mother's day

it's always been an auspicious day for me i guess though i've honestly not thought about it too much in recent years. when i was younger, i'd get sad more often than not. mostly because i felt guilty. guilty that it was only one of a handful of days in the year that i actually thought about my mother. but i have to remember that i am her. without her i wouldn't exist. there's no denying that. so even if some of my memories of my mother aren't the fondest there are many more that are awesome. she raised me as saw fit. can't question that. so living every day with happiness in mind is really the best i can do to honor her. that's what she'd want right? every mother just wants their kids to be happy yes? yes.

i think the fact that i can't 'visit' my mother at a grave has had a big impact on me. she was cremated and her ashes got lost in the shuffle somewhere. i never had the guts to sort it out when i was a kid (i mean, i was a kid) and now i think it's too far gone. but because of that i don't really believe that there's any value for me in 'visiting' because the person isn't there. it's just a body, a spot, a location. instead i chose to have her name tattooed on my spine because the spine is the epicenter of our bodies. so i don't have to visit a physical location. the sense of obligation would just make me feel guilty anyway. (damn this asian guilt!) ha.

in the back of my mind i keep track of the number of years i will have been without my mother. when i turn 30 in a year and a half i will have lived without her as long as i lived with her. i know i am a completely different person than i would've been. i know everything happens for a reason. and i know there isn't much more that i know for certain.

the point is everything that has happened to me has made me who i am. every step. every decision. every day. with every new person i meet. every last second is a contribution. it would be too easy to throw my hands up in the air and say woe is me. i've never wanted to be the victim. i don't want pity. because you know what? it could've been worse. it HAS been worse for many other people in this world. i think i've actually been very lucky. certainly when it comes to the people i've met. my people. i really couldn't ask for more amazing people. sometimes i actually feel like i'm depriving others of these wonderful people because i keep them on a 'short leash.' haha.

in the last two days two very thoughtful friends asked me about my mother and i'm very grateful for it. it's generally a debby downer conversation so it never really occurs to me to talk about it. and i really have no problem talking about it. there's just rarely a time or a place when it comes up. but i also must realize that by not talking about my mother i'm depriving my friends of the opportunity to know me better. because, again, it was her crazy asian parenting that's made me. me. so every story i tell about how she'd call the cops if i came home late from school sometimes, or how i wasn't allowed to watch tv after school, or how i was a tennis burnout. these are all important pieces of me.

i think once i have kids, the second installment of the affects of losing my mother will hit me. my grandmother died when my mother was young too. i don't want that to happen to my kids. but really, there's nothing i can do about it. it's an irrational fear. and hopefully it wont be too bad.

but every time someone says to me that they live vicariously through me i think, 'well i must be doing something right.' i think mom would be happy to hear someone say that about her kid. so there.