post trip recap

ya'll know i always find it hard to sum up trips in response to the 'so how was your trip?' question. i feel like my responses are limited to great, horrible, spectacular, crappy, wonderful, etc. and so i prefer to write these little recaps where i try to do the trip justice, but in most cases, barely scratch the surface. so here goes...

Reykjavik is teeny weeny. one can walk from one end to the other in about 20 minutes, i think, at a leisurely pace. it's clean, the people are general nice, and 80% speak English. i gather it's because very few people speak 1,000+ year old Viking outside of Iceland so it's probably advantageous to learn English as well. the people weren't as ginormous as i expected even though I know they believe in gnomes. the homes weren't vast, not even outside the city (and there was a lot of space). by chance we happened to be there during Eurovision, what is it, you ask? it's a singing/talent competition between certain European countries that has taken place for the last 25+ years (or so i've been told). it's like American idol but between the contestants represent their countries. Iceland came in 2nd this year and the people were ready to celebrate! i didn't know whether they partied like this every day/night/weekend but i'd never seen anything so crazy. it's actually more what i imagine Mardi Gras to be like. picture it: it was as if all 200,000 of Reykjavik's population came out (though it was mostly the younth) to celebrate on the main street covering a few city blocks. people were standing out of car sunroofs as they drove by. i mean, ocean drive isn't even this bad. INSANE. needless to say i claimed a front row seat for people watching.

partying aside, Iceland is great for people who enjoy the outdoors, i'm not talking about camping here (which i'm not a huge fan of), i'm talking horseback riding, seeing glaciers, geysers, and waterfalls. it's all within driving distance of the city and it's supremely beautiful. the Ring road goes almost all the way around Iceland, it's two lanes, some of which (we were told) are still unpaved but a completely beautiful drive (from the little we saw). the land looks either like old lava or like moorish Scottish countryside.





The most interesting part to me was the endless daylight. And I mean endless, at least in May. I went into a bar at 1am ('dusk') and came out an hour or two later in time to catch the sunrise. I don't recall it ever being pitch black in my 96 hours there. I think i'd go mad if i stayed any longer though i enjoyed every minute of it. On the converse I don't think I could go there in December or January when the opposite is true. But despite the name, Iceland's climate is actually quite moderate. I learned that in January parts of Iceland are usually warmer than it is in NY! and the weather while we were there was generally sunny and glorious if just a bit chilly in the shade.

I think that's it for Iceland. On to Paris.

The Land of Fire and Ice

This poem is constantly on my mind here:


'Fire and Ice

Some say the world will end in fire,
Some say in ice.
From what I've tasted of desire
I hold with those who favor fire.
But if it had to perish twice,
I think I know enough of hate
To say that for destruction ice
Is also great
And would suffice.'

--Robert Frost


The landscape is so dramatic here. We rented a car and drove through the countryside today. I would say it's one of the most beautiful places I've ever been, but in a different way from Maui. Obviously, Maui is a tropical paradise, lush and beautiful. Iceland is the exact opposite. It's beauty lies in it's starkness. One can't tell whether the soil is indeed soil or lava remnants. It's dark, marshy, but not in any way scary or creepy. Perhaps because the weather has been so spectacular here thus far. Maybe if it were dark and gray i'd think less of it but somehow I don't think so. its got that very quite beauty. like comparing angelina jolie to rachel weisz.

in any case, the city itself is teeny. 300,000 people in the entire country, 200,000 of which live here in Reykjavik. i think we walked the whole city center in 20 minutes yesterday. but the residential areas of the city have a lot of charm. it's quiet. small buildings. small streets. clean. very Scandinavian but none of the uptightness i'd imagined. the funniest part thus far has been the street names. i think every name is at least 15 letters long an composed almost entirely of non-vowels and entirely unpronounceable to foreigners. i bet the locals get a kick out of listening to tourist pronunciations. for example our street is on Spitalastigur and Odinsgata and those aren't even the bad ones. but overall the people are super friendly and helpful. everyone speaks english. the food has been tasty although i don't think we've experienced much local cuisine. places we've been so far have been sandwich shops or more italian themed.

Today we went to a geyser and an amazing waterfall. We were also supposed to do a glacier walk too but it took us longer than expected to get there so we ended up missing it entirely. Tomorrow we ride Icelandic ponies but not before we go out tonight. Apparently it's a big night here because of Eurovision, something i'd never heard of until recently. it's like Europe Idol from what i understand and people from all the countries vote. the point is it's supposed to be a rollicking good time tonight so we'll see.

it seems because Iceland is so isolated that it feels like the uncool younger sibling to the other Scandinavian countries but i think it's super cool in it's own way. in the way that overshadowed younger siblings tend to be. there's a sense of quite self-assuredness and they're proud of who they are. they're the original Vikings after all. how cool is that?

mother's day

it's always been an auspicious day for me i guess though i've honestly not thought about it too much in recent years. when i was younger, i'd get sad more often than not. mostly because i felt guilty. guilty that it was only one of a handful of days in the year that i actually thought about my mother. but i have to remember that i am her. without her i wouldn't exist. there's no denying that. so even if some of my memories of my mother aren't the fondest there are many more that are awesome. she raised me as saw fit. can't question that. so living every day with happiness in mind is really the best i can do to honor her. that's what she'd want right? every mother just wants their kids to be happy yes? yes.

i think the fact that i can't 'visit' my mother at a grave has had a big impact on me. she was cremated and her ashes got lost in the shuffle somewhere. i never had the guts to sort it out when i was a kid (i mean, i was a kid) and now i think it's too far gone. but because of that i don't really believe that there's any value for me in 'visiting' because the person isn't there. it's just a body, a spot, a location. instead i chose to have her name tattooed on my spine because the spine is the epicenter of our bodies. so i don't have to visit a physical location. the sense of obligation would just make me feel guilty anyway. (damn this asian guilt!) ha.

in the back of my mind i keep track of the number of years i will have been without my mother. when i turn 30 in a year and a half i will have lived without her as long as i lived with her. i know i am a completely different person than i would've been. i know everything happens for a reason. and i know there isn't much more that i know for certain.

the point is everything that has happened to me has made me who i am. every step. every decision. every day. with every new person i meet. every last second is a contribution. it would be too easy to throw my hands up in the air and say woe is me. i've never wanted to be the victim. i don't want pity. because you know what? it could've been worse. it HAS been worse for many other people in this world. i think i've actually been very lucky. certainly when it comes to the people i've met. my people. i really couldn't ask for more amazing people. sometimes i actually feel like i'm depriving others of these wonderful people because i keep them on a 'short leash.' haha.

in the last two days two very thoughtful friends asked me about my mother and i'm very grateful for it. it's generally a debby downer conversation so it never really occurs to me to talk about it. and i really have no problem talking about it. there's just rarely a time or a place when it comes up. but i also must realize that by not talking about my mother i'm depriving my friends of the opportunity to know me better. because, again, it was her crazy asian parenting that's made me. me. so every story i tell about how she'd call the cops if i came home late from school sometimes, or how i wasn't allowed to watch tv after school, or how i was a tennis burnout. these are all important pieces of me.

i think once i have kids, the second installment of the affects of losing my mother will hit me. my grandmother died when my mother was young too. i don't want that to happen to my kids. but really, there's nothing i can do about it. it's an irrational fear. and hopefully it wont be too bad.

but every time someone says to me that they live vicariously through me i think, 'well i must be doing something right.' i think mom would be happy to hear someone say that about her kid. so there.

G L A M O R O U S

Since Friday's post was so somber I thought I'd share this little piece of delight that I created:

incredible sadness

i feel

deflated.

sitting upright is a chore. i'm hunched over my keyboard. i don't know what to do. thoughts are rushing through my head.

and so i write.

does one feel this kind of overwhelming sadness because death is truly sad? or because one is so deeply connected to the survivors?

when i heard J's voice this morning i thought something had happened to JF and was actually relieved (horrible, i know) it wasn't as i thought. i am continually in awe of my thoughts.

i don't think anyone deals well with death but i think i'm even more ill-suited than most. probably because of what happened to my mother. i think i was an emotional piece of stone at the time which probably laid the groundwork to my current state of paper flower sensitivity. isn't it interesting how things work? how our minds work? how i internalize things so much when it's not even about me boggles my mind. it's not about me right now.

i feel small and insignificant. here i am whiling my days away. what am i doing to improve humanity. am i making a difference in anyone's life? what is my contribution?

but alas, i guess that's the purpose of death.

it forces you to value life.

in the words of Maxwell (thanks V):

'I should be crying but I just can't let it show
I should be hoping but I can't stop thinking
Of all the things we should've said that were never said
All the things we should've done that we never did
All the things that you needed from me
All the things that that you wanted from me
All the things I should of given but I didn't
Oh darling make it go away
Just make it go away now.'

to never having to say 'should've'

it is with this realization. at this moment. that i once again sit upright and continue plugging away...

JF i love you.