Barbslist a.k.a. WWBD?

Amazeballs Nicaragua

2011-11-27T21:04:00.001-05:00

I haven't written in almost a year. Has it been that long since something has struck me enough to warrant writing about? Realistically I think it's because I've picked up Twitter for my outbursts. But lets get to the matter at hand. Nicaragua.

So this is me in the car ride from Managua Airport to our rented house in San Juan del Sur before I knew what I would experience the following week. While we were driving, my thoughts were, wow these people are so poor, this is definitely one of the poorest countries I've been to, I hope the scenery gets better soon, I hope we don't get robbed on this trip, I hope the weather holds up, etc.

After this

this

and this

I left Nica with a sense of awe and surprise I wasn't expecting. Yes, I made assumptions about what my trip could be from what I saw in passing but that's human. Having been privileged enough to have lived in first world cities my whole life I've learned to count on travel educate me in the areas where I'm lacking. What I know is that I've seen some of the most beautiful sights in my life in Nicaragua and I'm not talking about buildings and architecture, I'm talking, get ready for this, nature. Beauty. Life.

Due to the course of the events in my life I believe I have learned to appreciate moments. Learn lessons. Be a decent human. Sometimes I even feel like I have the answers. Until I get a reminder.

There was so much beauty in Nica that I stopped taking pictures. There were so many pictures to take but I knew that they'd all end up looking the same after awhile, especially when it'd be time to review them at home. I stopped (for the most part). Sometimes when I take pictures I feel like I'm missing out on the actual moments just so I can capture them for a later date. So I stopped and observed the moments. The silence. My hair blowing in the wind. The sunsets. The clouds and their many shapes. The view from our house. The many many cows on the side of the road. The feeling of rain. Realizing that the ocean isn't so scary after all. The pain in my bum hand after football and surfing. The wheezing in my chest after mistreating my body. Not being able to drink water freely at times. Seeing a tranny on the street and thinking about how difficult it might be to be born that way, there. How I get to go back to my comfortable apartment in Park Slope but people still live in shacks without electricity. Though I'd like to think that they could be just as happy.

'People' say that if you change up your behaviors both physically and mentally, you exercise a different part of your brain. I think this trip did a bit of that for me. I was uncomfortable at times but maybe discomfort isn't all bad and...I'm appreciative of the bit of awareness it has brought me today.

- Wheezy

p.s. thanks to Birginia for some of these pics.

You put your dancing shoes on and do it again

2010-12-15T09:07:00.000-05:00

Hey I'm 30 now, in case you haven't heard between the invites, Facebook, and calendar reminders and I have some observations to make and random samplings of some things I love:

- I am at once horrified yet intrigued to witness the continued Jersey Shore-ification of America. Has anyone else noticed the increase in guido music on the airwaves??? I think I'll buy some stock in Ed Hardy and Swarovski today.

- I am grateful for soft water, loofahs, sparkling water, chickpeas, and bubbles (hey, i said random samplings).

- Once in Fiji, when Milee was bug bite ridden and sun stroked she told me that I must be invincible to be completely fine without repellent and minimal SPF. Luckily I still feel invincible, indestructible, and resilient. Seriously though, I thank my lucky stars that I'm as healthy I am and remind myself to appreciate my body every day.

- One of the highlights of my year was being in the labor and delivery room witnessing the birth of my niece while listening to Salt-n-Pepa's 'Push It.' :) Push it real good.

- I love making playlists for any occasion, so never hesitate to ask.

- On the flip side, I'm an admitted music nazi so I expect to hear every last song of said playlist if i make it. I will also jump at any chance to 'put on a song' in an effort to hijack the stereo.

- On a serious note, I hope that we can all recognize how lucky we are to live here and know each other, despite the differences in opinion and failures of government, this is a pretty comfortable place to be. We must appreciate every advantage and luxury we have. Clean water, electricity, education, plentiful food, access to health care, jobs, etc. Just being able to go out and eat a nice meal. I mean, I often think that I could've been born a 3rd world orphan. I can't begin to imagine what that would've been like.

In comparison we have it easy and that's the case I'd like to plead to you today, ladies and gentlemen of the jury. Enjoy the present and the people around you, laugh as much as you can and remember to tell people that you love and appreciate them as often as possible. PLEASE, pretty please, remember these Barbisms (aka quotes I've stolen):

"When in doubt, it's probably not that serious."
'Seize the day. Make your lives extraordinary.'

'You must live in the present, launch yourself on every wave, find your eternity in each moment.'

'Pain is inevitable. Suffering is optional.'

'Perfectly imperfect'

'Not all who wander are lost'

- This song makes me happy. Get to know it if you haven't already:

- I also love the sentiment of this song:

In My Eyes, by Robyn

This is my love letter to you all.

LOVE LOVE LOVE

B

'you have to DO you'

2010-09-19T11:59:00.001-05:00

How long do you think you'll live?

70? 80? 90 years?

Why do you think you'll get this allotment of time? Are we entitled to it? How did we become a society of people who consciously plan through death? How do we know we'll even get to that age? What happens to everything you've earned and saved if you don't get that time? Will you get to enjoy the fruits of your labor in your lifetime?

I think the answer is that we're not entitled to any amount of time. We need to stop planning and thinking about the future so much. Kindergarten, high school, college, significant other, picket fence, 2.5 children, career, retirement, retirement travel, these are all markers of a 'successful life' in our society so much so that we strive for these markers blindly/robotically and sometimes without serious examination. These are ideals, not goals. I have no problem with goals and ambitions. They're healthy and excellent. But not everyone is built to be happy with the same ideals and when we we aren't present it's harder to learn what makes each of us happy and fulfilled because we're aren't stopping to think about it, we're always thinking ahead about the next ideal and how to get there.

On the flip side, there are certainly people who are present and examine their ideals but then are afraid to veer off the 'successful life' trajectory because then there's definitely no 'guarantee' of happiness. Ack. Don't be afraid! How will you know without trying?

Now I'm not saying that one shouldn't plan for the future but one shouldn't forfeit the present in the process. The present is one of the few guarantees we have in life, not the future. I mean, would you rather make a list of all the things you've always wanted to do and wait til you're 65 to do them? Doesn't it make more sense to do it all while you're young and more physically able? I'm not saying we're all going to be crippled by 65 but biology is biology, bodies age and deteriorate, it's just a fact. You can do it now and again at 65, how 'bout that?

On a flight back from Toronto

'OMG, you're going to (insert destination/thing that you want to do here). I would LOVE to go, you're so lucky, I wish I could do it too."

It's likely not luck and you don't have to wish. Make. It. Happen. Whatever you admire in others, it's likely that you can have an equivalent. The only difference between you and them is that they're doing something about it. To quote the Jersey Shore (yes, I am quoting the Jersey Shore) 'you have to DO you.' They're not the most profound orange people in the tri-state area but they're right in this instance. Don't worry about me and what I'm doing, DO YOU!

Life can be really short people, soak in every moment.

I am me.

2010-02-17T19:09:00.002-05:00

'A black artist can paint a wall of smiley faces and people will ask why they're so angry.'

Flipping through hundreds of channels this evening I stumbled upon The Black List. If you haven't seen any of it, I highly recommend you do.

I know I've written about this series previously and it makes me ponder race, ethnicity, and identity every time. First of all, what do these words mean?

Race: a group of persons related by common descent or heredity.

Ethnicity: Identity with or membership in a particular racial, national, or cultural group and observance of that group's customs, beliefs, and language.

Identity: The set of behavioral or personal characteristics by which an individual is recognizable as a member of a group.

What do they mean? I've been sitting here trying to interpret these three terms in my own words without using one of the other two and I've failed. Why? I guess race is the most straightforward of the three. It's the most immediately visible isn't it? How much does how we define ourselves in relation to these three terms make us who we are at the core?

If you're black, is that all you are?
If you're gay, is that all you are?
If you're a woman, is that all you are?
If you're Turkish, is that all you are?

It gets more complicated when you're a mix of these things and even more complicated if these terms that 'define' us are challenged.

How dark do you have to be to be labeled as black?
How gay do you have to be to be labeled as gay?
If you feel like a woman trapped in a man's body, are you a man?
Even one's nationality can become questionable.

I feel like some think of these as cut and dry matters.

I know they aren't for me.

I know I am a mixture of many things, experiences, as well as a reflection of the people around me. I don't want to be defined as any one thing because I'm just not. I'm. Just. Not. I don't fit anywhere and I truly like that about myself. I can't say that I always have but I know that I do now.

There's one overarching theme in all three volumes of The Black List that's brilliant in it's simplicity and brevity:

I am not this, that, or the other. I am me.

freedom, not the George Michael song

2010-01-10T11:15:00.002-05:00

i just watched Revolutionary Road.

Kate Winslet did such a great job playing a stifled woman. it really made me think about how much i don't want to be that and how i don't want anyone around me to be that. the thought of it is incredibly scary, and i honestly can't imagine how one gets into that predicament. am i being dense? idealistic? perhaps, but i don't think i'm seriously frightened of very much however the thought of being stifled and suffocated might be it. now that i think about it the closest people to me are pretty free which is really why i love them and if they're not i'm trying my damnedest to encourage it. i recognize the word 'free' is broad, general, and doesn't describe much but the effort to define it further would make it contrary to the term itself wouldn't it? being free is what we make of it right? i imagine it's different for everyone. it could be the freedom to speak your mind, the freedom to go where you desire, the freedom to be with who you want to be with, the freedom to feel and not feel bad about it (pardon the redundancy).

don't we owe it to ourselves to live as best we can? or is it a matter of living as best as we know how? is there a difference? i mean, i've been given so much thus far i don't feel right not exploring things that feel right (wow, now i'm realizing how limiting language is). am i missing something? i think i've forgotten (or just haven't thought about) how i got here. thoughts?

Top 10 Albums of the Decade!

2009-12-23T09:52:00.003-05:00

No compilations, 'best ofs/greatest hits', or soundtracks. They must have album release dates after 1/1/2000. It's kinda hard to whittle down but really how many albums are there that you can listen to from beginning to end? I reserve the right to modify. These are mine in no particular order:

Confessions on a Dancefloor, Madonna
Supernature, Goldfrapp
The Reminder, Feist
The Fame Monster, Lady Gaga
Lovers Rock, Sade
FutureSex/LoveSounds, Justin Timberlake
Kala, M.I.A.
The Greatest, Cat Power
100th Window, Massive Attack
A Rush of Blood to the Head, Coldplay

Runners-up:
Simple Things, Zero 7
Finally Woken, Jem
X, Kylie Minogue
Fever, Kylie Minogue
808's And Heartbreaks, Kanye West
Ladyhawke, Ladyhawke
Back to Black, Amy Winehouse
Some People Have Real Problems, Sia
Breakaway, Kelly Clarkson
Versions, Mark Ronson
The Breakthrough, Mary J. Blige
Come Away With Me, Norah Jones
I See Red, Uh Huh Her
Most Sigur Ros albums

Thanks for the idea Joanna! What are everyone else's favorites?

random acts of barbness

2009-11-22T14:39:00.006-05:00

it's a beautifully crisp day in new york. i just went for a bike ride 'round Prospect Park and realized it was a little too crisp for shorts perhaps. i don't know why every physical activity revolves around shorts for me, even if it is the dead of winter. dense much?

a few things:

i'm going to Buenos Aires on Tuesday, not Brazil. And no, Argentina and Brazil are not the same country and wont be. Ever. well, it's unlikely.

i have been there before. i'm going again bc i got a cheap ass (though likely not so comfortable connecting flight) by happenstance, it's 80 degrees there right now and i like traveling. i think that's enough of a reason. fingers crossed Mexicana!

Switzerland and Sweden are not the same country just as New York and New Jersey aren't the same state. put's it in perspective no? no? really?

Hong Kong is part of China which is not the same as Japan. supposedly we all look the same but even i know London is in the UK and not France. yeah, i wrote it. what?

no i am not half Swedish and half Japanese.

no i am not turning 30. not that there's anything wrong with that.

yes i work at glamour.com. yes, the website for the same Glamour magazine placed just so on your coffee table.

no, i don't write, edit, or test makeup. once upon a time i did write, edit, and test things but no longer.

what exactly do i do? words and pictures don't appear magically on the interwebs, someone has to put them there (whether they write them or not) and make it look pretty for you to 'read.' it's like christmas, just believe it.

i went to Binghamton University and no, it's not located the next town over from Southampton, Long Island. and yes, i did just look up exactly how to spell 'Southampton.'

before that i went to Birch Wathen Lenox for grades 8-12. don't you dare think for a moment i don't dread saying it every time because NO ONE catches it the first time. 'Birch, like the tree. Wathen, like i dunno what. Lenox. yes.' wonderful school otherwise.

yes, it was on the Upper East side but no it wasn't like Gossip Girl. yes, there were 18 people in my graduating class. 18. yes. really? yes. and you probably have met 10% of my graduating class.

i really did grow up in Manhattan. no, i am not a unicorn.

i lived in Hells Kitchen before it was clean, Battery Park City before it became a suburb, and the Upper East Side before it was...? currently i live in Brooklyn. a strangely passport free experience.

with the same roommate.

for 7+ years. yes. really. really.

i was born in Hong Kong and strangely i'm not Japanese.

yes, i like to travel.

no, i am not a trust fund baby. (i know you're thinking it. stop thinking it. right. now.)

yes i speak Cantonese but no i wont 'say something.' do i look like a trained monkey? and i most definitely will not order your next delivery order for you in Chinese.

Cantonese is a dialect of Chinese.

my name is spelled like so: Barbara. thanks Mrs. Streisand for screwing it up for the rest of us. that's right, look it up, there's a difference.

feel free to call me any pre-approved (please submit written requests via email) iteration you like except for Babs, Barbie, and Asshole.

my last name is not pronounced 'Hoover.' so, no, not like the vacuum.

i am not a monk, despite how i may sound at times.

no, i do not steal children. stop spreading lies.

generally i prefer a handwritten love note on my birthday rather than a gift.

that is, unless you were planning on giving me a Land Rover Sport.

my main pet peeves are flakiness, bad spelling, and general misuse of the English language.

yes, i am a snob.

people don't read yet i bother writing...riddle me that.

you have just read (probably scanned) the answers to the most often asked* questions in my life. now back to regularly scheduled programming.

xoxo,

that is all :)

*these may not reflect reality

'i just heard myself'

2009-09-29T19:27:00.003-05:00

i went up to Beacon this weekend to see my oldest friend E. she took part in an open studios event and i thought it'd be lovely to see her. off i went with 3 peeps in Hubie2 Saturday morning.

i wont bore you with details about the day other than that we saw some lovely art, went to a vineyard, and crashed a house party.

what i came away with, (you knew this was coming!) was a realization about what dear E means to me and why i've always felt such a strong attachment to her.

picture it: we met when i was all of 8/9 years old. she was my 15/16 year old teacher in Saturday morning German language school. (my mother wanted me to learn the language since i'm Swiss.) she was smart yet chill, completely charming yet humble, one of the most approachable and accepting people i've ever met and to top it off...she's a halfie. she was my first halfie role model. you may not ever think of this, or maybe you do, but it's not often that i'm face to face with someone who looks like me.

whether you recognize it as important or not, i never realized that very fact until i attended a Loving Day event a few years ago and was in a room full of halfies. i daresay most of the others in that room probably felt the same as i did. it was neither a feeling of woe and isolation nor one of happiness, rather it was a feeling of shared experience and solidarity. as you know, i have some of the very best friends in the world but i believe even they would have a hard time comprehending the feeling of awe i felt in that room simply because it's not likely something they've ever encountered. and it's not something i'd expect from them as non-mixed people. why would i? would i say i comprehend the black experience to my black friends? no. it's one of the few things in life one has to be to understand.

so it was this past Saturday I fully recognized my connection with E and why I've always held her friendship so close to my heart. i saw her almost every Saturday for 5 years and to be as young as i was and see a well-adjusted, unaffected, and brilliant biracial, i think, really had an effect on me. as i've said before, being biracial is only a part of who i am and i'd never want it to be more than that but it's an important part nonetheless. there was so much that didn't need to be spoken. we just understood each other. at one point on Saturday she said, 'it was like i just heard myself' while she listened to me rant about my Loving Day experience. precisely, how i've felt in her presence my whole life.

i know i have friends who don't see me as biracial and i honestly love that they're colorblind to it. but it's something i've always been aware of. in my impressionable years, it wasn't something that conjured a feeling of pride. i had been on the receiving end of one too many racially charged comments. i knew people didn't accept my mother because she had a kid with a non-Chinese and out of wedlock nonetheless. gasp! undoubtedly some of it was also self-imposed. was it why my dad left? and where were the role models who could've showed me otherwise? so you see, all this internal and external loathing made an indelible mark.

the silver lining is, as i became more confident and self-assured, i came to recognize my difference as uniqueness. it didn't automatically make me less and just because i didn't see many people around who looked like me (and by extension, felt as i did) didn't make me less worthy, less loved or less worthy of being loved and i needed to stop looking at myself that way.

so, dear E, please know that in the 20 years i've had the pleasure of your acquaintance you've unwittingly become my main halfie role model in all realms of life. i know you're so much more than being someone of mixed race but that part of who you are has been important to me. thank you for showing me tolerance and acceptance.

p.s. apologies for not retaining a lick of German! :)

September 14th

2009-09-14T21:08:00.003-05:00

Much like Mother's Day, September 14th has always been a strange occasion for me. It was 13 years ago today. Yes. Yes. THAT day. The day my life changed forever. Not in that melodramatic way but in that it irrevocably changed who I was at the time and who i was to become. Believe me, I've thought about it and I know I would've been different and, i daresay, less happy which is why i believe, so wholeheartedly, that everything. happens. for. a. reason. Ironically, September has become a month of celebration since many of my close friends have September birthdays so perhaps i'm meant to think of September 14th not as a day of death but a day to celebrate life? then again, shouldn't we be celebrating life every day? i think so.

i recognize that if someone just read the first 2 lines of this post without knowing me they'd think, 'Geez Barb, that sucks. how shitty. i'm sorry.' but, i'd prefer that people not think about it that way. i'd rather people realize, as i do, how incredibly lucky i am and have been. i don't have to try to be glass half full, it's really how i am and i recognize that i could've gone in the opposite direction. but i didn't and so again, i'm lucky. i'm healthy. i've got amazing people around me and a lifestyle that i just cannot complain about, even though i do at times. it's not to say that it's all been roses, which, obviously it hasn't. but all of it has made me who i am. all of it. as a result, i'm quite resilient. i know i can get over pretty much anything in time. life is too important and fragile. sometimes i think we all let such insignificant things ruin our days. i believe there's great value in knowing what's worth truly fretting over and what isn't. it saves one's time and sanity.

this is NOT about me tooting my own horn. this is about me saying, i don't know any other way to be. these are the cards i've been dealt. this is how my brain has reacted. my mother went through too much shizz getting me here to not appreciate it. i. am. lucky. so, to a life well lived.

p.s. to a life well lived to you too, dear reader.

Barb goes country

2009-08-17T19:14:00.003-05:00

i know no one would ever expect me to ever say that which is why i, and everyone around me, found it amusing that i'd go rural for a weekend. dear j graciously opened up her family to me, why would i say no?

after a stressful half day at work i hit the road for my 5+ hour journey to Garrett County, Maryland. i was stressed out about being stressed out and 5 hours of solitude, music, and beautiful scenery turned out to be just what the doctor ordered. i have a strange fascination with small towns, not sure where it comes from and Accident, Maryland certainly fit the bill. the last 3 miles of my drive were through narrow country road, not a car in sight.

i could give you a play by play of the weekend but i'd rather sum it up by saying that i had no idea Maryland was far south enough to garner a Southern accent. i thought i'd have to go much further South to find this kinda charm. so wrong! plus i have a whole new appreciation for agriculture. it's easy to think that food just magically appears at the supermarket. these days we have so much less connection about where our food comes from and more importantly, who provides it. farmer's markets are the main exception, but even then, i realize there's a difference between knowing a farmer on a personal level and just purchasing from them once a week. you'd learn so much more about their ethics and be certain about what's really in the food that you're about to put in your body. i imagine my experience is the exact opposite of the industrial agriculture described in "The Jungle" or any recent Michael Pollan tome. i found it all incredibly interesting.

the other striking thing was experiencing a small town with someone who grew up in a small town. the notion of knowing everyone on your street, having your entire family and extended family within shouting distance, being able to point out the house where your mom grew up in, and following the same traditions your whole life are all foreign to me having grown up in Manhattan, with a single mother, far from any extended family. (though it's true that i find NY to be very small at times.) it's not to say that any one way of growing up is better than the other, i'm just noticing the difference and appreciate the opportunity and awareness of finding out.

because of the Edgemont crew i've always thought it was awesome to say that you've known someone (not in your family) since Kindergarten. i can't really say that about anyone, though there are people i've known for a very long time. there's no way to simulate that kind of familiarity and thus i've always treasured the lengthy relationships i do have because they remind me who i was and how far i've come. ultimately i treasure all my friends and family because they are who i am. if you ever question who you are all you have to do is look around at who you choose to surround yourself with.

so before i bore you further dear reader (me), i shall end this bout of introspection right here.

p.s. thanks to the Striders for a wonderful weekend and all this reflection!

oh whitney

2009-06-20T15:56:00.002-05:00

making playlists is a hobby of mine so today Whitney's "My Love is Your Love" came on and this lyric struck me:

'If tomorrow is judgement day
and i'm standing on the front line
and the lord asks me what i did with my life.
i will say, i spent it with you.'

firstly, i hope she's talking about her kids and not bobbi bc we all know how that ended. secondly, how amazing would it be to have someone say that about you? what did you do with your life? i spent it with you. ugh, i'm such a sap.

Perspective

2009-06-11T14:13:00.005-05:00

i'm generally a glass half full person and even when things bring me down, it doesn't take me too long to pick my head up, look around and realize how lucky i am in life. why? because it's true. for example: yesterday, i was hemming and hawing about something to ajoy. she graciously listened, as she always does. but then she talked about something on her mind that had much more gravity to it. life and death stuff of someone close to her. and the switch flipped in my head. what the hell was i complaining about 10 short minutes before?

now, as a wise woman once said, it's not to say that one person's problems are more significant or important than someone else's. (though undoubtedly there are scenarios that could easily invalidate that.)

it was a matter of seeing outside my bubble, looking into someone else's and realizing that there are much more important things to fret over. it didn't erase my problem but recognizing that there was only so much i could do and only so much that'd be accomplished by fretting, i felt better. i have so much. to be annoyed as i was yesterday was greedy of me. it's like saying, i have 1000 apples, 950 of which i can't eat, but i still want more. (wow, that was the worse analogy ever! but i think you know what i mean.) to me, it's about being happy in the moment and workin' wit what choo got because there's no guarantee of anything else. one can just hope the rest will come. wheeeeeeee.

paris

2009-06-03T20:12:00.003-05:00

so. i know i promised a Paris wrap up but then i tough, what can i say about Paris that's never said before? instead i'll share some pics that didn't make it into my Facebook album:

post trip recap

2009-05-26T19:14:00.006-05:00

ya'll know i always find it hard to sum up trips in response to the 'so how was your trip?' question. i feel like my responses are limited to great, horrible, spectacular, crappy, wonderful, etc. and so i prefer to write these little recaps where i try to do the trip justice, but in most cases, barely scratch the surface. so here goes...

Reykjavik is teeny weeny. one can walk from one end to the other in about 20 minutes, i think, at a leisurely pace. it's clean, the people are general nice, and 80% speak English. i gather it's because very few people speak 1,000+ year old Viking outside of Iceland so it's probably advantageous to learn English as well. the people weren't as ginormous as i expected even though I know they believe in gnomes. the homes weren't vast, not even outside the city (and there was a lot of space). by chance we happened to be there during Eurovision, what is it, you ask? it's a singing/talent competition between certain European countries that has taken place for the last 25+ years (or so i've been told). it's like American idol but between the contestants represent their countries. Iceland came in 2nd this year and the people were ready to celebrate! i didn't know whether they partied like this every day/night/weekend but i'd never seen anything so crazy. it's actually more what i imagine Mardi Gras to be like. picture it: it was as if all 200,000 of Reykjavik's population came out (though it was mostly the younth) to celebrate on the main street covering a few city blocks. people were standing out of car sunroofs as they drove by. i mean, ocean drive isn't even this bad. INSANE. needless to say i claimed a front row seat for people watching.

partying aside, Iceland is great for people who enjoy the outdoors, i'm not talking about camping here (which i'm not a huge fan of), i'm talking horseback riding, seeing glaciers, geysers, and waterfalls. it's all within driving distance of the city and it's supremely beautiful. the Ring road goes almost all the way around Iceland, it's two lanes, some of which (we were told) are still unpaved but a completely beautiful drive (from the little we saw). the land looks either like old lava or like moorish Scottish countryside.

The most interesting part to me was the endless daylight. And I mean endless, at least in May. I went into a bar at 1am ('dusk') and came out an hour or two later in time to catch the sunrise. I don't recall it ever being pitch black in my 96 hours there. I think i'd go mad if i stayed any longer though i enjoyed every minute of it. On the converse I don't think I could go there in December or January when the opposite is true. But despite the name, Iceland's climate is actually quite moderate. I learned that in January parts of Iceland are usually warmer than it is in NY! and the weather while we were there was generally sunny and glorious if just a bit chilly in the shade.

I think that's it for Iceland. On to Paris.

The Land of Fire and Ice

2009-05-16T17:13:00.003-05:00

This poem is constantly on my mind here:

'Fire and Ice

Some say the world will end in fire,
Some say in ice.
From what I've tasted of desire
I hold with those who favor fire.
But if it had to perish twice,
I think I know enough of hate
To say that for destruction ice
Is also great
And would suffice.'

--Robert Frost

The landscape is so dramatic here. We rented a car and drove through the countryside today. I would say it's one of the most beautiful places I've ever been, but in a different way from Maui. Obviously, Maui is a tropical paradise, lush and beautiful. Iceland is the exact opposite. It's beauty lies in it's starkness. One can't tell whether the soil is indeed soil or lava remnants. It's dark, marshy, but not in any way scary or creepy. Perhaps because the weather has been so spectacular here thus far. Maybe if it were dark and gray i'd think less of it but somehow I don't think so. its got that very quite beauty. like comparing angelina jolie to rachel weisz.

in any case, the city itself is teeny. 300,000 people in the entire country, 200,000 of which live here in Reykjavik. i think we walked the whole city center in 20 minutes yesterday. but the residential areas of the city have a lot of charm. it's quiet. small buildings. small streets. clean. very Scandinavian but none of the uptightness i'd imagined. the funniest part thus far has been the street names. i think every name is at least 15 letters long an composed almost entirely of non-vowels and entirely unpronounceable to foreigners. i bet the locals get a kick out of listening to tourist pronunciations. for example our street is on Spitalastigur and Odinsgata and those aren't even the bad ones. but overall the people are super friendly and helpful. everyone speaks english. the food has been tasty although i don't think we've experienced much local cuisine. places we've been so far have been sandwich shops or more italian themed.

Today we went to a geyser and an amazing waterfall. We were also supposed to do a glacier walk too but it took us longer than expected to get there so we ended up missing it entirely. Tomorrow we ride Icelandic ponies but not before we go out tonight. Apparently it's a big night here because of Eurovision, something i'd never heard of until recently. it's like Europe Idol from what i understand and people from all the countries vote. the point is it's supposed to be a rollicking good time tonight so we'll see.

it seems because Iceland is so isolated that it feels like the uncool younger sibling to the other Scandinavian countries but i think it's super cool in it's own way. in the way that overshadowed younger siblings tend to be. there's a sense of quite self-assuredness and they're proud of who they are. they're the original Vikings after all. how cool is that?

mother's day

2009-05-10T20:35:00.003-05:00

it's always been an auspicious day for me i guess though i've honestly not thought about it too much in recent years. when i was younger, i'd get sad more often than not. mostly because i felt guilty. guilty that it was only one of a handful of days in the year that i actually thought about my mother. but i have to remember that i am her. without her i wouldn't exist. there's no denying that. so even if some of my memories of my mother aren't the fondest there are many more that are awesome. she raised me as saw fit. can't question that. so living every day with happiness in mind is really the best i can do to honor her. that's what she'd want right? every mother just wants their kids to be happy yes? yes.

i think the fact that i can't 'visit' my mother at a grave has had a big impact on me. she was cremated and her ashes got lost in the shuffle somewhere. i never had the guts to sort it out when i was a kid (i mean, i was a kid) and now i think it's too far gone. but because of that i don't really believe that there's any value for me in 'visiting' because the person isn't there. it's just a body, a spot, a location. instead i chose to have her name tattooed on my spine because the spine is the epicenter of our bodies. so i don't have to visit a physical location. the sense of obligation would just make me feel guilty anyway. (damn this asian guilt!) ha.

in the back of my mind i keep track of the number of years i will have been without my mother. when i turn 30 in a year and a half i will have lived without her as long as i lived with her. i know i am a completely different person than i would've been. i know everything happens for a reason. and i know there isn't much more that i know for certain.

the point is everything that has happened to me has made me who i am. every step. every decision. every day. with every new person i meet. every last second is a contribution. it would be too easy to throw my hands up in the air and say woe is me. i've never wanted to be the victim. i don't want pity. because you know what? it could've been worse. it HAS been worse for many other people in this world. i think i've actually been very lucky. certainly when it comes to the people i've met. my people. i really couldn't ask for more amazing people. sometimes i actually feel like i'm depriving others of these wonderful people because i keep them on a 'short leash.' haha.

in the last two days two very thoughtful friends asked me about my mother and i'm very grateful for it. it's generally a debby downer conversation so it never really occurs to me to talk about it. and i really have no problem talking about it. there's just rarely a time or a place when it comes up. but i also must realize that by not talking about my mother i'm depriving my friends of the opportunity to know me better. because, again, it was her crazy asian parenting that's made me. me. so every story i tell about how she'd call the cops if i came home late from school sometimes, or how i wasn't allowed to watch tv after school, or how i was a tennis burnout. these are all important pieces of me.

i think once i have kids, the second installment of the affects of losing my mother will hit me. my grandmother died when my mother was young too. i don't want that to happen to my kids. but really, there's nothing i can do about it. it's an irrational fear. and hopefully it wont be too bad.

but every time someone says to me that they live vicariously through me i think, 'well i must be doing something right.' i think mom would be happy to hear someone say that about her kid. so there.

G L A M O R O U S

2009-05-04T11:02:00.001-05:00

Since Friday's post was so somber I thought I'd share this little piece of delight that I created:

incredible sadness

2009-05-01T11:14:00.006-05:00

i feel

deflated.

sitting upright is a chore. i'm hunched over my keyboard. i don't know what to do. thoughts are rushing through my head.

and so i write.

does one feel this kind of overwhelming sadness because death is truly sad? or because one is so deeply connected to the survivors?

when i heard J's voice this morning i thought something had happened to JF and was actually relieved (horrible, i know) it wasn't as i thought. i am continually in awe of my thoughts.

i don't think anyone deals well with death but i think i'm even more ill-suited than most. probably because of what happened to my mother. i think i was an emotional piece of stone at the time which probably laid the groundwork to my current state of paper flower sensitivity. isn't it interesting how things work? how our minds work? how i internalize things so much when it's not even about me boggles my mind. it's not about me right now.

i feel small and insignificant. here i am whiling my days away. what am i doing to improve humanity. am i making a difference in anyone's life? what is my contribution?

but alas, i guess that's the purpose of death.

it forces you to value life.

in the words of Maxwell (thanks V):

'I should be crying but I just can't let it show
I should be hoping but I can't stop thinking
Of all the things we should've said that were never said
All the things we should've done that we never did
All the things that you needed from me
All the things that that you wanted from me
All the things I should of given but I didn't
Oh darling make it go away
Just make it go away now.'

to never having to say 'should've'

it is with this realization. at this moment. that i once again sit upright and continue plugging away...

JF i love you.

I hope everyone has seen this

2009-04-14T09:25:00.001-05:00

'The "National Organization for Marriage" is responding to the amazing marriage equality victories in Iowa and Vermont with this national TV ad filled with fear about a same-sex marriage "storm" gathering across the country.

This disturbing ad -- airing across the country and 8 times a day in California -- uses actors to push lies claiming that marriage equalty threatens personal freedoms.'

https://secure.couragecampaign.org/page/contribute/TurnFearIntoHope

subway characters

2009-04-04T19:16:00.005-05:00

i was surrounded by a cast of three just now on my way home.

on my right was father time, could also be ole St. Nick except he had a very stern look on his face. he was wearing a too-tight black tee that had writing in multiple languages. actually, he was wearing black from head to toe. tres chic. not really. he had the prerequisite father time beard and thinning bald spot on his head. he had the belly. but he was crabby, perhaps the crazy wind bothered father time today. he had a shopping bag, looked like he hit up the book store except there weren't any books. they looked more like pamphlets. perhaps he just went to the New Museum and picked up some brochures.

on my left was a classic 80's pimp. i can't even come up with an alternate identity because he was spot on. he was wearing a light blue velour sweatsuit. the big ring. the thin mustache. the fedora-esque hat. the longish greasy black hair. the you-better-pay-me-on-time look on his face. i think the only thing he may have missed is some longer finger nails and a lady of the night on his left.

on the right of father time was a little boy sleeping on his mother's lap. completely passed out. completely. father time's shopping bag came precariously close to grazing the little boy's face. mom was not pleased by father time's callousness and quickly shielded the boy's face with his too-large baseball hat. father time managed a weak but genuine smile as an attempt to apologize. once father time got off the train i scooted over to his spot next to the little boy. he slept and slept. i wish i could sleep like that. mom had to move him from one leg to the other, likely that her leg was falling asleep. it was quite adorable how she was looking at home. so adoringly. especially when she was trying to wake him up as their stop was approaching. she nuzzled his very pinchable cheek. put his hat back on and gently patted him in an attempt to stir him from his deep slumber. his eyes were struggling to open and i'm pretty sure every person on that side of the train was amused at their little struggle. her to wake him. he to go back to his peaceful sleep. she propped him up on his feet. he just leaned forward onto her legs. she walked him towards the doors as the train was pulling in and he just swayed and stumbled back and forth eyes opening and closing. and then they got off and that was their moment in my life.

you do realize you can comment on these posts right? i think it's funny that people email and text me to comment on my posts. that's what the comment button is for! but i'll take it either way. :)

In threes.

2009-03-29T17:28:00.004-05:00

i'm sitting in the Porter terminal in Toronto waiting for my flight back to EWR that's delayed because of major air traffic in the NY area. better safe than sorry right? right. one day i'll learn the lesson to not fly back on Sundays. instead of skipping out of work on Fridays I should skip out on Mondays! dumb. dumb. dumb.

i've got that feeling again. the same feeling i had last time i was sitting in this terminal. what is it? i think it's a combination of things. of course, it's sadness at leaving peeps behind and getting back to regularly scheduled programming on monday. and i just get upset with myself for being upset. my mind is vicious! have to get over the fact that there's a time and a place for sadness and i have to let it happen. don't fight it barb! slap. slap. slap. it's okay to be down once in awhile.

i love new york so much. but there's also a feeling i really love about discovering another city. i know i've been to toronto a gajillion times but this time around i got to stroll about a bit and explore areas i hadn't gotten to before. the feeling of the new, the unexpected, not really knowing where you are. not being in control. not being asked to pick this? or where's that? bc, i try to control so much of my life in ny. it's refreshing to let go, follow other people's agendas. walk at the back of the pack and stare at the clouds in the sky. really live in the moment. honestly, genuinely, earnestly. it's both mentally and physically exhausting to be 'on' all the time. and when i'm not 'on,' people notice and then i feel bad about that. what's wrong with you barb? what's wrong with you? it amazes me how much i think about thinking. how silly does that sound? how much i think about thinking. what? why?

i know i do it to myself. it's a responsibility i choose to take on because, generally, it makes me feel happy and fulfilled. particularly, to facilitate other people's fun times and general merriment. it's a selfish thing. i want to be the go-to person. i want to be the non-flake. the planner. the organizer. i think you get the point. if i say i'll do something, i want to do it. and i say 'yes' a lot. A LOT. i have this idea of perfection in my mind and it's a really high bar. i'm always trying, trying, trying to meet it and sometimes i feel like i fall short, short, short. i also hate that i impose that high bar on other people (through little fault of their own) so i let myself get disappointed when people don't meet that bar. but how are they supposed to when they don't even know it's being imposed on them? and the bigger point is...why is my bar 'the' bar? who am i to expect my version of perfection? how can anyone possibly meet 'my' bar when i can't even do it myself? but, hey, maybe that's why i impose it. projection! god i love stream-of-consciousness writing. so cathartic. hopefully, it's at least mildly entertaining to read. so it's projection. makes sense. now i gotta work on it. let go barb. like Frou Frou says, 'let go.'

i think partly why i love music so much is because it's an escapist thing and secretly i know my wanderlust is an escapist thing too. but i also know i have to let it play out. and really, i don't think there's anything wrong with escapism as long as i acknowledge to myself that it is because i'm searching for something in everything i do. every place i go. every one i meet. what is it exactly? i don't know. and who knows if i'll ever know though i hope i do. but i'd like to think that i'll recognize it when the universe chooses to reveal it to me. i have to acknowledge that there's nothing for me to control. there's nothing i'm in control of in this scenario. except to do my best to enjoy the process. the ride. the experience. i have to trust that everything happens as it's supposed to, and will, regardless of any efforts i make. i can't force it. i can't. i can't. i can't.

lead me.

the moral of the story is that i have stop trying to control. i have to let go more. inwardly and outwardly. it's okay to not meet my 'bar' because, really, who can? and why? what's the point? intellectually, i know no one's perfect. so why am i doing this to myself and the people around me? i read this and think that sometimes i envy people who aren't in their heads so much. ha. but we've all got our own process right?

believe it or not, if you've made it this far down in the post. this has been very cathartic and i feel the little cloud over my head lifting. this is my process. but know that i'm harder on myself than anyone can ever be but i'm working on it.

thanks for reading! i'm finally getting on the jetplane...

"Colombia. Food capital. Fun as hell.'

2009-03-20T17:54:00.010-05:00

So Thursday night I got back from a week in Colombia. (Yes, it's spelled with two 'o's.) I had a spectacular time. I went in with no expectations and I was simply blown away. Makes me think I should try going into more situations with that mindset. It's definitely one of the poorest countries I've been to and yet the people have a zest for life I don't see very often.

As we were driving through the shantytowns in Barranquilla I thought, "I feel lucky to be able to see places like these because it makes me appreciative of where I get to go home to." It's sad that I have to see that kind of poverty before I realize the privileged life I lead in comparison. However it also makes me think that in this age of entitlement in which we live, my peers could stand to benefit from the wake up call only that kind of reality check could bring. These people live on cents per day. Cents. When I say shantytowns, I mean that I saw structures that didn't even have four walls. They didn't appear to all have indoor plumbing and electricity. Even in Cartagena there were vendors who rented cell-phones on the street for people to use as if they were telephone booths. But I don't want to dwell on the poverty. I'd like to move on to the highlights...

Cartagena's Old Town is probably one of the most magical places I've been to. The Spanish influence is apparent. It's a UNESCO world heritage site so many of the buildings are well preserved. The vibe is a cross between the French Quarter of New Orleans and Sevilla, Spain. One of the most striking things is how colorful the buildings are ranging from Greek Island blue to mango orange. The narrow (yet clean) streets are littered with street vendors, small taxis, and shops. Walking aimlessly, we encountered a multitude of romantic squares where locals congregated near restaurant patrons dining in the warm breeze. If I had to describe the Old Town in one word, I'd say it's romantic. Unbelievably so.

Coincidentally we also traveled in the shadow of Anthony Bourdain. We came across La Cevicheria, a restaurant where he dines in the episode where he visits Colombia where we wiled away an afternoon. Tierrabomba, an island he visits for serious 'local' food where the time from ocean to plate is whittled down to minutes and not hours and days. We happened upon a number of other spots recognized from the episode. In his words, "Colombia. Food capital. Fun as hell.'

Papaya. Papaya. Papaya.

I love it. I've never had papaya (and mango) as sweet. I'd had never cut a papaya until this trip and I know I'll be cutting many more.

Coconut rice. Coconut rice. Coconut rice.

Have you heard of a better (yet more simple) combination of flavor?

Patacon.

I think I've had enough but also delicious.

The pearl, the hidden gem, the masterpiece of our 7 days...Isla del Pirata (pictured below). We felt like we were our own private island. It wasn't luxurious. But as luck would have it, our timing was perfect. We were there for 3 days/2 nights and there were only a handful of other guests aside from us. We were spoiled with 3 days of perfect weather, 3 delicious meals per day, and cocktails to boot. And it was cheap! Did I say it was cheap? It's cheap!

Also, it's where I saw my first "22° halo" (a circular rainbow around the sun)! Unbelieveable.

Props to Luis for the halo image.

I could go on and on.

But seriously, the people are friendly and incredibly eager to show you the best of their country. They are well aware of the reputation Colombia has in the world and in my mind they're doing their best to change that rep. Check it ouuuuuut. Don't drink haterade without good cause.

Way to sum it up

2009-03-07T00:37:00.003-05:00

'In the opening sequence of The Mary Tyler Moore Show, Mary's in a supermarket, hurrying through the aisles. She pauses at the meat case, picks up a steak and checks the price. Then she rolls her eyes, shrugs and tosses it in the cart.
That's kind of how I felt. Sure, I would have liked for things to have been difference. But, roll of the eyes, what can you do? Shrug.
I threw the meat in my cart. And moved on.'

- p.302, Running with Scissors by Augusten Burroughs

Madea makes me think

2009-02-28T15:15:00.003-05:00

"You never had anything happen to you in your childhood? Then what kind of adult are you?" - Tyler Perry

I'm watching The Black List: Volume 2 right now and this quote struck me. Apparently Tyler Perry had a colorful childhood, to say the least. He followed by saying, 'It's made me who I am. It's made me the man I am.' (I wouldn't say this is verbatim but it's the jist of his comments.) He prefaced the first quote above by saying that he felt sorry for people that had a 'perfect childhood.'

I think and I think and I think and I look and I look and I look around me and the people who understand me best have experienced some kind of adversity in their youth (or young adulthood). And while, I wouldn't wish a 'colorful childhood' on anyone, especially a child, it appears there's something to be said for what it does for personality and character building. It's not to say that everyone that has been through adversity is more well adjusted or that people who haven't been through adversity are any worse off. I'm just saying that it's a pattern I've noticed in my life. It's hard to pinpoint what it is. Perhaps it's a slightly different model of empathy and compassion. Perhaps it's an acknowledged understanding and respect. Perhaps it's a different kind of humility. It's why gays understand gays differently than straight people understand gay people, and visa versa. Same goes for people of the same race or, in my case, of mixed race. If you haven't dealt with it, it never occurs to you that there's anything else. And it's not to say that the people who haven't dealt with 'it' can't understand. I think one of the most amazing things about some people is the ability to recognize that it's something that hasn't been part of their experience and then consciously make an effort to try to understand. I have such great respect for people who acknowledge that they don't know. Because it's a humbling thing. We like to think of ourselves as open and worldly but it's not about ignorance, which has a negative connotation, it's about acknowledging and then opening up yourself to broaden YOUR experience. Because, in the end, it benefits everyone.

Here I go separating. Making myself and these people around me 'the other.' But like I've always said, normal is boring.

Great quotes

2009-02-25T15:38:00.002-05:00

“The most important thing in life is your family.... Sometimes it’s the family you’re born into, and sometimes it’s the one you make for yourself.” - CARRIE BRADSHAW

“Fears are paper tigers. You can do anything you decide to do. You can act to change and control your life, and the procedure, the process is its own reward.” - AMELIA EARHART

“It’s better not to expect approval from people, because you’ll just be disappointed. You have to be who you are.” - MADONNA

- Glamour Magazine, April 2009 (p.225)

Oy

2009-01-28T10:13:00.003-05:00

I'm 'oying' myself for this post but I feel it's a service so I will sacrifice myself:

'...if you can replace the word with "it is" or "it has", then the word is it's:

It's a long way to Tipperary.

If you can replace the word with "who is" or "who has", then the word is who's:

Who's that knocking at my door?

If you can replace the word with "they are", then the word is they're:

They're not going to get away with this.

And if you can replace the word with "there is", the word is there's:

There's a surprising amount about the apostrophe in this book.

If you can replace the word with "you are", then the word is you're:

You're never going to forget the difference between "its" and "it's".'

- From Eats, Shoots & Leaves by Lynne Truss

Colorless?

2009-01-26T13:32:00.003-05:00

And not because it's mid-winter and I'm horribly pale:

I went for drinks with coworkers Friday night and was confronted with something interesting I'd never really thought about before. As always, I've forgotten the context of the conversation but it came up that I've always people thought people looked at me with questioning looks on the street because my ethnicity is visually ambiguous. Is she Filipino? Hawaiian? Possibly half white? What's the other half? It's not a good or bad thing but merely an observation on my part since I know people like to try and label everyone so that they can mentally process them, as humans are prone to do. So it was to my surprise that both coworkers said they've never thought of me as anything other than white or it's possible that they just haven't thought about me in any ethnic context at all. How interesting! Much of my consciousness involves ethnic identity and whether that's something that has been projected on me or just how i've evolved...I have no idea. Was it the chicken or the egg? As I'm writing this I think that perhaps it's because this is the first time I don't have any Asian coworkers in my immediate vicinity so I'm not compelled to make the Asian jokes or discuss my ethnic background? I don't know and ultimately it doesn't matter except to point out to me that i've never been aware of the possibility of being thought of as 'colorless.' Colorless. I'm just the Barb. Not the Chinese Barb or the Swedish, i mean, Swiss Barb. It's my lesson learned. Happy New Year all!

Bad Education

2009-01-11T08:44:00.004-05:00

Maybe it's because I watched an okay B-level movie last night before broaching Bad Education but I don't think so. In my experience, all Almodovar movies are spectacular and the main word that comes to mind after I watch them is 'visceral.' According to Webster it means, 'dealing with crude or elemental emotion,' and I think that's why it's the perfect word to describe his films.

I can't recall the last film I saw with an all-male cast that I loved, perhaps this is the first. His movies are so well crafted and push the envelope just enough to make you think about whether, if you were the protagonist, you would do the same as what's scripted. Would I kill my sibling if they were a long term drug addict and only causing utter strife to myself and the rest of my family? I'm gonna go with a no, but I'd probably think about it briefly as an easy way out. Does that make me murderous? No. In my mind, the difference between murderers/criminals and the rest of us is that they don't separate thought and imagination from reality (whether by choice or not). You can't say you've never thought about how easy life could be if you figured out a way to rob a bank and run off to some exotic island for your happily ever after. Or, how much more enjoyable life could be if (insert name of emotionally exhausting/general black hole of a person here) no longer existed. Such is the process of human thought. One is presented with a problem, one looks for the simplest solution. Of course, simplest isn't always the most moral. You see how this movie has made me think? And this is only one part of the parcel.

Can one fall in love at age 10? Are we even emotionally mature enough? Or perhaps it's because our emotional selves are still in development that we can let someone in more easily? It's like kids who learn a language at a young age pick it up faster than adults. I also happened to watch Jumper yesterday (not bad), but the lead says to his leading lady, 'since I was 5, it's only been you.' Or something to that effect. 5? I thought 10 was pushing it. But who am I to say yay or nay. Perhaps 'they just know.' That line had to come from somewhere.

Where are the lines between love, lust, and obsession? How are they different? Does love incorporate the other two and visa versa?

Why does pedophilia exist? Is it because it's forbidden? Why is 18 the age of consent? Seems arbitrary. Apparently, 'Although some young people may feel that they are mature enough to engage in a sexual relationship, others may lack the emotional development to deal with this or to feel confident enough to say 'no'. Age of consent laws are there to protect young people from being sexually exploited by adults.' Here we go again about emotional development. If age 5, is old enough to know you're in love (according to some people) then why 18? I recognize that some things just exist for our own protection and perhaps shouldn't be questioned. But I like to question. Like, why can we vote at 18 but not drink til we're 21? We're emotionally mature enough to take part in choosing who leads one of the most powerful countries on earth but not emotionally mature enough to legally have a glass of wine? On the same token, we're emotionally mature enough to drive at age 16. Meanwhile, 'On an average day in the USA, 10 teenagers are killed in teen-driven vehicles.' What? Je ne comprende pas. Maybe they don't want us voting when we're all under the influence or they figured if we've survived 2 years of teen driving we deserve to vote? Ha.

Everything seems to come down to emotional maturity, no?

Perhaps this is too much for a Sunday morning.

new year = more me

2009-01-05T19:58:00.003-05:00

it's a new year. people always say, 'a new year, a new beginning, a new you,' but what if a 'new' anything isn't what you want? what if the 'old' was just fine? what if you had a pretty good oh8?

madonna is known for reinvention and obviously that's what keeps people interested in the entertainment industry but what i really love about her is that the reinvention is just the exterior. it seems to me that she's always balls out about who she is. she's a strong woman and has never hidden who she is and what she's capable of, bitchy. or. not. so, you ask, what does Barb want this year for herself?

honestly, i don't think i'd be too upset for things to keep trucking along as they are. i've got amazing people around me and (gasp) a job i like (i know that's rare these days). the only thing i do want is to make more time for myself...treat myself better both physically and emotionally. not be so hard on myself ya know? we are our harshest critics. otherwise, oh8 was great and oh9...well...i'm not gonna hope for worse am i?

and if i could wish something for the world i'd ask for more optimism and good will, sappy i know, but those two qualities work wonders.

love is all around

2008-11-30T13:03:00.004-05:00

it's an interesting transition when family relationships become friendships. visiting family no longer becomes a once a year thing where you talk about your job and other 'safe' subjects so they don't worry about you being crazy in new york and perhaps killing yourself slowly. i've never really lived near my extended family so i've never been able to build relationships with them that more closely resemble my friendships. but as time passes and the more we see each other in our natural environments with our own groups of friends we get a more complete vision of who we are. we move past just being 'the cuz' and into actual people with lives outside of the family setting. people you're related to don't choose to be, as a result friendships aren't always a given for multitudes of reasons. but i have to say that when it does work, when you finally do bond with family it's exceedingly rewarding because blood ties draw you closer to each other much more quickly. then you find out about how much you have in common, their real wants and desires that aren't the 'safe' answers things get so much more real and interesting. you're no longer making assumptions based on what the other person chooses to show you. you become vulnerable and you don't have the choice of hiding thoughts and feelings and smiling all the time even when you don't want to because they now know better. the layers get peeled away. it's a good feeling.

i think, watching people when they're among close friends really tells you a lot about who they are. are they the ones who watch out for their friends when they're faced with unwanted attention? get them drinks? help them host? how do they greet each other? (are they genuinely excited to see each other?) how do they touch? do they care how they appear to strangers? this weekend i saw a lot of pure excitement between friends, real bonds, and a very real desire to just enjoy the moment. because, really, what else is there? exhausted as i am, i am full of love right now. (please, try not to barf on your keyboard.) i'm very lucky to have the friends i have. and now i feel like i've added a few more exceptional people. thank you.

i think, touch is a very underrated method of communication. minds out of the gutter. i value my personal space just as much as the next person, especially at rush hour on the subway but i've always been particularly drawn to people who greet with big hugs and kisses, or just touch your arm or leg when you're chatting. people who aren't afraid of contact, because i'm not, but because other people tend to be i restrain myself. i think our society has veered away from human contact for whatever reason and we can all use just a little bit more of it. just a touch can speak volumes. this weekend, i realized how important that is to me. i've noticed that i build friendships more quickly with people who are more touchy. because it's comfort. it's reassurance. it's warmth. it's acknowledgement that you're a living, breathing, human being. you're there. perhaps that's why i like to give people massages randomly.

i'm at the airport right now, already missing the people i'm leaving but also excited to be with the people at home. enough rambling i think. plus, people are scowling at me for usurping computer time.

Head Over Feet

2008-11-05T08:07:00.004-05:00

I woke up this morning, looked at my iTunes, and out of 6948 songs I picked this song by Alanis Morissette. The lyrics (see below) are a strangely accurate (mostly) in describing my feelings towards Obama.

Last night was electric. Energy pulsed in every crack and crevice of this great city. People screamed in the streets as if it was New Years' or perhaps a jailbreak. It was like we were stirred out of an 8-year coma. Over and over again, people (like myself) who said they've never cared about politics, cared and were unable to explain why. I was convinced that Obama had only possessed New York until last night. I hope that watching him win in a landslide will serve to unite these 50 broken states. To realize that as different as each district, town, and city may be the majority announced last night that we were ready for something different. We know Obama doesn't have shoes to fill, he has shoes to fix. Change wont happen overnight and it would be unrealistic to expect otherwise. Eight years of pouty, childish, holier than thou behavior will take some time to reverse however seeing people in other countries celebrate Obama's victory gives me hope that our reputation in the world community can be repaired. It's time to turn a new leaf, start a new chapter, take a deep breath, do all the things we've said we needed to do, and start the healing. No one who knows me would ever call me a patriot, in fact, people called me a communist in high school, but I have faith in people. Our biggest obstacle is the fear we have in ourselves. I have faith in the things that can be accomplished if we only believed that we could.

'I had no choice but to hear you
You stated your case time and again
I thought about it

You treat me like Im a princess
Im not used to liking that
You ask how my day was

(chorus)
Youve already won me over in spite of me
Dont be alarmed if I fall head over feet
Dont be surprised if I love you for all that you are
I couldnt help it
Its all your fault

Your love is think and it swallowed me whole
Youre so much braver than I gave you credit for
Thats not lip service

(repeat chorus)

You are the bearer of unconditional things
You held your breath and the door for me
Thanks for your patience

Youre the best listener that Ive ever met
Youre my best friend
Best friend with benefits
What took me so long

Ive never felt this healthy before
Ive never wanted something rational
I am aware now
I am aware now

(repeat chorus)'

The 3 categories of female undergarments

2008-10-14T09:50:00.004-05:00

I came across a blogpost this morning about women's underwear just now and asked Mr. Ling-erie what he thought of said blogpost. I found what he said to be hysterical, accurate, and worthy of a wwbd blogpost to see what ya'll have to say about it. Without further ado I'm honored to present (with minimal editing), 'The 3 categories of female undergarments' by Mr. Ling-erie (aka P.C.):

'you have your cute undies...to lay around in...not good for clothes since it's baggy almost like lounge wear for those ladies who don't like wearing anything beside undies at home...then you have your utility undergarments: everyday, work, comfortable...then you have the come f*#k 'ish out of me undies.

i take mental notes, i mean as a guy you know my stances when it comes to underwear. if i am unwrapping it would be nice if it was well packaged, a bonus, if i may.'

do you agree with Mr. Ling-erie's 3 categories? I think I do. I honestly didn't realize until recently that underoos are very important to some on a sexual level. Of course, I recognize there's visual appeal but I dunno I guess I just didn't know it's a bigger deal to some.

An amazing essay

2008-10-08T17:14:00.001-05:00

please read: Here's the original

'If Men Could Menstruate

by Gloria Steinem
Ms. Magazine, October 1978 (EXCERPT)

So what would happen if suddenly, magically, men could menstruate and women could not?

Clearly, menstruation would become an enviable, worthy, masculine event:

Men would brag about how long and how much.

Young boys would talk about it as the envied beginning of manhood. Gifts, religious ceremonies, family dinners, and stag parties would mark the day.

To prevent monthly work loss among the powerful, Congress would fund a National Institute of Dysmenorrhea. Doctors would research little about heart attacks, from which men would be hormonally protected, but everything about cramps.

Sanitary supplies would be federally funded and free. Of course, some men would still pay for the prestige of such commercial brands as Paul Newman Tampons, Muhammad Ali's Rope-a-Dope Pads, John Wayne Maxi Pads, and Joe Namath Jock Shields- "For Those Light Bachelor Days."

Statistical surveys would show that men did better in sports and won more Olympic medals during their periods.
Generals, right-wing politicians, and religious fundamentalists would cite menstruation ("men-struation") as proof that only men could serve God and country in combat ("You have to give blood to take blood"), occupy high political office ("Can women be properly fierce without a monthly cycle governed by the planet Mars?"), be priests, ministers, God Himself ("He gave this blood for our sins"), or rabbis ("Without a monthly purge of impurities, women are unclean").

Male liberals and radicals, however, would insist that women are equal, just different; and that any woman could join their ranks if only she were willing to recognize the primacy of menstrual rights ("Everything else is a single issue") or self-inflict a major wound every month ("You must give blood for the revolution").

Street guys would invent slang ("He's a three-pad man") and "give fives" on the corner with some exchange like, "Man you lookin' good!"

"Yeah, man, I'm on the rag!"

TV shows would treat the subject openly. (Happy Days: Richie and Potsie try to convince Fonzie that he is still "The Fonz," though he has missed two periods in a row. Hill Street Blues: The whole precinct hits the same cycle.) So would newspapers. (Summer Shark Scare Threatens Menstruating Men. Judge Cites Monthlies In Pardoning Rapist.) And so would movies. (Newman and Redford in Blood Brothers!)

Men would convince women that sex was more pleasurable at "that time of the month." Lesbians would be said to fear blood and therefore life itself, though all they needed was a good menstruating man.

Medical schools would limit women's entry ("they might faint at the sight of blood").

Of course, intellectuals would offer the most moral and logical arguments. Without the biological gift for measuring the cycles of the moon and planets, how could a woman master any discipline that demanded a sense of time, space, mathematics-- or the ability to measure anything at all? In philosophy and religion, how could women compensate for being disconnected from the rhythm of the universe? Or for their lack of symbolic death and resurrection every month?

Menopause would be celebrated as a positive event, the symbol that men had accumulated enough years of cyclical wisdom to need no more.

Liberal males in every field would try to be kind. The fact that "these people" have no gift for measuring life, the liberals would explain, should be punishment enough.

And how would women be trained to react? One can imagine right-wing women agreeing to all these arguments with a staunch and smiling masochism. ("The ERA would force housewives to wound themselves every month": Phyllis Schlafly)

In short, we would discover, as we should already, that logic is in the eye of the logician. (For instance, here's an idea for theorists and logicians: if women are supposed to be less rational and more emotional at the beginning of our menstrual cycle when the female hormone is at its lowest level, then why isn't it logical to say that, in those few days, women behave the most like the way men behave all month long? I leave further improvisation up to you.)

The truth is that, if men could menstruate, the power justifications would go on and on.

If we let them.'

Men's Health Urbanathlon, #789

2008-09-28T07:11:00.007-05:00

I've never seen Central Park in such a fog. It was almost 7am, almost race time, and I was almost at the start line, but not quite. I observed the quietness of the park at that hour. The only audible sounds were the pounding feet of the regular morning runners making their rounds around the main loop. I start seeing people who were there for the same purpose as me and I follow them. I'm more nervous than I was right before I went skydiving. Is it strange that I was more afraid of this than falling out of an airplane?

I find D and we head to the start line JUST as the race was about to begin. We've got our respective ipods strapped in, give each other a high five, and get to work. It was certainly surreal jogging across 72nd street at 7am with 1500 other people under this immense fog. I wonder if any of the people sleeping cozily in the nearby buildings are aware of this mass of runners just beneath them. We decide to split as we get on the path along the Hudson. I notice that I can't even really see New Jersey just across the river. I look ahead of me. I look to the side. I try to focus on the carefully curated playlist I'd tweaked the night before in preparation. My feet are already wet and the unseemly thought of blisters pops into my head. Will I have to abort the race because of blisters? Luckily D told me he was going to get dri fit socks the night before and I made a hasty stop at Paragon to pick up socks and a longish pair of chocolate running shorts.

I stay at my own pace and run to my own beat, after all, my goal was to finish without stopping. This was not a race of speed but rather a challenge of the mind and body. Could I do this? I notice runners with "Go Army" tees pass me and I realize that I'm going up against people who run drills like this regularly at work, who've likely seen war, and who will leave me in the dust. But no matter, this is not a race. I see the first obstacle and think, "Here we go Barb." I see D exit the obstacle as I approach it. I jump and crawl my way through it easily. "That wasn't so bad, I hope they're all like this," I think. I left a piece of skin behind while crawling through one of the tubes. I'm bleeding. Great. I skip the water stop and head on. No stopping. No stopping.

I jog along, past the 34th street heliport and see a couple about to split. "Go on," she motions. As he pulls ahead of her. I end up in line with him, running at an awkwardly similar pace right next to each other, one of us hoping to pull ahead and leave the other behind for solitude. He pulls ahead of me. I see two cars of people pull up near 14th street with signs looking for the runners they came to support. "Cute," I think. Onward. I see the pier where the second set of obstacles are sure to be. I crawl. I wipe by hands on my shirt before gripping the monkey bars, sure that I will fall off before reaching the other side. Did I train for this? "If you fall off, you'll have to backtrack a lap and try again," I hear. I miraculously get across in one shot. Pain sears trough my shoulders and traps. "How the hell did I just do that?" I see the marine hurdles which might as well be walls. The logjam leading up to it served as a nice break. "How am I gonna do this?" I turn around and ask the guy behind me, "Will you boost me if I need it?"

"Sure, no problem."

There were probably 5 hurdles, #367 boosted me on each one. I could feel the bruises on my knees each time I hoisted myself over the wood.

"I got you hon, don't worry."

I finish the hurdles, "I owe you big time, #367." I high-fived him and went on.

Onward.

I jog past city streets and think about people I know comfortably sleeping in their beds nearby, dreaming away. "Why the hell am I doing this?"

Fatigue starts to set in near Canal St and I marvel that I've made it this far. "Just gotta get to 7 World Trade Barb, that's all you gotta do."

I see people careening out of the building as I approach. I jog through a small group of supporters, past relayers waiting on teammates, and into the escape stairwell. The air is thick, ventilation is limited, and the sweat on the rails reminds me not to touch my face directly with my hands from here on out. I hear someone say, "this is the real death march," and I think of the other 'death marches' I've been on consisting mainly of endless walking around new cities. I suddenly have a refined definition. Big strapping men wearing boot camp tees are stopping on the landings. Young volunteers appear on every other landing offering support, "only 40 more flights to go!"

One woman says, "I don't think I can make it." "Yes you can!" I say "You're almost there." Onward.

I get to the 52nd FL. I hear, "Rest this way, otherwise this way to head back down."

I head right back down. Legs are wobbly. I take it slowly. I feel my 17th wind and speed up. Round and round. I look up for a second, get dizzy, look back down.

I exit 7 World Trade, grab a big jug of water and pour it into where I last remembered my mouth should be. I run on.

"More stairs!???" I hear someone exclaim.

It was the overpass back to the river side of the highway.

My final mile to the finish was a slow slow jog. "Don't stop Barb, don't stop you're almost there."

I'm reminded of an airport arrivals area as I enter Battery Park and pass through throngs of well-wishers.

I see people slide across the taxis. I see the wall. The very. Big. Wall. With just a rope. What I have is beyond fatigue but the finish line is just on the other side of this wall. Just. I lock eyes with a man who was waiting at the base offering boosts. You ready? Yeah, I guess. I get up and barely peek over the wall. I see the finish but my muscles are not helping me get anything more than my eyeballs over this wall. "Are you okay?" I hear. I feel the wood burning marks into my skin. "Just a little bit more!" I say. I contemplate stepping on his shoulder and head to give me that extra boost. Somehow we get me up and over. I steady myself on the platform before heading onward to cross the finish. "Barb!" I hear. I look over and see D. Euphoria sets in. We high five each other. "Oh my god I'm so proud of us" we both say repeatedly. Euphoria, adrenaline, whatever it is causes us to babble on for a minute or so until I realize I need water. "Lets get some water."

I feel a tap on my shoulder, "Congrats." It was the woman in the stairwell who 'couldn't' go on. I say "yes, you too."

I'm #789 and it's almost 9am.

Party for a cause!

2008-09-10T11:08:00.002-05:00

Here's some stuff:

1. Support BARACK OBAMA at this special event!

Featuring DJ ?uestlove on the ones and twos

Thursday, September 11th, 2008
Sutra, 16 First Ave., bet 1st and 2nd streets
$10 suggested donations at the door. ALL PROCEEDS go directly to the Obama '08 campaign.
On site voter registration!
Doors at 9:00pm
www.okayplayer.com

2. 'From: Not the Desmonds
Date: Tue, Sep 9, 2008 at 11:00 PM
Subject: NTD Benefit Showcase for Gifted Hands - 9/21
To: notthedesmonds@gmail.com

Friends of Not The D.,

We're sending out a save the date for a very fun and important Benefit
Showcase that we're hosting.

On September 21st, three bands will play the Living Room in the Lower East Side:

7:00 p.m. The Peel School
8:00 p.m. Not The Desmonds
9:00 p.m. Scott's Roger

First, let me start by saying that the members of The Peel School (the
new name of Mike Kleba's band) and Scott's Roger are not only all
fantastic people and great friends of mine, they're also writing and
performing some truly astounding music. No joke - you will laugh, cry
and do all those other cliche things we all do when we hear music
that's life changing. If you don't know their music, this gig is a
perfect opportunity for you to get acquainted with them. If you
do...well, you already know what I'm talking about.

Second, 100% of the $10 cover (for all three bands) will go to Gifted
Hands, an art therapy agency and community of volunteers based in the
Lower East Side who have a passion to help improve the lives of their
neighbors in New York City. For over 15 years, Gifted Hands has been
reaching out to "the least and the last" in the city, helping them to
see value in themselves through discovering they have the power to
create. Serving neighbors through art, music, dance, spiritual
support, design and other programs, Gifted Hands helps men and women
in shelters, recovery programs, crisis pregnancy centers, HIV/AIDS
residences, elder care residencies, youth-at-risk centers, foster care
group homes, churches, and people living on the streets.

Gifted Hands has started over 50 art programs around NYC and abroad
teaching jewelry, art and craft projects, stained glass, wood working,
sculpture, painting, decoupage, pen and ink drawing, and poetry
writing...hundreds of our city's least fortunate find satisfaction and
hope just by picking up a paintbrush, molding a piece of clay or
singing music they could never have imagined even hearing.
Friends, this is what being an artist is all about - making the world
a better place. We hope to see you on Sunday the 21st to celebrate
and contribute to this organization. Here are a few additional
details:
The Living Room
154 Ludlow Street btw. Stanton and Rivington
www.livingroomny.com
Sunday, September 21, 2008
Show starts at 7 p.m. sharp! Don't be late!!

Gifted Hands: http://giftedhandsnyc.com

The Peel School: www.myspace.com/thepeelschool

Scott's Roger: www.myspace.com/scottsroger

See you there.

Michael E.
Not a Desmonds
www.myspace.com/notthedesmonds'

The Dark Knight

2008-08-15T12:33:00.002-05:00

I had never seen a full Batman movie until last night and am still not quite sure why I wanted to see The Dark Knight. Nevertheless I was told to make my one go of it in IMAX. Thanks for the advice ya'll because it was awesome. This is definitely one of those movies that's worth $18 for an IMAX ticket. I felt tingly in moments when Mr. Batman threw himself from skyscrapers. Awesome. But what I'm really surprised about is how deep it is. It was a study in social conditioning. Of course, I expected the typical 'battle of good vs. evil' but, to me, it wasn't posed that way. Batman and the Joker are human, not superhuman the difference is that the Joker is more twisted due to what sounds like years of emotional abuse from his family, partners, and plain old innate craziness, etc. Harvey Dent's 'development' is posed to us as an example of how the Joker 'turned.'

The movie brought up these thoughts about human nature for me:

- Is it true that we dislike in others what we loath most about ourselves? I don't know about that. Things I dislike tend to be exact opposite of me. What about you?

- What is true is that people definitely show their true colors in times of crisis. Without giving too much away, I really admire, though am not all that surprised, by how the convict on the boat behaved at the end.

- Witness the 'moles,' is it really possible to bribe someone when human lives are at stake? Even though we were told the money was for medical purposes it's like she was trading one life for many. Which I guess is one of the main themes. How much is human life worth? Sacrifice someone near to you? Or many strangers? A bunch of convicts? Or regular citizens? Batman? Or the city of Gotham? The point posed goes against the popular concept of survival of the fittest. Rather, here, it's about the greater good. This movie seems apt in these times. We've become so much about ourselves whether in our personal lives in government, perhaps it's meant to be commentary on how we can improve on our society. Is the screenwriter saying that America is destined to become Gotham City if we stay on our general path? I admit, I think people have become increasingly selfish, care less about the greater good and social responsibility. For fear of sounding like an old fart, I think the generation of kids growing up today are really at a lack for all the aforementioned things, they're almost helpless because everything is done for them or at their fingertips. Kids are fearless about talking back to teachers, don't care about passing classes, don't care about disturbing a whole car of train passengers with their behavior, don't care about holding a door open for an elderly person (or anyone), don't care about giving up a seat for a pregnant lady, etc. I bet, my mother's generation said the same things about mine but I feel like I could easily chat with someone of my mom's age and we'd agree. It's a sense of common sense, decency, and etiquette that has been usurped by a focus on personal satisfaction. I feel like the more I write the more I lose meaning but I hope it makes sense because I think the deterioration is a damn shame. I mean, when I'm old are kids just gonna push me over on the sidewalk? Really, I'm just thinking of my own well-being as a senior citizen. ha.

In any case, a movie that makes me think is good in my book. 3 cheers for Batman and I really think Heath Ledger was fantastic. I can see how he must've been overtaken by the Joker's 'darkness.' I think I would be too.

sidewalk dining, All Points West festival

2008-08-07T09:18:00.009-05:00

1. Just came across this really cool thing on NYMag.com it lists 200 of their top restaurants with sidewalk seating. I'd beware of heavily trafficked areas though, you don't want to end up inhaling more exhaust than food.

2. My friend has two extra tickets to the Alhttp://www.blogger.com/post-edit.g?blogID=2208490287871300707&postID=7136254816609073606l Points West Festival for this Saturday. He's looking to sell them for face value ($89). If you're interested, contact him: Subhash 917 340-4149

Looks like Radiohead and The Roots are playing.

3. If you want to opt out of catalogs, this seems like a good, central place to do it. Found on the Women's Health Mag website:

www.catalogchoice.org

Easy way to save some paper and energy.

4. Would the ladies reading use this???????
http://gocommandos.com/

Go forth and conquer!

subway etiquette 101

2008-08-07T08:47:00.002-05:00

i can tell u what barb wouldn't do and that is to groom. on the. subway. seriously. some woman who had a faint resemblance to ms. piggy (and i mean that in the nicest possible way) sat one seat away from me on the subway this morning. she announced her arrival with the thud of her purse on the seat between us and i mean a THUD. there must've been bricks in there or something. then makeup started coming out and she was applying it here and there, nothing i hadn't seen before but then...then...then...she pulled out the tweezers! what's worse is that she was plucking stray hairs from her lip area. pursing her VERY full lips to pluck pluck pluck. i looked across at the other riders searching for looks of horror and disbelief and felt justified. who does that? i mean, i've seen people clip their nails and apply makeup but i think tweezing is a bit much. i understand the concept of multitasking but if you can't squeeze out 5 minutes to do that in your own bathroom then perhaps you should be relegated to hairiness. are on board subway waxers far behind?

we pull into 23rd street and it was like the conductor was waiting for her to pull her ish together to get off the train. the doors were open an abnormal amount of time while she dropped makeup, spilled coffee, and scrambled to throw herself out of the car in time before the doors shut behind her.

then all the people in my portion of the train just giggled both to each other and to themselves. i think even spied a smirk on the face of the gross offender while she composed herself on the platform. perhaps she realized the ridiculousness of it all or just wished she got off the train more gracefully aware of the audience around her.

Mortality

2008-08-04T10:47:00.005-05:00

Sometimes I wonder why some deserve to live longer than others? Sometimes I wonder if it means that those who live longer are given the time because they have something further to contribute to humanity? Sometimes I wonder if some people would think of what lies after death, whatever that may be, as being better than life? These are not questions I expect answers to, likely because there aren't any, but I also can't help but ask when indirectly confronted with deaths that are so sudden, seemingly unjustified, and cruel (to those left behind). Perhaps asking questions doesn't help? Perhaps this is one of those instances where you just have to accept things as they are and look towards the happier things in life? Value what you have and all that jazz. After all, there's an endless array of the 'Sometimes,' 'Perhaps,' and 'maybes,' 'ifs,' 'ands,' or 'buts' one can pose. 'Unfair,' is another word that comes to mind. But because these are seemingly unanswerable questions, the only way for me to think about death is as a part of life and equally as unpredictable. As a result, we can only go day by day, enjoying all that we can in the time we are given so that perhaps when it is our time those we leave behind can say, 'hey, at least she lived a full life and never held back.'

Now that I'm in better humor compared to this morning when I wrote the above, I'd like to say, "Live hard, play hard, try not to die."

Electronic crap = Money

2008-07-31T09:19:00.004-05:00

I've got at least 3 old cell phones, an old PDA, cameras, an almost dead computer and lord knows what else stowed away at home. Think about it, I bet you do too. So when I read about Gazelle this morning in my Wise Bread newsletter (it's a really good one btw), I thought it was worth sharing since they give you money for your crap and pay for shipping. Here's the description from Wise Bread:

'We all have a few old electronics lying around that we never use anymore. It seems a waste to just throw them away, but it often takes effort to sell them. Now there is a new service called Gazelle that allows you to trade your old electronics for cash with the least amount of hassle.

Gazelle has a very simple to use website that allows you to search for the gadget you wish to get rid of. After you find your item you can input the condition it is in. For example, I typed in Palm Zire 71 and I was asked if the item powers on and what condition it is in. After that, Gazelle spits out an appraisal and allows me to add the item for checkout. It also has an estimate of how much the item may be worth in the future. For electronics the price trend tends to go down because people always want to buy the newest gadget. After I checked out, it prompted me to print out a prepaid shipping label and ship the item with a box. For some qualifying items Gazelle will even send you a box to ship the item.

After the item is received Gazelle will inspect the item and confirm that it is in the condition you described, then you will be paid the quoted price. This process takes about a week according to the website. The company also guarantees that if you ship in an electronic with data on it they would wipe it clean so you do not have to worry about your privacy. They will also take items with no value for the purpose of recycling.

Currently the company buys mostly electronics such as cell phones or gaming consoles, but they may expand the types of items they are willing to purchase in the future. It really seems like a love child between a pawn shop and Netflix, and I am sure it will help a lot of people get rid of their unwanted junk because it is so easy to use. Users of Gazelle will reduce the amount of junk that go to landfills and also reclaim a few bucks in the process so it really seems like a win win situation. So go ahead and try it out, because that pile of junk sitting in your garage may be worth some gas money.'

Get Cash For Your Gadgets at gazelle.com

News Flash Walter Cronkite

2008-07-21T15:01:00.004-05:00

I don't get it. I've been on the not-so-enviable receiving end of some unsolicited heckling and I've also witnessed other ladies getting harassed in the last week. The majority of the hecklers, I've noticed, are construction workers. Normally, it's flattering and I don't mind but last week I found it intrusive, unnecessary and annoying. It also made me wonder why it's mostly construction workers. Is it because they're peeping on the general populace all day long while they're working? Is it because they think they're giving women a confidence boost? Is it because they're bored? Is it some frat boy mentality? Does ANYONE know a construction worker they can ask? We all people-watch, I mean, it's the sport of New York but to feel the need to audibly comment all the time? I don't quite get it. Do they expect us to turn around and drop down to our knees to propose marriage? Really? I get that it's summer, and therefore open season on women in skimpy clothing but I guess I wonder why comments have to be vulgar and not just generally appreciative if they are to be made at all. I feel like that makes more sense. Wouldn't the average woman be more likely to respond to a 'hey beautiful' rather than 'oh my f*c*i*g god, look at that a*s' or 'those legs would break me.' I think the increasing level of vulgarity is whats prompted me to post this but I recognize I've got no control over any of it. Just wondering what other ladies thought in regards to heckling?

We may be grown up

2008-07-21T13:38:00.004-05:00

(mostly) but there's still fun to be had (absolutely). In that spirit my dear dear friend has been sweating over Sweeeeet for the last few months and it's finally done. It's a game/story book for adults but not in that lude and crude way. It looks awesome. I haven't gotten a copy yet but knowing her, it wont disappoint. Get a Sweeeeet! taste right here then get one for yourself to keep your A.D.D. ass entertained on the subway or on the beach.

Energy

2008-07-21T11:59:00.003-05:00

Just read this in the EcoStiletto newsletter which in turn quoted MoveOn.org:

'And not to get all political on you or anything, but we thought we might help spread the word about Al Gore's challenge to the incoming administration to commit to producing 100 percent of our electricity from renewable energy and clean carbon-free sources within 10 years. To paraphrase: We're borrowing money from China to buy oil from the Persian Gulf while scientists say that enough solar energy falls on the surface of the earth every 40 minutes to meet 100 percent of the entire world's energy needs for a full year and enough wind power blows through the Midwest corridor every day to meet 100 percent of U.S. electricity demand. As MoveOn.org puts it, "When we send money to foreign countries to buy nearly 70 percent of the oil we use every day, they build new skyscrapers and we lose jobs. When we spend that money building solar arrays and windmills, we build competitive industries and gain jobs here at home...It is only a truly dysfunctional system that would buy into the perverse logic that the short-term answer to high gasoline prices is drilling for more oil ten years from now."'

I had no idea oil free energy was so plentiful! Did you?

Support the challenge!

my mind's in disturbia because this shit is making me mental

2008-07-14T06:50:00.005-05:00

yes, i like rihanna, more and more with each poppy hit she rolls off the assembly line. her songs are damn catchy and for some reason 'disturbia' is resonating with me right now. another song i like is alanis' 'straitjacket.' hmm, 'disturbia' and 'straitjacket' what does that say about my state of mind or is it possible i'm reading too much into it? i think i'm just a little tired. the first part of this year has been a bit of a whirlwind between traveling, work transitions, and life in general and i'm pooped. i feel like sitting back and letting other people take the steering wheel. i want to be a passenger, i'm sick of driving. but perhaps i'm just literally sick of driving because i drove 500 miles last week?. but i usually like to drive, though probably not in traffic. yes, perhaps. because 'i would walk 500 miles, and i would walk 500 hundred more, just to be the man who walked a thousand miles to be with you, dah dah dah, dah dah dah, dah dah dah, dadadumdadeedumdadum...'

and that's my life in song lyrics ladies and gents. haha.

The Celestine Prophecy

2008-06-27T06:48:00.002-05:00

So i just finished reading this and have some thoughts. i'm not one for too much spirituality like seeing people's positive energy fields glow and grow, i can understand that as a metaphor but not reality. there are a few concepts i can appreciate particularly:

- if you give positive energy you'll get positive energy from others in return
- there are no coincidences
- you encounter everyone in life for a reason and it's up to you to find out just what that reason is or it'll pass you by
- human conflicts are a result of a battle for energy, people wanting to take energy from others
- in matters of the heart, it's best to start from a place of friendship. otherwise it's easy to get carried away with 'love at first sight' which is great until the dust settles and one person expects the energy that should be reciprocal to just be given resulting in conflict.

while these aren't new concepts i appreciate them as guidelines to how we should treat each other and approach life. they make sense, no? think about it.The

The world needs more

2008-06-23T15:42:00.002-05:00

of crazy fun people like the ones in this video:

Where the Hell is Matt?

it's JUST not that serious. have fun. now.

Coolio quote

2008-06-22T22:07:00.002-05:00

a friend sent me this item that's for sale on Etsy and i just love the quote:

'EVIL
For I must love, and
am resolv'd to try
My fate, or, failing
in the
adventure, die.'

http://www.etsy.com/view_listing.php?listing_id=8577030

Best meal of my life?

2008-06-20T07:18:00.004-05:00

I'm not sure. Last night Dubya and I dined at Momofuku Ko, for the uninitiated or blissfully ignorant, it's David Chang's latest dining mecca except without a ssam or noodle (unless you count a pasta shell) in sight. Getting the reservation is the hardest part but completely worth the effort. Dubya and I had been trying for months before he serendipitously lucked out last week. We made a pact that if either of us 'made it' we'd bring the other.

Those who know me know I'm not a huge fan of seafood. I like to blame my mother for serving me lots of ugly looking fish when i was a kid and saying, 'eat it, it's brain food!' But by now I think it's just a personal vendetta of Barb vs. edible sea creatures. Honestly I just don't think I like the texture and taste. Ah mom, what else can I blame you for?

HOWEVER, I was paying $100 for a chef's tasting menu and you better believe I ate every last bit of everything short of the plate(s) and wooden chopsticks. Anyway Dubya pointed out to me that this was going to be a once in a blue moon kinda thing so we should just go all out and get the drink pairing as well. I said, 'what the hell?' I'm in for $100 why not $150? It would have otherwise gone to a pair of jeans i would've eventually 'outgrown,' instead i splurged on a meal that would surely help me outgrow all my clothes. You can choose to spend either $50, $85, or $100 on the pairings and I can say the $50 was WELL worth it. Drinks ranged from sake to beer to a white wine made in the style of a red out of sauvignon blanc grapes. I NEED to find out the label of that one.

I'm not writing to give a detailed review of each course. I actually don't even know how many there were, speculation leads to a number between 10-12. My favorite dishes were the deep fried short ribs, the last dessert course which involved corn flakes, milk and something that tasted like Toblerone (the chocolate of my fatty mcfatty fat childhood), the dish containing split pea soup and items from the great states of Georgia and Louisiana, and the poached egg situation. I was obviously NOT taking copious notes about my food like the dude on my left who I bet was a food blogger/writer of some sort. He was definitely trying to sweet talk the lone lady chef into divulging details she probably didn't care to divulge.

The whole experience was spectacular. I was transfixed watching the 3 chefs meticulously assemble each dish in front of me while the 'two hot women' (Dubya's words, not mine) hustled behind us to bus the dishes, serve and explain each drink, and be generally pleasant. I think the staff were engineered to say, 'good luck,' to anyone who discussed the 'next time' they get a reservation there because i heard it more than once from a 2/6 staff present. haha. not in a mocking way, just simply 'good luck.' In any case, the food was delicious, all of it. I even liked the halibut, the crawfish in the pea soup, supposedly there was some foie gras in one dish but the lychees masked all that flavor for me, the fluke now seems unmemorable compared to my favorites but i'd be hard-pressed to come up with one dish i didn't like. I even liked the butter knives that had contrasting angled handles so that they rested on the cutting edge of the blade. How cool?

My one disappointment? Espresso out of a pod! Everything was so painstakingly prepared and to end with espresso from a pod? Boo. I kid. I have a pod espresso doohickey at home and it makes very tasty coffee for lazy people.

I've realized lately how 'into' food i've become in the last two years but why not? Good food is one of the great pleasures of life and it's harder to come by than you think, especially if you've had great meals like this...everything else just pales in comparison. How many fond memories do you have that are attached to a meal? Plus, you're putting it into your body why not make sure it's the good stuff?

'What Women Want (Maybe)'

2008-06-15T06:48:00.005-05:00

I just read a terribly interesting article from the New York Times, here's a nugget:

'“Women physically don’t seem to differentiate between genders in their sex responses, at least heterosexual women don’t,” she said. “For heterosexual women, gender didn’t matter. They responded to the level of activity.”

Dr. Chivers’s work adds to a growing body of scientific evidence that places female sexuality along a continuum between heterosexuality and homosexuality, rather than as an either-or phenomenon.'

It continues to say that men who label themselves "bi" are generally more aroused by men while women who label themselves as such are equally aroused by both sexes. That says to me something we've all known all along that men don't have the same level of freedom to express their sexuality in society as women do. Bi women are 'hot' while bi men are just assumed to be gay. Fair? Not so much. I think it's because the current perspectives are mainly from a heterosexual male's viewpoint; bi women will eventually 'come to their senses' and go running back to men and bi men are just masquerading with women to cover up gayness.

I wish people would just simmer down with the need to label because some just don't fall into a category anymore and there's nothing wrong with that. And even when they do, in the case of the bi male, they're still perceived as something else so why bother categorizing anyway if you're going to believe what you want? In any case, I think it's an interesting article and subject that merits discussion because that's the only way to get people to consider that perhaps labeling isn't the most efficient way to 'figure out' those they encounter.

Light bulb!

2008-06-10T11:31:00.008-05:00

What great insight. Had to share:

'In Latin America there were so many things that were out of your control. The check you were expecting might arrive or the bank could go bankrupt, wiping out your life savings in an hour. The bus you were expecting might come in an hour, or it might not come at all -- which means that you could stand in line freaking out, checking your watch, and asking everyone where the bust was, or you could set your bags down and start up an impromptu party with the people around you. Either way, the bus was either going to come or it wouldn't. There was nothing worrying would do to make it come any faster.

This attitude was the only way to survive in Latin America and it had taken a lot of time to make it finally sink in. After all, I had been trained from birth that everything was within my control. I had to be accountable, be responsible, make things happen. But now I understand that responsibility was only part of the equation -- life was the process of finding the delicate balance between responsibility and spontaniety, adulthood and innocence, duty and joy.

In the United States, we placed so much stock in responsibility, because we held on to an illusory notion that we were completely in control of our lives. Any bad event was an aberration, an act that needed to be remedied. We believed in order: The movie was supposed to start on time, the ATM machine was expected to work, the mechanic would never be out to lunch when we needed repair. Bad things weren't supposed to happen, but when they did, someone had to be punished. If I slipped in a restaurant, it was the owner's fault. If I got in a car accident, someone was always to blame. In the United States, there was an incessant need to control a world it was often impossible to control. Because the truth was, sometimes the plate simply slipped out of your hands.'

- From Avoiding Prison + Other Noble Vacation Goals, by Wendy Dale

Makes total sense doesn't it?

love is an action

2008-06-09T10:22:00.009-05:00

so yesterday a friend introduced me to this quote:

“Love is not a feeling. Love is an action, an activity. . .Genuine love implies commitment and the exercise of wisdom. . . . love as the will to extend oneself for the purpose of nurturing one's own or another's spiritual growth.....true love is an act of will that often transcends ephemeral feelings of love or cathexis, it is correct to say, 'Love is as love does'.” - M. Scott Peck

if you read my previous post about action it should be obvious why this quote resonates with me. love is what we all aspire to isn't it? love of your work, love of others, which translates ultimately into a love of life and having it infused into all areas of your existence.

here's a fantastical piece from Shambhala Sun along the same lines.

yes, i'm having an existential morning. sue me! :P

A Barb Bikes in Brooklyn

2008-06-03T07:23:00.004-05:00

The weather yesterday was so beautiful that my lazy arse couldn't refuse myself a nice bike ride but i wasn't content with just a turn around the park, i wanted to explore other parts of Brooklyn. So I pulled out an old issue of TONY that featured worthy local bike rides and set off. I biked from Park Slope to Manhattan Beach and back. Who knew there's a Manhattan Beach in Brooklyn? I didn't. It's WAY better than Coney Island but also WAY smaller. But beach aside, the real interesting part to me was riding through the different neighborhoods. Having grown up here I know NY is a salad bowl but it's another scenario entirely when you see so much in a few short hours within the same borough. I managed to biked through Park Stroller into areas where there were signs identifying Punjabi restaurants, people speaking in Arabic, Asian folk playing handball, black folk hanging out on stoops, Hasidic Jews minding the kids, and finally Russians hanging out on the beach. I think I even saw a group of Nepalese men chatting in front of a bodega. In between there were some beautiful and ginormous suburban looking homes with manicured lawns on Ditmas Avenue, Brooklyn College (where Michael Cunningham teaches) in front of which i passed a trainer from my gym, before finally reaching a marina and ultimately the beach. I was in bike lanes pretty much the whole time but i wouldn't recommend the ride if you're afraid of car traffic.

I was reminded while i was riding that part of why I love NY is it's diversity. People fight all over the world, yes i'm mindful that this country is partaking in a grievous war, but in NY people of all backgrounds live in the same borough blocks away from each other. The fact that I could hop on a bike and encounter such a variety of people is amazing. I don't have to get on a plane to go anywhere. The world comes to NY.

On the ride back amidst comments coming from cars like, "hey, can i ride with you," and stares from small children in schoolbusses gawking at me on their way home, and the beginning of fatigue setting in since i was riding home on a flat rear tire I thought, 'hey, this is pretty cool that i got to do this.'

With Every Heartbeat

2008-05-29T13:19:00.002-05:00

Just wanted to share some simple yet excellent song lyrics:

With Every Heartbeat by Robyn

'Maybe we could make it alright
We could make it better sometime
Maybe we could make it happen baby
We could keep trying
but things will never change

So I don’t look back
Still I’m dying with every step I take
But I don’t look back
Just a little, little bit better

Good enough to waste some time
Tell me would it make you happy baby
We could keep trying
but things will never change
So I don’t look back
Still I’m dying with every step I take
But I don’t look back
We could keep trying
but things will never change
So I don’t look back
Still I’m dying with every step I take
But I don’t look back

And it hurts with every heartbeat
It hurts with every heartbeat'

action

2008-05-27T15:43:00.004-05:00

when you think about the last action you performed that required thought (i need to go to the gym, i need to buy milk, i need to plan a holiday, i need to check my email, etc.) what are the processes that take it from thought to action? does the amount of thought correspond with the severity and importance of the action? why do some thoughts remain thoughts and never become action? and how does the brain filter? why do some have problems with action and not others? they're all very abstract questions. i recognize this. but i'm gonna try anyway.

i think, for basic everyday actions like going to the gym, cooking, buying milk, checking email, going to the bathroom, and going to work, etc., the thought process happens quickly because the actions are remote, habitual, innate and therefore barely register as actual 'thoughts.' they generally have already been learned. but when it comes to new actions like taking a new route to work, learning a new sport, new language, starting a new relationship or anything that could be written with the word 'new' the processes take longer. 'duh,' you say. 'barb, you're comparing basic human functions to larger changes, not the same thing.' you're right. but at some point, wasn't learning those basic human functions a big deal? or is it still apples and oranges?

what prompts some to action and not others?

for some reason i feel like i'm in the minority sometimes as far as people who think and actually 'do.' i like to talk and analyze. i can do it backwards, forwards, sideways and backwards again but if it's within my realm of possibility, i will also just plain do it. because isn't that the only real way to find out what you're capable of? (i was about to type 'the best way' but decided that using the word 'best' would make it a judgement and this is just thought not judgement) i've discovered it's not so for many people. but why? can we just chalk it up to all of us being different? a lack of want perhaps? or fear of the unknown? for the latter, is it then easier for a person to just constantly wonder than try to conquer the fear?

there are also people who think about something that is very much outside of their norm and do it when the right opportunity presents itself and i wonder what drives them from thought to action. but i guess i just answered my own question by saying it was the presence of, 'the right opportunity.'

undoubtedly, there are thoughts we all have that don't become reality. once upon a time i thought about shaving my head, luckily, for the greater good, i never followed through. but when was the last time you've seriously thought about something like buying a new computer, moving to Timbuktu, quitting your job, but haven't followed through with? why? i think for me, it's almost always a lack of want. i've always said that i really have to want something (moving, new computer,) or really want to be done with something else (jobs, relationships, my old computer) that the action takes place. to me, it's all about want. so if that's my mentality, that's also how i anticipate other people to process their thoughts ('they must not be doing it because they don't really want it'). i wonder what the truth is in that? am i thinking too black and white?

i guess all i can do is continually try to see others' perspectives and trust that they are capable of making their own decisions. but if you know me, you know i like to be in control and will unconsciously try to make those decisions for others even if they don't know that i'm trying. honestly, i think that's why i try to be all things to some people because then i've done my best, presented myself in the best light and will therefore be relatively blameless and free of my conscience in hindsight. because, to me, there's nothing worse than regret. nothing worse than looking back and saying, 'i should have.' because there's nothing you can DO about it once the moment has passed. so there it is. lack of action = regret (to me)

what do you think?

My childhood

2008-05-21T14:12:00.003-05:00

Dearest Sandra mentioned shopping for school supplies which just inspired me to come up with this random list of youth related things so blame her...

-Trapper Keepers (a new one every year. duh!)
-The acompanying folders that only fit into said Trapper Keepers
-Mead
-# 2 Pencils
-Marble composition notebooks (bonus points if you could get the colored ones)
-Book protectors/wrappers
-Anything prominently featuring Keroppi or Hello Kitty (not for me of course)
-Metal lunchboxes with thermoses (mine was Annie)
-'Scratch and sniff' anything
-Bazooka (and you have to share/swap the comics with friends)
-Think Michael Jackson and Prince were the same person (I did!)
-Own a headband
-Wax on wax off
-Color Me Badd
-Marky Mark and the Funky Bunch
-Know how to properly spell "Sike!"
-Tamagotchis
-Cabbage Patch Kids and Garbage Pail Kids
-Neon clothing
-TGIF (AND the jingle)
-Alf (i had the hand puppet)
-Know who Balki Bartokomouse is (hello Perfect Strangers!)
-Mr. Belvedere
-'Picture it...Sicily 1949...'
-Hogan's Family
-227
-Know who was "movin' on up to the east side, into a deeeelux apartment in the skyyyy"
-Empty Nest
-Nurses
-The Smurfs and the Snorks
-He Man
-Transformers
-Thundercats
-Know that it's Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles and not TMNT as it is known today
-8 bit Nintendo (knowing the duck hunt gun had to be ON the tv screen to work and blowing on the cartridge to get the game working)
-"only $19.99 plus shipping and handling"
-Landlines
-Walkman
-Love Phones with Dr. Judy on zzzzzzz100
-Making tapes (including diving at the stereo/hi-fi to stop recording from the radio once the song ended)
-Hate Barney
-You brought Trolls to school
- "___________ & ____________ sitting in a tree, KISSING, first comes love, then comes marriage, then comes a baby in a baby carriage!"
-MASH (the show and the game)
-The fine art of making fortune tellers
-Have they found Carmen Sandiego yet?
-Small Wonder
-Be confused by the Macarena
-Slap bracelets
-PeeWee's Playhouse

Last but not least, be prepared to discuss the previous night's episode of 90210, Melrose Place, Cheers, Seinfeld, Fresh Prince, Blossom, Full House, Dawson's Creek, Different Strokes, and/or Friends. Only discuss Golden Girls with VERY close friends. Oh and have people make fun of you because you weren't allowed to go see movies which resulted in you missing crucial avant-garde cinema such as Pretty in Pink, Space Balls, and Ferris Bueller's Day Off and relevant references stemming from those films (ie., Bueller!) until much later in life. Oh wait, that was just me.

we've got some additions!

Tube socks (neon color=bonus points)
Scrunchies (had way too many of these)
Zinc sun protection (wore this at camp...I remember the bright pink)
Slip 'n Slide (loved that thing in the summer- although it killed the grass on my lawn...)
MC Hammer Pants
Cosby Show
Family Ties
Rainbow Bright
She-Ra (had to mention her if you mentioned He-man)
Carebears
Cabbage Patch Kids (I recall one that burped)
Pepsi Clear
Goonies
Zest commercials (those "zestfully clean" commercials were catchy)
Tie Dye Shirts
Bleaching jeans
those hideous colorful "rings" you tied up your long t-shirts with

No reservations

2008-05-19T09:59:00.005-05:00

it's the middle of the day here in Park Slope and i'm watching "No Reservations" with Anthony Bourdain. what's usually a funny show about a tall NY chef traveling and eating in foreign countries and other states in the U.S., is not so funny because in this episode, he's in Beirut. while he's there, he only gets to enjoy one local meal before bombing breaks out. the rest of the episode is about them hiding out in a hotel in a 'safe' part of town and about evacuating out of the city. there are clips of them hanging out by the hotel's pool watching clouds of dropped bombs not so far away. what must that be like? i mean, Bourdain said the most shameful thing they could have had on tape was lounge by the pool and watch. there were kids frolicking in the pool no less. but at the same time there was nothing they could do. their security guy's house was leveled and all they could do was wait at the hotel for the state department to evacuate them. finally they were evacuated by the Marines but in the meantime leaving loads of people behind who weren't as lucky. geez. i mean, thinking about my life, living in park slope where the most drama happens when a parent posts about a lost 'boys hat' on the parents board that caused a huge hoopla over gender politics, i have to think about how lucky i am. how lucky that living in a war zone is NOT my existence and how lucky i am to be able to do the things i do. to have the people i have. to laugh as much as i do. to be as frivolous as i can be.

i have no idea how long ago this episode was taped but i think that's irrelevant. it's about knowing how lucky you are because you can tell how lucky the usually snarky Bourdain, feels and how much he increasingly appreciates life even during the course of this one episode. it was something as trivial as having mac and cheese on the navy boat that triggered a feeling of comfort bc it was a sign that he was safer than he was only days before, it reminded him of home, and he fact that he was on his way back to life as he knows it. mac and cheese, this is a serious NY chef and it was mac and cheese that made him appreciate life. awesome. the experience reminded him that there was no guarantee of tomorrow. because we only have the moment, what's in front of us right now. because our main job in life is really to enjoy the time we have. right. now. thank your lucky stars that, if you're reading this, you likely live a privileged existence. appreciate it. do what you can for the greater good and those near and dear to you and enjoy.

I want your life

2008-05-05T08:06:00.004-05:00

lately, i've had a handful of people say this to me and while i find it tremendously flattering i'm not quite sure what to do with it. i don't have anything they don't. if anything, perhaps, just a more relaxed attitude to life. is that possible? perhaps i'm not as driven and type A as others? i can languish in unemployment for a short period without feeling too guilty. on the contrary i'd like to go on a roadtrip or two if possible. but i dunno, the sentiment is a great compliment to me, i guess i'm doing something right? i just hope if other people want it that they can get it. can i help?

blink

2008-04-29T09:53:00.004-05:00

so i just finished reading Blink by Malcolm Gladwell. i picked it up randomly off of my friend's bookshelf while i was in maui. i identified it as something i've been wanting to read but the ultimate test for me always comes when i read the first few pages, if it grabs me, it's on! but if not, it'll go back on the shelf. yes, i am a fickle book reader. my bad yo.

but this book did grab me, mostly because it was about psychology and human behavior and i love analysis, i find it all terribly intriguing. however the best part was that it was written in a very approachable manner, not in highfalutin' psychobabble that would have lost me at hello. i'm smart but not that smart. ha.

in any case, i identify with this book because it's about how people make decisions whether it's a snap judgement or a well-thought out processed decision. the jist is that we humans have demonstrated repeatedly (of late) that we don't trust our gut instincts enough. it seems that Gladwell's opinion is that in the end only you know whether to trust your gut or whether you need more evidence. apparently the majority of the time we're flooded with information that only clouds our efforts at judgement. it seems, at times, the less information the better. he use examples of battles during times of war comparing leaders that had vast amounts of intelligence at their disposal vs. others that didn't. the leaders that didn't were forced to trust their instincts and they were usually the ones that won the battle. of course, i'm majorly oversimplifying Gladwell's writing and doubt i'm doing it the justice it deserves but my main attraction to it is that he's calling us to action. not to just be content to sit and evaluate things given all the data that is available to us in this age of technology. to me, he's saying that we as humans are losing our instincts because we're increasingly clouded by information. it's not to say that information is bad, not at all, we just have to be able to figure out what's useful, what's not, and when enough is enough. there are scenarios when computers will repeatedly trump human intellect in frequency and accuracy and hence the beauty of modern technology but there are also a multitude of situations where only our instinct and gut will help us and generally these are the ones that require split second reactions. Gladwell uses examples of studies done on policework, randomized studies, but the most interesting of all (and also the most brilliant in it's simplicity) is one about how orchestras choose new musicians.

apparently, once upon a time, people just came and tried out for specific instruments. makes sense right? but then randomly an orchestra in Germany decided to hold blind auditions which means that the classical musicians tried out behind a screen so the only thing they could be evaluated on was pure skill. so when the maestro of this orchestra heard a particular musician play and say, this is the one, this is the one. do you think he was surprised when the musician came out behind the screen and it was...a woman? absolutely. as is the case in so many things, women were discriminated against in this particular industry. it was thought that women just couldn't play certain, more masculine, instruments properly, they just didn't have the physical capacity or whatever other reason men of the time could come up with. but here, there was irrefutable evidence that a woman could indeed play as well as a man and so eventually (and remember i'm greatly simplifying this) now 50% of orchestras audition blindly. how awesome is that? a problem was identified and instead of organizing some mass method of inquiry/study/investigation someone thought, why not just make it the industry standard to have blind auditions? because in the end, all that matters is the music right? so Gladwell's point in the end, in my opinion, was that if we could return to that kind of thought that's more...simple, simplistic, basic, elementary...many of the issues that we as a society face right now could possibly be solved. again, i recognize that many of the problems of the world are complex but just because they are complex does that mean there's no simple solution?

if i had to sum up this book briefly i'd say that he's urging us to go back to our instincts, a tool we've been equipped with probably since the beginning of time now dulled by lack of confidence in humans over machines and a deluge of information. if you know me, you'd know by now why i like this book. it has been a process but i've gradually learned to trust my gut because it has been proven to me over and over again that it's usually right. i've allowed myself to be open to and at least consider the opportunities that come my way. and luckily i can say that 95% of the time it's turned out phenomenally. listen to your instincts and you'll know when to go, stop, and/or pause. have faith and patience that the universe is not out to destroy you. half full people, half full.

skydiving

2008-04-27T08:49:00.005-05:00

it all started out on a girls night at C's house.

L said, 'hey i'm going skydiving for my birthday.'
i say, 'hey, i've been wanting to go again.'
L: 'you wanna go? my friend's mom is an avid skydiver and she's hooking me up."
B: 'sure, i'm in!
L: 'anyone else? lets all go.'

and that's pretty much how it came to be that 5 girls drove to connecticut on 4/26 to jump out of a plane...

but there's really nothing like it which makes it somewhat hard to describe when people ask, "well how was it?" actually i find that a hard question to answer in general. it's so broad, where does one begin?

lemme try.
picture it:

i jump into a suit that makes me look like a mechanic, 'give me a wrench C!'

getting on the plane you wonder what the hell you're doing and why. the further up you climb, the smaller objects on the ground seem, the more you think about your life and things you've yet to do. though i will say that there are worse ways to go then while skydiving. i thought about how lucky i am to have done as much as i have thus far. but as we climb to 4,000 ft and the 'funjumper' went out and was swept away abruptly by the atmosphere...THAT'S when the real fear kicks in and you want to cry 'mommy' and get back on the ground which, of course, isn't possible (at least not for someone with as much pride as me, if i go skydiving, i'm skydiving). when you watch someone else fall out of a plane and get taken away by the wind, it's not something you forget. my feet and legs start to tingle with a combination of general discomfort from my sitting position, fear, and more fear. i also thought i'd lose my sneakers in the air and kill some unfortunate person down below. i hold on to the hand grip with my right hand envisioning some grave mishap where i just fall out of the plane by accident and tried to look away from the open door, just a few feet in front of me on my left as the plane climbed higher and higher. "we'll be up in another 5 minutes," he says. and i thought, 5 minutes is an eternity, get me out now! luckily, my tandem, Mike has almost 7500 jumps under his belt and knows how to distract newbie jumpers. he pointed out the sights, "hey, there's UConn, there's Springfield, Mass., there's Harftord, and on a clear day you can see Manhattan." i say a combination of, "wow, that's cool, wow, awesome, so cool," in an effort to SEEM calm because god forbid I show fear. i even tried asking questions. my hands are clamming up and it's cold but we finally get to 10,500ft and move ourselves toward the door, i have to toss my legs over and the wind takes them to the right. i think my heart is about to jump out of my chest. he makes some final adjustments on the straps, i feel like my breath is being taken away (cue the song) and out we go. i do my best to keep my back arched and legs back as we practiced. but i don't really think i breathed at all during the free fall, the wind was hitting my face, i felt it contorting, my mind was racing at the speed of the free fall (about 140 mph i think)if not faster but it moved so quickly i had no idea what thoughts they were. i don't even recall seeing anything. mike said that i should look up and try to find the plane in my vision to get a sense of how quickly we were falling away but i couldn't. and then it was over, the parachute came out, i don't think i even had time to scream/yell. (the first time i jumped, in Interlaken, i distinctly remember yelling for most of the free fall.) after we started floating around that i start yelling a combination of, "ahhhhh! that's awesome! ahhhh! wooohooo! ahhhhh!" mike asks me how i feel and i say it was great. we do a few intense spins and twirls, he lets me steer a bit and a few minutes later we get back to solid ground. i don't know if this is the case for most people who skydive but for me, it's the anticipation, the flight up, and the free fall that make it all worthwhile.

i find myself to be a fairly calm and mellow person and perhaps that's why i like to do things that stimulate my senses. the added bonus was how this entire event came to be.i mean, it's not like we're all best friends from elementary school who made a pact to do this at a certain age. it was completely random.

now, i have a feeling girls night will be an institution to be reckoned with.

whats up party people?

2008-04-25T15:27:00.003-05:00

tomorrow i will jump out of an airplane. what, you say? Barb you're crazy. why would you want to do that?

because it's fun dammit. the fear, rush, and adrenaline of jumping out of a plane is unparalleled. UNPARALLELED. it's only about 45 seconds but it may just be the best 45 seconds after you-know-what (hint, it starts with an 's' and ends with an 'x'). but plenty of people think i'm crazy already, might as well support the rep right?

in other news, as of 5pm today i am once again professionally unemployed. never fear dear fans, i'm a-okay, my freelance gig was up. time to find another that's all. plus the weather couldn't be more perfect for some time off. you say, but Barb you just went to Maui why do you need time off? you'd be right to ask but i'm also young and time's a wastin' if you ask me. i gotta see see see what's out there. so as i mentioned in my last post, i think i really may do that road trip down the east coast. if you've got a buddy, grandmother, candlestick maker friend that needs some Bahooba! in their life, lemme know.

of course, i also need to be rational and practical so if ya'll hear whisperings of any web editor positions, do pass them along. Bahooba! would really appreciate it. though considering i've been referring to myself in the 3rd person and also plan on jumping out of an airplane tomorrow, future employers may consider me clinically insane but hey, can't hurt putting it out there right?

in any case, that's the latest with me. oh wait, that's a lie, i've also been catching up on music and as expected, Madge's album doesn't live up to the Confessions legacy. boo.

anyway, if ya'll are so inclined, i'll be around so feel free to give me a call so we can hang out bc as of now, i'm a professionally unemployed two-hand touch football player so i've got some time.

because everything happens for a reason,

barbara aka wanderlust huber

Lately

2008-04-12T17:15:00.002-05:00

I just spent a week in Maui, completely unplanned and I have to say it was quite fantastical. the sheer variety of flora and fauna that exists there (and that I'd never seen elsewhere) is spectacular. The colors were vivid. The weather was hot but not too humid. we stayed in a fully equipped 7 bdrm beachfront house. i mean, what else could you ask for? admittedly, i snuck in on this trip. i got a last minute invite and made it happen. but i'm really glad i made it. i learned to kayak and kinda love it. i jogged barefoot on the beach and kinda loved that too. i mean, these are the things i never really got to do as a city kid that never went to camp so it was nice. i'm glad i can get to do these things now. oh, and i'm skydiving on the 26th for the second time. it's so very exciting.

in other news, my current permalance gig is coming to an end in less than two weeks and i think it might be fun to drive down the east coast and just stop wherever we like. that way, we wont have to deal with flights, which are all a complete mess right now, and we can go at our leisure. i've not really explored this country as much as i have the rest of the world so perhaps it's time.

Juno

2008-03-22T08:52:00.003-05:00

Yes, I just watched it and no, i hadn't seen it yet. I think it's great. I don't think of it in terms of the Oscars or anything like that. It's a great film with heart. She reminds me of me in a way. Especially in her sense of humor. She's always got something to say. I like her name. I like her nickname. I like her dad. And I can empathize with her want of 'perfection' in the adoptive couple. I like that it wasn't about how teenage pregnancy can tear a family apart, but rather about how perhaps those who get pregnant at that age maybe be irresponsible but are not complete idiots when it comes to life. I like that it was about mac and cheese. I like that while it marginalizes dorkdom, it doesn't make it bad. At the core, the movie is about judgement or rather the lack of it. People going through life floating in and out of 'protocol' as they see fit. Because really, we don't need protocols. Really, we look to protocols more for precedent than anything else. Really, we just want a guide, a map, something that tells us how we 'should' react and do things because sometimes it's just easier that way. Especially when it's something we haven't experienced personally. There's nothing wrong with that. I think as long as you give yourself the freedom to veer off protocol as you see fit when you need it it's fine, i mean, having a map on hand has never hurt has it? Just don't think that you have to stick to it. I think it's important to FEEL free to walk down that side street and perhaps explore that alley even if you don't. Nothing is perfect, including maps. Plus I've found it's more fun sometimes when you just go.

What are you?

2008-03-11T08:51:00.004-05:00

So I went to this photo exhibit opening last night:

3/10/2008 - 5/30/2008
Solo Exhibition - Part Asian, 100% Hapa (Opening Reception 3/10, 6-8:00 PM) -
Asian/Pacific/American Institute, NYU
212.992.9651
www.seaweedproductions.com

The interest is obvious for me as someone who's half Chinese and half Swiss. But what I did not anticipate was the strange feeling of walking into a room and seeing people that look just like me. I realized at that point that it was something I'd never really felt before. I mean, it can be a hard concept to grasp conceptually. It never occurred to me that this was something that I'd never experienced. After all, while lots of people are ethnically mixed up there aren't very many places where they congregate. It's not like, if you're Chinese and just moved to NY from Hong Kong and you're feeling a little homesick you can head down to Chinatown for a bit of 'home.' Know what I mean? I know I repeated myself over and over to the people I was with and I know they were saying the same, "I've never really been in a room with people that look like me." We kept looking around, mouths slightly ajar, taking it all in. I couldn't stop looking around. People all looked so different yet similar. Some of the pieces on display(all of which had short blurbs written by the subjects about themselves) caused me to laugh out loud. If you haven't seen this exhibit or the book I'd recommend it because there certainly isn't much media out there about being mixed. Not that it's so much different from other ethnic 'experiences,' but it's still another perspective.

It was refreshing to joke about the "What are you?" question all of us mixed folk seem to get. Until that point, I'd never really encounter groups of other people who were the targets of that very same question I personally get on a regular basis. So to counter the joke it just became the first thing we discovered about each other with each new person we met. I dunno, it was an interesting bit of time. I'm sure most people take it for granted to look out into a sea of people and see lots of physical similarities but now I know that I've never really had that but I never noticed it until I did have it. It's not some 'boo hoo' thing at all, I like looking different, being different, being hard to pinpoint/label. It's an observation that I wanted to share because it blew my mind a bit. Ain't no lie...

Danes and romantic comedies

2008-02-19T20:26:00.003-05:00

Am watching Notting Hill, also read the results of a study today that claims that Danes are the happiest people because they have low (or next to no) expectations which made me think:

'Why do people love romantic comedies?'

Some say that romantic comedies build up expectations of what relationships should be in reality and then to read about the abstract of the study made me think:

'Is ignorance really bliss?'

Isn't that what adults say about children? They're happy because they are clean slates, unaffected, and any other word(s) you'd care to insert here? Now I'm not saying bollocks (remember that I'm watching Notting Hill) to biology and evolution, after all, we develop as we do for a reason. But is it possible perhaps that what works for babies and young children may not be the best for adults? Is that an unfair statement? 'Unfair' is relative. All I can base my thoughts on are my experience and in my experience I know I like romantic comedies because they make me laugh, they leave me feeling happy, and they make me aspire. I don't see anything wrong with aspiration, I mean, we are human beings what's wrong with believing that the stuff of novels and movies is possible? Why is it so outlandish to some and daily life for others?

'The only thing we have to fear is fear itself.' - FDR

Is it more that we don't believe that we can recover from a failed relationship? Perhaps. Or the fear of failed relationships? Because aren't there just as many novels and movies out there that preach that particular gospel? The Romeo & Juliet stories are just as valid I guess. Undoubtedly it's a justified fear but I think it's a matter of your perspective and experience which path you subscribe to. I think for myself... I know better than to fall victim to fear perhaps because I've felt what I imagine to be the worse of the worse. And on the flipside, if you've felt it, how can you settle for anything less?

'I'm also a girl, standing in front of a boy, asking him to love her.'

letters

2008-02-03T09:18:00.000-05:00

I work in interactive media, maintain a blog, and e-mail with the best of them yet I just felt the impulse to write a few letters. What are they? You ask. Once upon a time, people wrote what they felt about each other or even about their daily lives with a pen and paper. Mailed it. Then a few days later, it would be gleefully received. I remember, when I was 'yey' (cue: hand gesture mimicking a child's height) I remember always looking forward to getting letters in the mail. Of course, most children, love getting mail. It's a right of passage to being an adult. Even now, I ALWAYS get the mail, and sometimes between the letters from the Binghamton Alumni Association asking me for money, the notices that I've won millions of dollars, or the 5 Victoria's Secret catalogues I seem to get in one shot, I receive the occasional handwritten note and they are always the first to be opened.

I recognize that there's an irony to blogging about letter writing but it's a different method of interaction between two people that has gone the way of the horse and carriage. There's something very personal and thoughtful about letters. If you know me, you know that I despise greeting cards and it's not because I'm a scrooge who doesn't like to express their feelings. On the contrary I think greeting cards are generic because they express a pre-written, reprinted, fabricated-by-someone-in-a-cubicle-that's-not-you (btw, I work in a cubicle) sentiment. Then someone just signs their name to it and hands it off to you. Believe me, I get that this person has taken time out of their day to go out and purchase a card to give. I appreciate that. I do. And let me clarify that I have no issues with people who send greeting cards and actually write a thoughtful sentiment in it. Does that make sense? I find cards void of text other than a signature a great waste of paper. Thank you cards and Christmas cards are exempt from this rule since sheer volume prohibits excessive creativity. In any case, I was inspired by a book I excerpted for work about how to write love letters, to jot down a few thoughts to close friends and hope it brightens their day when they receive it. Hence this diatribe.

it happened this week

2008-01-26T09:45:00.000-05:00

it has been an interesting week indeed. heath ledger died, people celebrated their birthdays, and i continue to be disturbed by the radical church planning to protest ledger's funeral bc he played gay in Brokeback Mountain. what? now, actors can't even play gay? i recognize that this 'church' is in the minority, at least i hope so, but it puts a major damper on my faith in humanity when people get this crazy. okay, i get it, gay is bad. gay is anti-bible. gay is likely the culmination of everything bad in humanity. what else? feel free to add on.

i think it's a need to blame, a need to point fingers, that makes these radicals find fault in others. after all, global warming is obviously caused by gay people, as is starvation in africa, the war in iraq, osama bin laden, and the reason i like my saturday morning spin class. this last one is true, because my instructor is so awesome. but i digress. i think humans are programmed to think in terms of boxes. everything needs to fit in a box and be assigned a label, categorized, itemized, lather, rinse, repeat. when things don't fit into those boxes for whatever reason, someone needs to be blamed because something has obviously gone horribly awry. but why? why does not fitting = wrong? can we not expand our minds to think that there are other ways to live? other methods of thought? other ways to be happy? things that may not fit into our conventional boxes. new things are discovered all the time, products are improved, there's a 3lb laptop for christs' sake, modern aviation, the Smart car, i mean really. can it be a fear of the new/different if we embrace 'new' in so many other arenas? are we going to hate on the 3lb laptop bc it's different? bc it's not the 10lb laptop (or dare i say, desktop) that we own? why is it so scary to some? is it bc they're afraid they wont fit into a society that includes the new/different? perhaps. perhaps, they fear becoming the minority if this new/different catches on. (again, not to say that they're in the majority now) why is it bad to be in the minority? because that makes them different from the majority. how silly. how stupid. how obtuse. are we in the 2nd grade? i think 2nd graders may be more evolved. all this bc heath ledger played gay. if you're gonna protest someone's funeral for gayness at least pick someone that actually was gay. geezus. they can't even get that right. dumasses. damn minorities...

here's the actual story:

http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/22813570/

A Narrator?

2008-01-13T09:39:00.000-05:00

Still reading "Love in the Time of Cholera," and came across this sentence that intrigues me:

'As a kind of compensation from fate, it was also in the mule-drawn trolley that Florentino Ariza met Leona Cassiani, who was the true woman in his life although neither of them ever knew it and they never made love. He had sensed her before he saw her as he was going home on the trolley at five o'clock; it was a tangible look that touched him as if it were a finger. He raised his eyes and saw her, at the far end of the trolley, but standing out with great clarity from the other passengers. She did not look away. on the contrary: she continues to look at him with such boldness that he could not help thinking what he thought: black, young, pretty, but a whore beyond the shadow of a doubt. He rejected her from his life, because he could not conceive of anything more contemptible than paying for love: he had never done it.'

Firstly, I started only typing out the first sentence of the quote above but was so throughly enraptured by the resulting description that I had to copy the rest of the paragraph. Is there an omniscient narrator out there narrating all our stories? Is there an entity out there that has all our lives mapped out in front of them? I think so. I just hope not to ever be in Florentino's position...ever and if I were to end up there I think I'd rather not know.

Honestly I don't know why I picked this book up at Target back in December but I haven't read quote unquote literature in quite some time and I think this book prompts me to get back into it. To me there are some things that can only be described just so. Some of the complexities, floral, and ethereal qualities of language have been lost in time and perhaps it's only in reading, again, quote unquote great works (on who's invisible list?) that allow me to understand things and think about them in different lights. And isn't it in pondering things, circumstances, and life in general through different lenses and varying angles that make us as diverse and multifaceted as we are? It's our experiences that shape us but if we are limited in experience for whatever reason why not see what other possibilities and perspectives there are out there in the words of an artfully written novel?

I think one of the main things I like about this particular book is that you know the end before you know the beginning. Marquez tells you exactly how the love story ends within the first fifty pages. It freed me from rushing to get to the end to find out how the love story turns out. Do they end up together? Don't they? What happens? Instead I'm left to linger over the actual story for the remaining pages. I don't need to gloss or skim because I really do want to know how it all transpired. How it all came to be. How it all got so incredibly twisted.

Other choice quotes:

'Lionlady of my soul'
'"That may be the reason he does so many things," she said, "so that he will not have to think."'
'No: he would never reveal it, not even to Leona Cassiani, not because he did not want to open the chest where he had kept it so carefully hidden for half his life, but because he realized only then that he had lost the key.'
'She would defend herself, saying that love, no matter what else it might be, was a natural talent. She would say: "You are either born knowing how, or you never know."'
'She was yesterday's flower.'

bored

2008-01-11T09:50:00.000-05:00

I've never been so bored. i hate being sick but who doesn't? in the meantime, i'd like to ponder why it is that i know there are so many things i could be doing with this time yet i refuse to do it? thoughts?

So I watched Almodovar's "Talk to Her" yesterday and I have to say that I love him. He may be the only person who can make one feel empathy for a rapist. It is, without a doubt, a twisted story. A man essentially falls in love with a comatose woman. He knew very little about her before she feel into coma and I think he kinda makes up the rest along the way. What's interesting is the ability of the mind to not only make stuff up but for the person to then believe it. Wholeheartedly. Tricky thing that mind. Tricky tricky. it's an amazing thing.

in other news, i was just re-reading a bday card i received from a dear dear friend and i thought i'd share:

"Barb, this year I wish you more love in your live. It's not to say that you need more joy & love from friends & family because you will always have that forever without a doubt. I wish for you a kind of love that makes you flutter, a love that makes you cry, a love that makes you angelic and fly high."

i fear that this is a common sentiment among my friends about me. fear not dear friends. this is the one arena in life where i have patience. all good things come to those who wait.

An exercise in self-medication

2008-01-10T12:58:00.001-05:00

That is my challenge today. Chicken broth, grapefruit, pineapple, ginger tea, honey and no dairy products. Will it help me with this mysterious malady? I'm not sure if it's a cold combined with soreness from the gym or the flu which comes with it's own soreness. Who the hell knows. We'll see how i feel at the end of the day.

Sympathy Pains

2008-01-05T14:36:00.000-05:00

Do you believe in it? I think I do. My mood changes as the people close to me go through ups and downs. Is that bad? I don't know. I do know that after I spoke with J in her anxiety ridden mode last night, I slept horribly and have had a cloud over my head until I spoke to M this afternoon who told me that J was doing better as of this morning. Then I just spoke to J myself and I feel almost normal, except for the Nyquil from last night that has me in a fog. Hopefully coffee will cure that. It makes sense to me to be affected by the emotions of those closest to you, if you're that connected it's bound to happen. I worry for them, with them.

I went to yoga this morning for the first time in ages and vowed to go regularly once again bc i was completely inflexible. Completely. Not as smooth as I used to be and I attribute it to lack of practice, so if i were to make a resolution which I don't normally, I'd say it is to go back to regular yoga practice every week.

Lets see if i can keep to it.

We are eggs

2008-01-04T21:48:00.000-05:00

So it's the new year. I got back from 8 days in Miami (actually Hollywood, FL) this past Wednesday. What's that you say? A tough life? I know. I know. But I help make these trips happen so I deserve it. :) In any case the first 4 days were entirely relaxing, just lazing about from beach to pool to beach. But before you get green with envy I'd like to also say that I had a bit of a mental collapse. Not as dramatic as it sounds but I think I just cracked. I had a stressful week just before Christmas but really it was just me choosing to take the world on my shoulders, as is my nature. And so I snapped. I started crying. Crying. Yes. Crying. And it felt good. One of my other issues is that I don't like feeling week. Not the same as feeling vulnerable because I don't believe I have that problem. But I don't enjoy feeling that I'm not in full control or visibly showing that things do affect me. I'm not quite sure how to explain it but I do know that I was lucky to have someone there to talk me out of it. To tell me it's okay to cry and to not be the one taking care of someone else all the time. To let someone take care of me. It felt good. I know that I have to let other people take charge sometimes but I also have a fear of disappointment and abandonment so if I give those people a chance to care...and they don't I will feel all of the aforementioned things that scare me. Perhaps that's why I try so hard as a person. I want to show people that I deserve it because I've demonstrated as much to them. And so here I am. Writing this post. Pondering a quote that I recently read in "Love in the Time of Cholera:"

'She would not shed a tear, she would not waste the rest of her years simmering in the maggot broth of memory, she would not bury herself alive inside these four walls to sew her shroud, as native widows were expected to do...she would go on living as she always had, without complaining, in the death trap of the poor where she had been happy.'

Why did I feel compelled to jot this quote down?

The first reason is that I really appreciate the level of description: 'The maggot broth of memory?' Who writes that? Gabriel Garcia Marquez did and it's the ability to strike people. To make them feel things through words. This is why I do what I do. While memory is but rarely a maggot broth, it sometimes can be the thing that holds you back. Because it is memory of feeling like a disappointment, feeling like i was abandoned that makes me who I am now. But who am I to question the person I've become? On a normal day, it's awesome and it all works so this is just a vent. A bit of self-reflection as I am also prone to do. It's the things that happen to us, the things that happen around us and between us. The things we go through, the good, the bad, and all the gray area in the middle, that makes us who we are. So we crack like an egg once in awhile. We're human. It's okay.

Thanks to twins one and two who took shifts babysitting me. :)

2007

2007-12-23T11:41:00.000-05:00

It has been quite a year indeed and before I sign off for the rest of it I'd like to say that I'm very grateful for all that I've been able to do this year, the people I've met, and particularly the people I already know and love who've only gotten more fabulous. Happy Holidays!

Off to Miami via Long Island!

All my love,

Barb

Reflections

2007-11-27T19:17:00.000-05:00

The first day back from a great trip is always rough, probably one of the things I dislike the most about traveling while gainfully employed. Australia was different, didn't have the pressures of work to come back to. But today everything was kosher for Passover.

On hindsight, the trip was amazing and unlike anything I've ever done. To have a good friend taking you around their country, making every effort to show you the best...I've never really had that. Granted I could have also done with a bit more time to just stroll around but I can always do that next time.

The depth of Japanese cuisine shocked me. The depth of Japanese cuisine beyond seafood completely knocked my off my size 10.5/11 feet. Unreal. The things they do with the most basic ingredients such as tofu, rice and edamame I couldn't imagine they could be so full of flavor. So much so that I feel the need to figure out how to make some of these things at home.

Beyond the food, the people are so nice and polite, though I feel we got a bit of special treatment as gaijins. One thing that scared me a bit was the density of the crowds during the busy hours. I never met a city that could compete with New York in that way but Tokyo definitely wins. The will motor over anything that doesn't move fast enough, even the elderly are the same! ha.

I can't wait to go back again and explore the rest of the country. Though the sheer expanse of Tokyo itself is daunting. It's such a big city. BIG.

For relaxing times...

2007-11-21T20:39:00.000-05:00

make it Suntory time.

We went to the Park Hyatt last night and I was the most physically relaxed than I have been in a good while. The view from the 52nd Floor was unbelieveable and the sheer expanse that is Tokyo really slaps you in the face. It truly is a GINORMOUS city, there was no end in any direction. Lights everywhere. The Park Hyatt has mastered the art of ambiance. The space was amazing and the vibe was just as it was in Lost in Translation. It was ridiculously expensive with 3 rounds of drinks and the cover charge but well worth it. A jazz band played some classics, we were in good company, and the view was so clear that you could just admire to your hearts content. Unreal. Personally, I didn't want to leave but the rest of the crew were hungry so we peaced but if anyone is coming to Tokyo I think it's definitely a mandatory stop.

So this trip has been quite the culinary adventure so far. Yesterday(Wednesday) we went to a branch of a restaurant where every dish uses tofu as an ingredient. It was a huge meal and probably my favorite so far. I've also rediscovered my love of red bean paste. So tasty but not overly sweet, a great dessert. I like the pace of meals here, because there is so much ceremony involved (in the fancier establishments) each course is paced out well. Each dish, cup, and utensil has their own place in the space in front of you and each are moved about seamlessly, effortlessly, and with the utmost grace on the part of the server. It's almost a show in itself. I'm obviously not used to this kind of service and the funny thing is is that they don't tip here. At all. So the servers aren't doing this for extra money, they're doing it because it's their job and there is a level of pride involved which I can respect as opposed to the servers in NY who do the barest of minimums (if that) and expect exorbitant amounts of money just for being there. It's a bit backwards.

Toilets. Yes, toilets. There is a covert (which may not actually be so covert) national obsession with toilets. I think some of these contraptions are more advanced than my iPod. There are buttons for spraying, oscillating, drying, it's unbelieveable. My favorite feature by far is heated seats. But even divey bars have clean hi-tech toilets. I mean, as a woman, it works wonderfully for me but it's a very interesting phenomena nonetheless.

Japan Part Ni (2, for you non Japanese speakers)

2007-11-20T20:19:00.000-05:00

We spent day two taking almost every mode of transportation known to man. Including: cable car, trolley, train, bullet train, two camels and a horse. Okay maybe not the last two. The on day 3 we took the bus AND the Romancecar. Yes, it's really called the Romancecar but it's just a really nice train, no romance on board (at least not that I'm aware of). So once we got to Hakone we traipsed around the mountains checking out the sights while wading through the masses of senior citizens and I mean MASSES. They may be small but when they have a destination in sight they will push you over with tha quickness. no diggity. no doubt. Anyway, our final destination that night would be Yamadaya, a hot springs 'inn' where we'd have hot spring baths on site. We spent the night in our traditional Japanese robes and were served 3094823490 course meals in our room, it'll make more sense when you see the photos later. it was quite an experience. i had to put bandages on my tattoos bc i guess they aren't very 'traditional' i felt like a leper or something with big bandages all over me. we went to the baths a few times, one of which was outside with views of the surrounding countryside, t'was beautiful. this pic is mount fuji btw. yes, THE mount fuji.

Japan Part 1

2007-11-18T18:45:00.000-05:00

Hai! Whatsup party people. We're at the beginning of our second full day. Haven't had much chance to explore Tokyo since the plan is to explore the outskirts with Eri (Chika's sister) during the weekend before she has to go to work eventually...

Anyhoo, it has been pretty damn awesome so far. Alanna dozed off at dinner the first night since we were all supremely exhausted from our flight during most of which I didn't sleep at all. I officially hate American Airlines, the air hosts (aka the pc term for stewards and stewardesses) were old and cranky. I would have nothing against old if they weren't so damn cranky. Walter and I sat together and our damn video screens didn't work which actually ended up being a good thing since I finished Eat, Pray, Love during the flight. Getting into Narita (Tokyo's International Airport) was much less intimidating than what I imagine the reverse experience is for people coming into JFK where they bark and snarl at you as if you were making a run for the border. We spent yesterday in Kamakura, one of the most historical parts of Japan, which was unbelieveably picturesque. Ya'll will see what I'm talkin' about when you see the pics. I've already taken almost 200 pictures. I'm on a mission to find an image for this year's Christmas card after all! We saw the giant buddha, made lots of wishes, threw money into places for good luck, say shrines, temples, and ate some street food. ALL the street food has been spectacular so far. SPECTACULAR. Even the scary fish looked strangely edible though I dare not taste it. Without Chika and Eri I dare say it'd be MUCH harder getting around here, outside of Greece it may be the hardest place to get around without knowing the local language. Today (Monday AM) we're heading to Hakone where the hot springs are so we'll see how that goes. Nekkidness is required, eeek. We're staying there for an overnighter then the few days are all about Tokyo, Tokyo, Tokyo. Sorry this isn't as entertaining as ya'll might expect, there haven't been too many foibles just yet. Going grocery shopping at 7am and buying two bottles of wine and a bottle of sake might be a good highlight so far...

Ciao bellas! Sayonara. Until next time, or until I end up in a Japanese prison.

Oh yes, this means we've arrived safely. :)

Today is the day

2007-11-16T07:26:00.000-05:00

we leave for our big trip to Tokyo and while it wont be the longest trip i've ever been on it'll be a slightly different experience than what i'm used to. it's more planned out than anything i've done in recent memory but it was planned by a local and those are always the best experiences. it's a whole new travel group, a whole new city, and i'm a whole lotta excited to see what happens. it's kind of surreal right now that we're even going but perhaps that's because i'm on 4 hours of sleep. it may not hit me until we land or perhaps when we get out of the airport or perhaps when we see chika at Narita. Chika at Narita. Chika at Narita. Chika at Narita. haha. anyway, i'll keep it short.

Awareness

2007-11-14T09:43:00.000-05:00

I got out of the subway just now after scurrying about like a rat underground for 40 minutes and really smelled NYC air, possibly for the first time, at 42nd and 6th ave. I had been reading Eat, Pray, Love during my commute and realized that the novel that I had been reading is about awareness. This particular book, much like others worth their salt, incite emotion in people. Some swear by it, others think of Liz Gilbert as a privileged writer paid to travel for a year while she jots down her experience. Boo-effing-hoo. I get the latter but I also believe the former because in my mind you're not supposed to think about who she is because she's sharing her experience which is one that is universal, our quest as people to become aware. At least for those of us who aren't already. Myself included. Back to the air.

I smelled the air when I emerged from the subway and realized that I've smelled it before, it's a familiar city smell (likely a combination of exhaust, dirt and people. ha.) that I've noticeably encountered in my travels to other cities but not in my own. Interesting no? Am I really that absorbed in my day to day and have I been for the last 21 years I've lived here that I've never smelled Eau de NYC? It appears so. The point is not that this city smells so wonderful, because frankly it doesn't, but that I've only bothered to pay attention when I travel- to what a place smells like and from that you can infer that I've missed a lot of other things here too but perhaps conversely also why I like to travel so darn much.

To keep this from becoming a longer yarn than it needs to be on a Wednesday morning I'd like to say that I recognize that I have a tendency to focus on others, possibly in an attempt to deflect from focusing on myself. I would like to be more aware of myself and my surroundings and will work on this as I'm able. Starting with my supinated gait.

Oh and I still love NY desperately.

Intensity

2007-10-30T19:20:00.000-05:00

Just watched the season finale of Californication and the most recent episode of Weeds. I think I like the former because one of the main protagonists is a lovesick writer a very well spoken one at that who really knows how to get across what he thinks and feels. But he's no wuss. He can throw down with anyone yet joke around freely with his friends. I think I admire him in a way.
Not that I want to be lovesick or throw down but I really appreciate the intensity of his emotion and his willingness to put it out there. Yes he's older, likely wiser and perhaps with less pride to lose but one would think it could possibly be harder to admit fault and give in to starting over even if the other person is willing. I think I just appreciate people who wear their heart on their sleeve in any realm, not just romantic. Life's too short right? Isn't that what "they" always say? I still have yet to figure out who "they" really is but I feel that if we quote "them" all the time "they" must be speaking from a place of authority. haha. It's why I like this particular show. I appreciate the intensity because that's how I am when I feel strongly about things. Actually, I think I'm generally fairly intense but luckily I know how to temper it. I don't think there's anything wrong with knowing what you like and don't like because honestly, it's hard enough being sure of that in itself so why not just express it. I like to think that most of the people I hold close to me in life either appreciate intensity or are intense themselves. It's a highly underrated quality because most associate it with craziness or 'too much too soon,' or 'they're desperate.' Honestly, I agree, there are some crazies out there who play crazy off as intensity but I think those of us who are aware can tell the genuine article from those who should seek professional assistance. I'm so mean. In any case, if people have problems with my intensity they're not as involved in my life or perhaps not at all but that's by their choice so I don't feel bad about it. It's one of my defining qualities...

Lucky

2007-10-14T19:50:00.000-05:00

I'm sad. Sad bc there are so many people who aren't as lucky as I am. I just watched a Spanish movie called 'Princesa,' which is about these two young prostitutes in Madrid. One did it out of desperation to support her son, the other had such a sad life that being a whore almost seemed like an improvement. We don't know why her life was bad but we just know it was. I can't imagine the depths of sadness and desperation one must feel in that situation. I just can't. What I can't imagine even more is why some people are given that path in life and why I'm so lucky to have all that I have. I'm not going to ignore the fact that I've created a lot of my own happiness but why can't others do the same? Is it bc they're so far down that they can't pick themselves up? I don't get it. It seems that when people are down they do one of three things, they pull themselves together and get back on their feet or they choose to keep along on the same path or worse yet they fall victim to the path of the downward spiral.

Some people need help getting up.

I want to be that person for all the people I care about in my life...

Because while life can be a bitch it can also be wonderous and I want it to be wonderous as much as possible for everyone involved. I'm not gonna deny that it's a bit selfish of me bc if everyone around me is happy then what else is left for me but happiness? :)

Quality

2007-10-13T06:27:00.000-05:00

So I'm looking at my ipod playlist on itunes, i have a teeny nano that holds about 1800 songs. One would think that'd be enough no? NO! everytime M gives me new music i have to pick through what i have to see what's 'deletable' in order to fit more new tunes. it's frustrating bc it takes time to wade through music and to figure out whether you want to keep it or not. Luckily Britney's new album is easily expendable within listening to the entire thing in minutes. J-Lo's album is a but better but nuttin is grabbing me at the moment. My point is that it's the eternal debate of quality vs. quantity. We're raised in a society that always wants more more more and though intellectually i (and I hope we) know that more is not necessarily better it's a hard concept to resist sometimes. I think we've become hoarders which, if you've been to my apt, is obv a problem since I've just got so much crap.

In any case, I have a removable harddrive of music that has been Barb tested and approved and I have to be okay with knowing that I possess the music but that i can't access it whenever i want on the b-pod. Luckily, if Britney (j-Lo ain't sounding too much better at this point) keeps putting out this crap (full disclosure, I love Gimme More. Britney, gimme more o' dat yo!) I wont have such debates of music conscience.

On a similar note, there was an issue raised this week of "Are the Chinese Trying to Kill Us?" It was a posting about the recent news regarding questionable products coming out of China. DUMAS, the country of China is not trying to kill your hick ass. Stop being so egocentric. Every company is responsible for their own product. If they choose to be cheap and compromise the materials, labor, and quality control it's their ish to deal with if the product comes out horribly wrong. Do you expect the doubtless billions of factory workers (likely poor) in China have any control over A. What they make or B. How safe the product is? They're just content to have a job. There aren't unions (that I'm aware of) there to fight for workers rights as there are in the U.S. It's likely that the Chinese workers are probably getting ill from making the stuff. So are the Chinese trying to kill themselves too? It's ignorance like that that SEVERELY pisses me off. I'm no advocate for China. I've never been and have no real desire to go. Yes, I was born in Hong Kong but that's not the point. Blanket, and purposely inflammatory statements like that are obviously NOT thought through and while free speech is one of the great things about this country (and the internet) it's statements like that that encourage hate and xenophobia. Someone always has to be blamed. It must be the 'other.' I love free speech but if you're going to blame someone, blame the source not the minions.

FYI- ALL of J-Lo's songs sound the same, it's like one continuous loop.

The Wedding

2007-10-01T19:55:00.000-05:00

As many of you know I had what was likely one of the biggest weddings of my life this past weekend. It was emotional, draining, and incredible all at once. It's strange watching someone you grew up with from the very awkward high school years walk down the aisle. I've known so many stages of her and they were all very different. But watching her walk down the aisle was reassuring, she just looked straight ahead at her groom, completely calm and with full confidence. As she said, she couldn't even look at me bc she heard me sniffling. I'm a sap. Duh. In any case, it was amazing to see how confident she was. Isn't that what we all wish for? We all want to be with someone who we trust...completely, love...unconditionally, and feel...safe with. Good for her, young bride!

In any case, I am pooped, a little sad, a little amazed, and alot excited for them. Sad because it made me think that I have a long way to go, amazed that she's officially a wife, and excited to see what lies ahead for them. But I recognize that the sadness is momentary.

I was telling J yesterday that I occasionally have these flashes of overwhelming sadness and I'm never quite sure where they come from or what triggers them but I also know that if I felt that way all the time I'd probably have to kill myself. ha. But they are flashes, blips, and only seconds long. Upon reflection I think it's a sense of 'abandonment' and maybe even 'loneliness' that i've grown up with in my unconventional childhood that floods me on occasion and serves as a reminder of just how my emotional development may even be a little stunted because of it but really I think it reminds me of how different i am, how unlike everyone else i may be. sounds dramatic i know but i've yet to meet anyone who's in the same situation as me. suffice it to say i've met people who've had it worse but still not the same. which makes me realize that this is maybe why i like to be so occupied, why i like to be surrounded by people as much as possible. and that's not to say that i don't like to be alone (which i do) but perhaps i don't like too much time to be 'still.' perhaps why i choose to focus on others and not myself. perhaps why i'm so concerned with people liking me. it's all very interesting how someone like me turns being left alone as a child into an all out 24-7 party as an adult. if you know me, it makes sense and you probably know all of this already anyway. but i also like who i am, sometimes i am concerned that i don't consider my own feelings enough but overall i've really got nuttin to complain about. nuttin. i got all kinds of compliments this weekend and i appreciate them. i know that generally, i am in a good place so don't take this whole diatribe the wrong way, it's just me writing myself out as i'm prone to do. a bit of introspection never hurts and i've always enjoyed it. oh and just because i was left alone at one point doesn't negate the fact that i've had a very supportive family behind me from then onward. it's probably a woe-is-me way for me to think of myself so that i can hear reinforcement from other people. but enough of this heavy stuff.

what's up with you? nuttin' what's up with you? nuttin' what's up with you?

- what movie is that from?

waking up

2007-09-23T09:52:00.000-05:00

today i woke up happy to be alive. why? no idea. i just did and noted the feeling. did something happen last night to trigger it? well if you mean hanging out with awesome people and having a good time as i've always done, then yes. it's nice to wake up and feel good about your life. no, i'm not saving lives or changing the world but i think everyone benefits in one way or another when people are happy. so the lesson of the day is be happy, be glad to be alive.

also, karma is a biatch. believe it.

The Unattainable

2007-09-21T17:45:00.000-05:00

what makes it so appealing? the challenge? the thought of the challenge? who knows? i'm watching Californication right now which is all about a guy who goes after unavailable women after he's let the 'love of his life' leave him and get engaged to someone else. i think it may be one of my biggest fears in life: letting someone/something go that was just oh-so-right. which is why i think i don't voluntarily let people out of my life. why i cling on to everyone i even remotely get along with in any way and i'm not just talking about romantic attachments here. honestly. the people i like, i like. and why not make the best effort to find out whether we can be great friends or not? i mean, yes, there are many ppl in this world but only a small percentage of which we'll actually click with so for me i think i'd rather just throw myself in and find out for sure. no regrets right? makes sense why i've at least made out with most of my friends. you figure if you click with them in one way why not try the other? slutty as that may sound, and i really resent that word in a serious way, it's true. now, why do i resent that word? bc it's use has become gender biased. when a man, is a slut he's a mack. when a woman's a slut, she's a ho? what? who? why? puuuulease. as long as you enjoy yourself who the hell cares and the people around you shouldn't either if they're worth their salt. peace!

Dilly dallying

2007-09-09T16:40:00.000-05:00

and wandering are highly underrated activities. as much as i like planning i equally enjoy not having an itinerary. it's freeing to just be able to go without a destination or thought of time. it's partly why my trip earlier this year was so great. m and i would just roll outta bed and start walking. rarely with a destination in mind. just walked until we wanted to stop somewhere. i didn't even wear a watch for most of that month unless we had to catch a flight/bus. this weekend was kinda like that and i relished it. luckily i was with ppl who could also appreciate the aimlessness and were equally non-committal to anything else. the bonus was that it was a beautiful night in the big city so we just ended up hopping around to the bars with outdoor seating along smith st. did yet another scorpion bowl. still gross after all these years. anyway, i just wanted to say it was freeing, relaxing, and a nice change of pace for this control freak. ;)

onward to a week of virgo bdays! happy happy! love you much.

The wisdom that is...SATC

2007-09-04T19:51:00.001-05:00

"I love you too Richard but I love me more."

Just watched SATC with my seriously addicted, of course she didn't catch the fever til after the show ended, roommate. In any case, what a great quote right? It's a nice slap in the face to whoever the offender is, poignant, and sometimes (dammit) you have to put yourself first. Something I've never been too good at. You figure you're born the way you are for a reason right? Everything should work coming out of the showroom, shouldn't it? Maybe. Maybe not. I guess it depends, sometimes it's your environment and the people around you that force you to change whether it's conscious or not. I think it may all be situational. You wouldn't change if there wasn't a need to would you? We're all need-based creatures after all. The things we need change from person to person but the innate instinct is the same. So at that moment, Samantha realized that while she needed Richard (in whatever way), she recognized that she needed to be personally fulfilled first and foremost. Yay Samantha! Yes yes, laugh away that I'm making SATC so deep but it provoked the aforementioned thought.

awhile

2007-08-30T20:48:00.000-05:00

it has been. just haven't had the time. so much going on right now between work and life. plus birthday season is coming up and they are always some of the closest of friends who have bdays in sept. i ain't really complainin' tho. i've got it sweet. i've got awesome friends, great interests, and i've done most of what i've wanted to do this summer. it's characteristic of me to overbook myself so i shouldn't be shocked that i'm so effing busy. but honestly i'd rather be busy than bored.

it's interesting bc i always thought i had so much to write but honestly unless i have an observation of some sort i only write when i'm in turmoil and that's pretty rare for someone as even tempered as me. i'm fairly introspective as it is, so there's really no need to jot things down. but i will whenever the fancy strikes me, especially when i want to post stats about the ppl in my life.

i saw Feist last night and i really really do like her. i think she has an awesome voice that sounds as good live as it does on record. rare these days since everything is electronically enhanced. blah.

m and i also got tix to kelly clarkson, i loved her first album, cheesy as that may be. and whoever said i'm not cheesy obv didn't know me well. i can't wait. debating about Bebel again, not sure i really like Webster Hall as a venue plus it's right in the middle of bday extravaganza month.

speaking of sept, it's almost time to go to the lake again, so exciting. i love it, so much fun. it'll be a diff group this time. it'll be different yet hysterically fun.

then of course, there's the wedding. the big big wedding. very exciting yet also very intimidating. i'm the maid, i need a speech. ahhh. unda pressure. oh well, it's a good kinda pressure.

Fake Beach!

2007-08-17T09:33:00.000-05:00

Here I come. Heading to the Brooklyn Bridge Park "Beach" should be interesting. Who cares, just need some sun.

Had an intense convo last night that was cathartic and exceptionally worthwhile, helped me sort ish out. T'was awesome.

Am on 4 hours of sleep, hope I make it to Timberlake without conking out.

Am absolutely in love with Justin Timberlake (diff from above). He's such a great performer. So what if his show is completely rehearsed and without spontaneity? SO talented.

Am still continuously in love with Madonna. Don't worry Madge, I'll never leave you.

Am desperately in love with my friends...

Am disgustingly excited to see Mr. Taylor even though I'm too tired to REALLY express it.

- 'Cuz I ain't no Harlem black girl.'

A New Motto

2007-08-08T17:36:00.000-05:00

I think will be, work hard play harder. Now while most of you think I couldn't possibly play harder, I believe the possibility is out there. I'm working harder than ever and I feel BAHOOBA coming out soon and she's ready for a rampage. In case you haven't caught on BAHOOBA is my Hyde, though she's not a misanthrope, she just gets a lil crazy now and again. Those who have seen her can attest. But really what's the point of working hard unless there's a light at the end of the tunnel? A release. A point where you can sigh and escape until it starts up again. One day I'll have kids and a spouse to be the 'light' but for now it's ME. DAMMIT. Look out NYC!

god I'm such a cheeseball. how do you deal with me? :)

Summer

2007-08-06T20:44:00.000-05:00

Is flying by and I've only been to the beach once! What a tragedy. Work is tough right now but it just makes me more determined to enjoy my damn weekends! Say it with me people.

Worky MacWorkington

2007-07-30T20:05:00.001-05:00

Today was an important day career-wise, at least I think so. I've signed on to be the interim editor at a lifestyle portal since the current (amazing) Senior Editor is leaving for another position E.O.D. tomorrow. From what I can see, she's been a 1-woman army there for the last few years and I'm a little, more than a little intimidated. The prospect of the new is exciting and I think once I get into it (and make a few mistakes) I'll be okay. It's just something that has come out of left field since they only mentioned it to me last Wednesday. I also, know that this company isn't the quickest at hiring replacements, which is frightening in that I can be there for awhile. On the other hand maybe it's my chance to stake my claim and get in on the inside. I dunno, I'll have to see what transpires at the meeting tomorrow morning and I guess I'll have a better idea. The thought of having some freedom is intriguing as well. Like my predecessor said, "you must've done something right to get here." We'll see my friend. We'll see.

Statistics regarding friends of Bahooba

2007-07-26T14:11:00.000-05:00

I know...

5 unrelated people with the initials JF

4 unrelated people with the initials LC

I am no longer taking friend applications from anyone who's a Virgo or has a name that starts with the letters J or M

2 Megumis

2 Japanese people who are also fluent in French (not the two Megumis)

1 Bang

1 Chika

1 Winter

2 Jamies

2 Phils

2 Walters

4 Joshes

2 Julies

2 Steves

2 Lees

4 Women taller than me

Countless shorter

2 Minnesotans

5 People who worked at GTO at some point

1 Narcoleptic (you know who you are Sandy)

3 People who work at Spice Market

2 Trained dancers and a whole bunch of amateurs. :)

Dozens of Asians who don't claim to seek out other Asians and yet manage to have mostly Asian friends.

Dozens of alcoholics who really like to brunch and beach. Not simultaneously.

Are generally afraid of Brooklyn and are reluctant to go if they don't already live there.

4 iPhones

60% know me through someone else.

Most of Edgemont High School though I didn't attend.

Zero people could name my high school other than those privileged enough to attend avec moi.

And am willing to bet that many people think I went to Binghampton University, located somewhere in the Hamptons.

8 NYC natives

They're all wonderful and know and love each other. Amazing!

Disclaimer: Don't quote me on these as they are not official tabulations rather they are rough estimations and an exercise in hilarity. TGIF!

On a lighter note

2007-07-23T19:16:00.000-05:00

And now for something not so heavy I'd like to write about some wine. Until I can Yelp about it, I'll put some of my faves here. I recently ordered the Dyed-in-the-Wool 2005 Sauvignon Blanc from of Winestilsoldout.com. I confess, I bought it for 3 reasons:

1. The label is awesome.
2. It's from Marlborough, New Zealand, an area famous for sauvys.
3. Please see 1.

Then I opened the bottle. By now, winos know that screw caps are no longer just for cheapo bottles. It seems that it's mostly the French and Italian wine making traditionalists who are the die hard cork users these days. Not that there's anything wrong with that. I believe that cork can certainly add flavor to a wine that'll be aged but I ain't in that price realm yet. I tend to stick to the $10 and under category. The wine is delicious. It's light. It's slightly tart. Not too fruity. Not much of a scent though I venture to say that it tastes better than what you can smell. Overall, I would say it's a great summer wine and a good value at that.

This is another fave white; Hofer Grüner Veltliner 2006 (Auersthal, Austria). First of all, it comes in and awesome liter sized green bottle that has a bottle cap top. Beat that! Beer drinkers then to think it's some ginormous brew they've never seen. I know I know. I'm being superficial here by going with looks when I should be going by taste but honestly if winemakers don't put effort into presentation I probably wont buy it. It's a whole package deal for me. This is another perfect summer white that goes down REAL easy. Especially when it's very chilled. I've brought it to a few people's homes when I've been invited over and it has been a hit every time. I've never had someone try it that didn't like it. It's smooth. Light. Tasty.

Now for my favorite red; Enrique Foster Malbec Reserva 2003 (Mendoza, Argentina). This MAY be my all-time favorite. I had it twice the last time I was in Argentina this past February at two different restaurants and both times it was spectacular. Spectacular. It was a special the night at Gran Bar Danzon (my fave resty in Buenos Aires, possibly one of my faves in the universe, at the risk of sounding like a snot). Full disclosure, Malbecs are my favorite in general but this one was on another level. It had SO much flavor. So deep, rich, and gorgeous. It's tasty very indulgent, so much so that it almost felt sinful. Everyone at our table loved it and there were 4 discerning gay men with me. Tough crowd right? I highly recommend it, and at $20 it's a bargain. This is one of the few bottles I'd cross over the $10 threshold for. I love it. Desperately. I've never loved a wine so much from the start. P.S. This bodega only makes Malbecs so I'm betting that the others are pretty damn good as well though I've never really had any.

ENJOY!

Today

2007-07-19T01:36:00.000-05:00

It was effing scary to be a New Yorker today. You assume every happenstance is another 9-11. Can't help it even though I wasn't in the city when that happened. It was scary. It was scary. It was scary. No joke, that ish happened right outside of my building. CNN reports 1 death so far, I predict there will be a few more. Imagine being one of those ppl that died because of a transformer exploding. No way yo. No way. What a waste. You can't help but question your mortality when crap like this happens. People were breaking down, crying, screaming, abandoning ship and what are you supposed to do? It was horrible and I'll never forget that feeling though I'm glad it's nothing more serious. Treasure life. Spend it with people you love. You never know.

A Favorite Quote

2007-07-14T13:59:00.001-05:00

Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take but by the places and moments that take our breath away. - Anonymous

Simmer down now!

2007-07-13T12:36:00.000-05:00

I need to relax. Not everything is THAT serious. Enjoy!

Pet peeves

2007-07-10T14:49:00.001-05:00

It’s a wonder how people you’re close to can still be so innately different but I guess that’s the wonder of being human right? Everyone is built differently and one thing that affects one person may be something someone else doesn’t give a second thought to. It’s all insanely interesting to me yet, on occasion, drives me mad. A lot of people don’t read, listen, or ‘do’ carefully in my humble opinion. Perhaps it’s all used up in their professional capacities? Maybe they don’t feel the need to keep to the same standard with people who are supposed to be casual friends. Perhaps they just don’t care to or think of it as necessary? And that is all fine. People are entitled to their ways of being but it’s SO opposite to my behavior that I’m having a hard time comprehending it. Of course, any hardship I’m having is self-imposed. I mean, how can I fault other people if I’m the only one who cares? Or just one of the few. Is it nitpicky? Don’t I have better things to worry about? Why do some behavioral things in other people irritate me so? I’m normally so laid back yet the few things in this genre can get me riled up oh-so-quickly. I guess there’s a reason why it’s my #1 pet peeve. I wonder where that expression comes from. Is it because the peeve becomes so much a part of the person that it’s considered a pet? Ha.

Wax on. Wax off. Over and out.

The 4th!

2007-07-05T16:25:00.000-05:00

Better yet, lets start with the 3rd. I drove out to the Isle of Long at around 8pm Tues night after I got an oil change where the mechanic promptly ripped off the cover of my muffler and handed it to me. Apparently it was dangling off and it's not so necessary. We'll see. In any case, we were on the LIE by 8:30 and at our destination before 10 which was quite the accomplishment since we basically traversed the length of 495. We get there and proceed to eat A's mom out of house and home. Luckily we brought our own 'beverages' otherwise I'm sure we would have consumed every ounce of alcohol in her house. Because thats what we do. We headed down to the beach nearby with a full bottle and a bag backed to the brim with fireworks. We dubbed W Robin Hood Prince of Thieves* because he looked like he was carrying a bow and arrow from behind. Guess you had to be there. Anyway, we setup camp on the beach at this campfire already inhabited by a few neighborhood kids with one chaperone. We chatted, we shared fireworks, all was peaceful in Nottingham (*see previous reference) until voices started rising from afar. Three of our friends were by the water chatting with the chaperone and he apparently decided that it was a good time to discuss political views. DOn't we all know NOT to discuss politics when there is alcohol involved? HELLOOOOOOOOOOOO. Earth to. Needless to say, there were opposing views and there wasn't going to be a middle ground. Long story short, a beer can was thrown and we decided it was best to head back to the casa and away from the intoxicated lunatic/chaperone asap. Way to set a good example for the kids pops. The worse part is the kids didn't seem surprised at his outburst. Apparently this is normal behavior for him? How sad, when teenagers have to apologize for their parents 3 times their age.

Being a glass half full kinda group we brought the positive energy back up and hung out at the compound for a few more hours until bedtime. We got up the next day and prepped for a jaunt to a farily unexplored area of Fire Island. Tt couldn't have been more Castaway if we tried. Sans the drama and being stranded part. The 9 of us played tag football, ate lots of hot dawgs with stellar onion sauce, and participated in general merriment until the rain clouds approached and once again beat a hasty retreat to the mainland.

Back at A's dad's house, we ate more, relaxed more, laughed more, until we couldn't anymore. The rain kept us from lighting off the remainder of our contraband fireworks and for the last time on this trip we made a hasty retreat back to the big city. We were fortunate to catch the fireworks show as we drove over the Manhattan Bridge. Traffic came to a complete stop. People got out of their cars. It was quite a sight. There were big explosions of sound and color in either direction of the dark sky.

After a few lost bags, and redirects, I got home, pounced on my bed and announced to myself, "yet another successful summer shenanigan." Good stories. Great friends. Every opportunity I get to hang out and engage with people I learn more. The whole picture kinda comes together as far as who people are and why. Does that make sense? It's always easy to make assumptions about others when you don't know better. We all do. Maybe that's why I'd rather leave myself as an open book. That way people have the correct information to make their assumptions because I know when left to my own devices and when lacking details I create outlandish assumptions that have little semblance to reality. Oh that imagination of mine.

an apology

2007-06-25T19:45:00.000-05:00

so i had one of those mornings when you're dragging ass and feel the weight of the world on your shoulders. do you ever have those days? it's rare, i mean 90% of the time i'm very much positive and half full rather than half empty but today i felt almost empty. well, this morning. throughout the day i kinda gathered myself, talked to some peeps and now i'm pretty much a-ok and just in need of some sleep.

i think it gets harder and harder to recover from great days/weekends. i can't help but think, 'why can't every day be this great?' i had an awesome, jam packed with fun weekend. i want everyday to be like that but i guess if it were we wouldn't appreciate it now would we?

sometimes i think i give to much (by choice). i want to do everything and be there for everyone but it is hard, it's taxing both emotionally and physically and i have to learn to think of myself first sometimes and say no. but i don't want to say no, i've never really had to but i think i've managed to overextend and not quite sure how to go about fixing it. i love to take care of other people but i rarely let anyone take care of me. i need to let go and let other ppl take charge sometimes and realize that it's okay. have patience when things aren't done at the speed and quality i desire. let my friends be my friends and visa versa and not have me be their mother. it's alot of responsibility i've CHOSEN to take on, and i have to recognize that i can't be perfect in any arena bc it's impossible. perfection is unreachable but we all try for it don't we? i have flaws, many of them. i must let some of the pride go and accept that i can't be everything to everyone or be everywhere at once and that no one is going to judge me for it. i've tested it out here and there and it's fine. people understand, i'm not going to lose anyone bc i didn't go to a damn open bar, no one worthwhile at least. other people do it all the time but i am my worse critic. i have insecurities. i am human. i will be fine. accept that people will still love me if i have a few misses here and there. bc in the end we all just want to be accepted right? accepted and loved. possibly the two most important concepts in my life right now. i try not to judge people and i have to believe that others wont judge me for petty ridiculousness. i blame my complexes on many things. being a minority of a minority of a minority was hard growing up and i've never really expressed it until recently. i guess i've come a long way from the hermit i once was. actually i went in the complete opposite direction and perhaps i haven't found the medium. yes. mayhaps. balance. i've never had great physical balance but hope to find it conceptually. soon enough. hopefully i'll also regain some of the patience i've lost along the way. one of my favorite quotes found during my travels is, "never mess up an apology with an excuse" so in this apology to myself, even though i know where i can place the blame i wont use it as an excuse to keep on in this manner. bc i owe myself better. more. thank you words, my hands and blogland for helping me sort out my thoughts once again. ciao!

oh and don't forget to check out our fab new music video! it's much more lighthearted than this post!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2LJxnihyXxk

Time

2007-06-24T10:31:00.000-05:00

It seems that the only time I have to blog these days is on the weekend, oh well. It's better that I don't have too much time to sit and think anyway. Besides, it's summer and i'd rather be out and about. The weekend started with an unexpected 4am rager Thurs night. geezus. I've gotta stop going places where I know the bartender. I was a bit fat ginormous mess til noon the next day. Needless to say, being at work was interesting but I was in much better shape than a certain someone else who made it into her office at a decidedly more leisurely hour past 9am. Damn that shellfish. Adolescent as it might sound I love those random unexpected nights and I REALLY enjoy rehashing it the next day. So mature I know. I know. A bunch of us spent the day in Long Beach yesterday and it was one of the magical summer days. It was relaxing, full of laughter and slightly unexpected and we couldn't have asked for a better day weatherwise. There was a beautiful breeze but the sun was strong. Barely a cloud in the sky. Once again, a great group of people. God I love summer. And today, drum roll please, is Pride. Usually one of the best days of the year bc people are just out and about without a care in the world. So what if it's a Sunday! In any case, I must be en route to J + J's party. Enjoy!