i feel
deflated.
sitting upright is a chore. i'm hunched over my keyboard. i don't know what to do. thoughts are rushing through my head.
and so i write.
does one feel this kind of overwhelming sadness because death is truly sad? or because one is so deeply connected to the survivors?
when i heard J's voice this morning i thought something had happened to JF and was actually relieved (horrible, i know) it wasn't as i thought. i am continually in awe of my thoughts.
i don't think anyone deals well with death but i think i'm even more ill-suited than most. probably because of what happened to my mother. i think i was an emotional piece of stone at the time which probably laid the groundwork to my current state of paper flower sensitivity. isn't it interesting how things work? how our minds work? how i internalize things so much when it's not even about me boggles my mind. it's not about me right now.
i feel small and insignificant. here i am whiling my days away. what am i doing to improve humanity. am i making a difference in anyone's life? what is my contribution?
but alas, i guess that's the purpose of death.
it forces you to value life.
in the words of Maxwell (thanks V):
'I should be crying but I just can't let it show
I should be hoping but I can't stop thinking
Of all the things we should've said that were never said
All the things we should've done that we never did
All the things that you needed from me
All the things that that you wanted from me
All the things I should of given but I didn't
Oh darling make it go away
Just make it go away now.'
to never having to say 'should've'
it is with this realization. at this moment. that i once again sit upright and continue plugging away...
JF i love you.
Showing posts with label regret. Show all posts
Showing posts with label regret. Show all posts
Friday, May 1, 2009
Tuesday, May 27, 2008
action
when you think about the last action you performed that required thought (i need to go to the gym, i need to buy milk, i need to plan a holiday, i need to check my email, etc.) what are the processes that take it from thought to action? does the amount of thought correspond with the severity and importance of the action? why do some thoughts remain thoughts and never become action? and how does the brain filter? why do some have problems with action and not others? they're all very abstract questions. i recognize this. but i'm gonna try anyway.
i think, for basic everyday actions like going to the gym, cooking, buying milk, checking email, going to the bathroom, and going to work, etc., the thought process happens quickly because the actions are remote, habitual, innate and therefore barely register as actual 'thoughts.' they generally have already been learned. but when it comes to new actions like taking a new route to work, learning a new sport, new language, starting a new relationship or anything that could be written with the word 'new' the processes take longer. 'duh,' you say. 'barb, you're comparing basic human functions to larger changes, not the same thing.' you're right. but at some point, wasn't learning those basic human functions a big deal? or is it still apples and oranges?
what prompts some to action and not others?
for some reason i feel like i'm in the minority sometimes as far as people who think and actually 'do.' i like to talk and analyze. i can do it backwards, forwards, sideways and backwards again but if it's within my realm of possibility, i will also just plain do it. because isn't that the only real way to find out what you're capable of? (i was about to type 'the best way' but decided that using the word 'best' would make it a judgement and this is just thought not judgement) i've discovered it's not so for many people. but why? can we just chalk it up to all of us being different? a lack of want perhaps? or fear of the unknown? for the latter, is it then easier for a person to just constantly wonder than try to conquer the fear?
there are also people who think about something that is very much outside of their norm and do it when the right opportunity presents itself and i wonder what drives them from thought to action. but i guess i just answered my own question by saying it was the presence of, 'the right opportunity.'
undoubtedly, there are thoughts we all have that don't become reality. once upon a time i thought about shaving my head, luckily, for the greater good, i never followed through. but when was the last time you've seriously thought about something like buying a new computer, moving to Timbuktu, quitting your job, but haven't followed through with? why? i think for me, it's almost always a lack of want. i've always said that i really have to want something (moving, new computer,) or really want to be done with something else (jobs, relationships, my old computer) that the action takes place. to me, it's all about want. so if that's my mentality, that's also how i anticipate other people to process their thoughts ('they must not be doing it because they don't really want it'). i wonder what the truth is in that? am i thinking too black and white?
i guess all i can do is continually try to see others' perspectives and trust that they are capable of making their own decisions. but if you know me, you know i like to be in control and will unconsciously try to make those decisions for others even if they don't know that i'm trying. honestly, i think that's why i try to be all things to some people because then i've done my best, presented myself in the best light and will therefore be relatively blameless and free of my conscience in hindsight. because, to me, there's nothing worse than regret. nothing worse than looking back and saying, 'i should have.' because there's nothing you can DO about it once the moment has passed. so there it is. lack of action = regret (to me)
what do you think?
i think, for basic everyday actions like going to the gym, cooking, buying milk, checking email, going to the bathroom, and going to work, etc., the thought process happens quickly because the actions are remote, habitual, innate and therefore barely register as actual 'thoughts.' they generally have already been learned. but when it comes to new actions like taking a new route to work, learning a new sport, new language, starting a new relationship or anything that could be written with the word 'new' the processes take longer. 'duh,' you say. 'barb, you're comparing basic human functions to larger changes, not the same thing.' you're right. but at some point, wasn't learning those basic human functions a big deal? or is it still apples and oranges?
what prompts some to action and not others?
for some reason i feel like i'm in the minority sometimes as far as people who think and actually 'do.' i like to talk and analyze. i can do it backwards, forwards, sideways and backwards again but if it's within my realm of possibility, i will also just plain do it. because isn't that the only real way to find out what you're capable of? (i was about to type 'the best way' but decided that using the word 'best' would make it a judgement and this is just thought not judgement) i've discovered it's not so for many people. but why? can we just chalk it up to all of us being different? a lack of want perhaps? or fear of the unknown? for the latter, is it then easier for a person to just constantly wonder than try to conquer the fear?
there are also people who think about something that is very much outside of their norm and do it when the right opportunity presents itself and i wonder what drives them from thought to action. but i guess i just answered my own question by saying it was the presence of, 'the right opportunity.'
undoubtedly, there are thoughts we all have that don't become reality. once upon a time i thought about shaving my head, luckily, for the greater good, i never followed through. but when was the last time you've seriously thought about something like buying a new computer, moving to Timbuktu, quitting your job, but haven't followed through with? why? i think for me, it's almost always a lack of want. i've always said that i really have to want something (moving, new computer,) or really want to be done with something else (jobs, relationships, my old computer) that the action takes place. to me, it's all about want. so if that's my mentality, that's also how i anticipate other people to process their thoughts ('they must not be doing it because they don't really want it'). i wonder what the truth is in that? am i thinking too black and white?
i guess all i can do is continually try to see others' perspectives and trust that they are capable of making their own decisions. but if you know me, you know i like to be in control and will unconsciously try to make those decisions for others even if they don't know that i'm trying. honestly, i think that's why i try to be all things to some people because then i've done my best, presented myself in the best light and will therefore be relatively blameless and free of my conscience in hindsight. because, to me, there's nothing worse than regret. nothing worse than looking back and saying, 'i should have.' because there's nothing you can DO about it once the moment has passed. so there it is. lack of action = regret (to me)
what do you think?
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