'you have to DO you'

How long do you think you'll live?

70? 80? 90 years?

Why do you think you'll get this allotment of time? Are we entitled to it? How did we become a society of people who consciously plan through death? How do we know we'll even get to that age? What happens to everything you've earned and saved if you don't get that time? Will you get to enjoy the fruits of your labor in your lifetime?

I think the answer is that we're not entitled to any amount of time. We need to stop planning and thinking about the future so much. Kindergarten, high school, college, significant other, picket fence, 2.5 children, career, retirement, retirement travel, these are all markers of a 'successful life' in our society so much so that we strive for these markers blindly/robotically and sometimes without serious examination. These are ideals, not goals. I have no problem with goals and ambitions. They're healthy and excellent. But not everyone is built to be happy with the same ideals and when we we aren't present it's harder to learn what makes each of us happy and fulfilled because we're aren't stopping to think about it, we're always thinking ahead about the next ideal and how to get there.

On the flip side, there are certainly people who are present and examine their ideals but then are afraid to veer off the 'successful life' trajectory because then there's definitely no 'guarantee' of happiness. Ack. Don't be afraid! How will you know without trying?

Now I'm not saying that one shouldn't plan for the future but one shouldn't forfeit the present in the process. The present is one of the few guarantees we have in life, not the future. I mean, would you rather make a list of all the things you've always wanted to do and wait til you're 65 to do them? Doesn't it make more sense to do it all while you're young and more physically able? I'm not saying we're all going to be crippled by 65 but biology is biology, bodies age and deteriorate, it's just a fact. You can do it now and again at 65, how 'bout that?

On a flight back from Toronto

'OMG, you're going to (insert destination/thing that you want to do here). I would LOVE to go, you're so lucky, I wish I could do it too."

It's likely not luck and you don't have to wish. Make. It. Happen. Whatever you admire in others, it's likely that you can have an equivalent. The only difference between you and them is that they're doing something about it. To quote the Jersey Shore (yes, I am quoting the Jersey Shore) 'you have to DO you.' They're not the most profound orange people in the tri-state area but they're right in this instance. Don't worry about me and what I'm doing, DO YOU!

Life can be really short people, soak in every moment.

The Land of Fire and Ice

This poem is constantly on my mind here:


'Fire and Ice

Some say the world will end in fire,
Some say in ice.
From what I've tasted of desire
I hold with those who favor fire.
But if it had to perish twice,
I think I know enough of hate
To say that for destruction ice
Is also great
And would suffice.'

--Robert Frost


The landscape is so dramatic here. We rented a car and drove through the countryside today. I would say it's one of the most beautiful places I've ever been, but in a different way from Maui. Obviously, Maui is a tropical paradise, lush and beautiful. Iceland is the exact opposite. It's beauty lies in it's starkness. One can't tell whether the soil is indeed soil or lava remnants. It's dark, marshy, but not in any way scary or creepy. Perhaps because the weather has been so spectacular here thus far. Maybe if it were dark and gray i'd think less of it but somehow I don't think so. its got that very quite beauty. like comparing angelina jolie to rachel weisz.

in any case, the city itself is teeny. 300,000 people in the entire country, 200,000 of which live here in Reykjavik. i think we walked the whole city center in 20 minutes yesterday. but the residential areas of the city have a lot of charm. it's quiet. small buildings. small streets. clean. very Scandinavian but none of the uptightness i'd imagined. the funniest part thus far has been the street names. i think every name is at least 15 letters long an composed almost entirely of non-vowels and entirely unpronounceable to foreigners. i bet the locals get a kick out of listening to tourist pronunciations. for example our street is on Spitalastigur and Odinsgata and those aren't even the bad ones. but overall the people are super friendly and helpful. everyone speaks english. the food has been tasty although i don't think we've experienced much local cuisine. places we've been so far have been sandwich shops or more italian themed.

Today we went to a geyser and an amazing waterfall. We were also supposed to do a glacier walk too but it took us longer than expected to get there so we ended up missing it entirely. Tomorrow we ride Icelandic ponies but not before we go out tonight. Apparently it's a big night here because of Eurovision, something i'd never heard of until recently. it's like Europe Idol from what i understand and people from all the countries vote. the point is it's supposed to be a rollicking good time tonight so we'll see.

it seems because Iceland is so isolated that it feels like the uncool younger sibling to the other Scandinavian countries but i think it's super cool in it's own way. in the way that overshadowed younger siblings tend to be. there's a sense of quite self-assuredness and they're proud of who they are. they're the original Vikings after all. how cool is that?

In threes.

i'm sitting in the Porter terminal in Toronto waiting for my flight back to EWR that's delayed because of major air traffic in the NY area. better safe than sorry right? right. one day i'll learn the lesson to not fly back on Sundays. instead of skipping out of work on Fridays I should skip out on Mondays! dumb. dumb. dumb.

i've got that feeling again. the same feeling i had last time i was sitting in this terminal. what is it? i think it's a combination of things. of course, it's sadness at leaving peeps behind and getting back to regularly scheduled programming on monday. and i just get upset with myself for being upset. my mind is vicious! have to get over the fact that there's a time and a place for sadness and i have to let it happen. don't fight it barb! slap. slap. slap. it's okay to be down once in awhile.

i love new york so much. but there's also a feeling i really love about discovering another city. i know i've been to toronto a gajillion times but this time around i got to stroll about a bit and explore areas i hadn't gotten to before. the feeling of the new, the unexpected, not really knowing where you are. not being in control. not being asked to pick this? or where's that? bc, i try to control so much of my life in ny. it's refreshing to let go, follow other people's agendas. walk at the back of the pack and stare at the clouds in the sky. really live in the moment. honestly, genuinely, earnestly. it's both mentally and physically exhausting to be 'on' all the time. and when i'm not 'on,' people notice and then i feel bad about that. what's wrong with you barb? what's wrong with you? it amazes me how much i think about thinking. how silly does that sound? how much i think about thinking. what? why?

i know i do it to myself. it's a responsibility i choose to take on because, generally, it makes me feel happy and fulfilled. particularly, to facilitate other people's fun times and general merriment. it's a selfish thing. i want to be the go-to person. i want to be the non-flake. the planner. the organizer. i think you get the point. if i say i'll do something, i want to do it. and i say 'yes' a lot. A LOT. i have this idea of perfection in my mind and it's a really high bar. i'm always trying, trying, trying to meet it and sometimes i feel like i fall short, short, short. i also hate that i impose that high bar on other people (through little fault of their own) so i let myself get disappointed when people don't meet that bar. but how are they supposed to when they don't even know it's being imposed on them? and the bigger point is...why is my bar 'the' bar? who am i to expect my version of perfection? how can anyone possibly meet 'my' bar when i can't even do it myself? but, hey, maybe that's why i impose it. projection! god i love stream-of-consciousness writing. so cathartic. hopefully, it's at least mildly entertaining to read. so it's projection. makes sense. now i gotta work on it. let go barb. like Frou Frou says, 'let go.'

i think partly why i love music so much is because it's an escapist thing and secretly i know my wanderlust is an escapist thing too. but i also know i have to let it play out. and really, i don't think there's anything wrong with escapism as long as i acknowledge to myself that it is because i'm searching for something in everything i do. every place i go. every one i meet. what is it exactly? i don't know. and who knows if i'll ever know though i hope i do. but i'd like to think that i'll recognize it when the universe chooses to reveal it to me. i have to acknowledge that there's nothing for me to control. there's nothing i'm in control of in this scenario. except to do my best to enjoy the process. the ride. the experience. i have to trust that everything happens as it's supposed to, and will, regardless of any efforts i make. i can't force it. i can't. i can't. i can't.

lead me.

the moral of the story is that i have stop trying to control. i have to let go more. inwardly and outwardly. it's okay to not meet my 'bar' because, really, who can? and why? what's the point? intellectually, i know no one's perfect. so why am i doing this to myself and the people around me? i read this and think that sometimes i envy people who aren't in their heads so much. ha. but we've all got our own process right?

believe it or not, if you've made it this far down in the post. this has been very cathartic and i feel the little cloud over my head lifting. this is my process. but know that i'm harder on myself than anyone can ever be but i'm working on it.

thanks for reading! i'm finally getting on the jetplane...