blood ties draw you closer to each other much more quickly. then you find out about how much you have in common, their real wants and desires that aren't the 'safe' answers things get so much more real and interesting. you're no longer making assumptions based on what the other person chooses to show you. you become vulnerable and you don't have the choice of hiding thoughts and feelings and smiling all the time even when you don't want to because they now know better. the layers get peeled away. it's a good feeling.

i think, watching people when they're among close friends really tells you a lot about who they are. are they the ones who watch out for their friends when they're faced with unwanted attention? get them drinks? help them host? how do they greet each other? (are they genuinely excited to see each other?) how do they touch? do they care how they appear to strangers? this weekend i saw a lot of pure excitement between friends, real bonds, and a very real desire to just enjoy the moment. because, really, what else is there? exhausted as i am, i am full of love right now. (please, try not to barf on your keyboard.) i'm very lucky to have the friends i have. and now i feel like i've added a few more exceptional people. thank you.

i think, touch is a very underrated method of communication. minds out of the gutter. i value my personal space just as much as the next person, especially at rush hour on the subway but i've always been particularly drawn to people who greet with big hugs and kisses, or just touch your arm or leg when you're chatting. people who aren't afraid of contact, because i'm not, but because other people tend to be i restrain myself. i think our society has veered away from human contact for whatever reason and we can all use just a little bit more of it. just a touch can speak volumes. this weekend, i realized how important that is to me. i've noticed that i build friendships more quickly with people who are more touchy. because it's comfort. it's reassurance. it's warmth. it's acknowledgement that you're a living, breathing, human being. you're there. perhaps that's why i like to give people massages randomly.

i'm at the airport right now, already missing the people i'm leaving but also excited to be with the people at home. enough rambling i think. plus, people are scowling at me for usurping computer time.

Lucky

I'm sad. Sad bc there are so many people who aren't as lucky as I am. I just watched a Spanish movie called 'Princesa,' which is about these two young prostitutes in Madrid. One did it out of desperation to support her son, the other had such a sad life that being a whore almost seemed like an improvement. We don't know why her life was bad but we just know it was. I can't imagine the depths of sadness and desperation one must feel in that situation. I just can't. What I can't imagine even more is why some people are given that path in life and why I'm so lucky to have all that I have. I'm not going to ignore the fact that I've created a lot of my own happiness but why can't others do the same? Is it bc they're so far down that they can't pick themselves up? I don't get it. It seems that when people are down they do one of three things, they pull themselves together and get back on their feet or they choose to keep along on the same path or worse yet they fall victim to the path of the downward spiral.

Some people need help getting up.

I want to be that person for all the people I care about in my life...

Because while life can be a bitch it can also be wonderous and I want it to be wonderous as much as possible for everyone involved. I'm not gonna deny that it's a bit selfish of me bc if everyone around me is happy then what else is left for me but happiness? :)