In threes.

i'm sitting in the Porter terminal in Toronto waiting for my flight back to EWR that's delayed because of major air traffic in the NY area. better safe than sorry right? right. one day i'll learn the lesson to not fly back on Sundays. instead of skipping out of work on Fridays I should skip out on Mondays! dumb. dumb. dumb.

i've got that feeling again. the same feeling i had last time i was sitting in this terminal. what is it? i think it's a combination of things. of course, it's sadness at leaving peeps behind and getting back to regularly scheduled programming on monday. and i just get upset with myself for being upset. my mind is vicious! have to get over the fact that there's a time and a place for sadness and i have to let it happen. don't fight it barb! slap. slap. slap. it's okay to be down once in awhile.

i love new york so much. but there's also a feeling i really love about discovering another city. i know i've been to toronto a gajillion times but this time around i got to stroll about a bit and explore areas i hadn't gotten to before. the feeling of the new, the unexpected, not really knowing where you are. not being in control. not being asked to pick this? or where's that? bc, i try to control so much of my life in ny. it's refreshing to let go, follow other people's agendas. walk at the back of the pack and stare at the clouds in the sky. really live in the moment. honestly, genuinely, earnestly. it's both mentally and physically exhausting to be 'on' all the time. and when i'm not 'on,' people notice and then i feel bad about that. what's wrong with you barb? what's wrong with you? it amazes me how much i think about thinking. how silly does that sound? how much i think about thinking. what? why?

i know i do it to myself. it's a responsibility i choose to take on because, generally, it makes me feel happy and fulfilled. particularly, to facilitate other people's fun times and general merriment. it's a selfish thing. i want to be the go-to person. i want to be the non-flake. the planner. the organizer. i think you get the point. if i say i'll do something, i want to do it. and i say 'yes' a lot. A LOT. i have this idea of perfection in my mind and it's a really high bar. i'm always trying, trying, trying to meet it and sometimes i feel like i fall short, short, short. i also hate that i impose that high bar on other people (through little fault of their own) so i let myself get disappointed when people don't meet that bar. but how are they supposed to when they don't even know it's being imposed on them? and the bigger point is...why is my bar 'the' bar? who am i to expect my version of perfection? how can anyone possibly meet 'my' bar when i can't even do it myself? but, hey, maybe that's why i impose it. projection! god i love stream-of-consciousness writing. so cathartic. hopefully, it's at least mildly entertaining to read. so it's projection. makes sense. now i gotta work on it. let go barb. like Frou Frou says, 'let go.'

i think partly why i love music so much is because it's an escapist thing and secretly i know my wanderlust is an escapist thing too. but i also know i have to let it play out. and really, i don't think there's anything wrong with escapism as long as i acknowledge to myself that it is because i'm searching for something in everything i do. every place i go. every one i meet. what is it exactly? i don't know. and who knows if i'll ever know though i hope i do. but i'd like to think that i'll recognize it when the universe chooses to reveal it to me. i have to acknowledge that there's nothing for me to control. there's nothing i'm in control of in this scenario. except to do my best to enjoy the process. the ride. the experience. i have to trust that everything happens as it's supposed to, and will, regardless of any efforts i make. i can't force it. i can't. i can't. i can't.

lead me.

the moral of the story is that i have stop trying to control. i have to let go more. inwardly and outwardly. it's okay to not meet my 'bar' because, really, who can? and why? what's the point? intellectually, i know no one's perfect. so why am i doing this to myself and the people around me? i read this and think that sometimes i envy people who aren't in their heads so much. ha. but we've all got our own process right?

believe it or not, if you've made it this far down in the post. this has been very cathartic and i feel the little cloud over my head lifting. this is my process. but know that i'm harder on myself than anyone can ever be but i'm working on it.

thanks for reading! i'm finally getting on the jetplane...