an apology

so i had one of those mornings when you're dragging ass and feel the weight of the world on your shoulders. do you ever have those days? it's rare, i mean 90% of the time i'm very much positive and half full rather than half empty but today i felt almost empty. well, this morning. throughout the day i kinda gathered myself, talked to some peeps and now i'm pretty much a-ok and just in need of some sleep.

i think it gets harder and harder to recover from great days/weekends. i can't help but think, 'why can't every day be this great?' i had an awesome, jam packed with fun weekend. i want everyday to be like that but i guess if it were we wouldn't appreciate it now would we?

sometimes i think i give to much (by choice). i want to do everything and be there for everyone but it is hard, it's taxing both emotionally and physically and i have to learn to think of myself first sometimes and say no. but i don't want to say no, i've never really had to but i think i've managed to overextend and not quite sure how to go about fixing it. i love to take care of other people but i rarely let anyone take care of me. i need to let go and let other ppl take charge sometimes and realize that it's okay. have patience when things aren't done at the speed and quality i desire. let my friends be my friends and visa versa and not have me be their mother. it's alot of responsibility i've CHOSEN to take on, and i have to recognize that i can't be perfect in any arena bc it's impossible. perfection is unreachable but we all try for it don't we? i have flaws, many of them. i must let some of the pride go and accept that i can't be everything to everyone or be everywhere at once and that no one is going to judge me for it. i've tested it out here and there and it's fine. people understand, i'm not going to lose anyone bc i didn't go to a damn open bar, no one worthwhile at least. other people do it all the time but i am my worse critic. i have insecurities. i am human. i will be fine. accept that people will still love me if i have a few misses here and there. bc in the end we all just want to be accepted right? accepted and loved. possibly the two most important concepts in my life right now. i try not to judge people and i have to believe that others wont judge me for petty ridiculousness. i blame my complexes on many things. being a minority of a minority of a minority was hard growing up and i've never really expressed it until recently. i guess i've come a long way from the hermit i once was. actually i went in the complete opposite direction and perhaps i haven't found the medium. yes. mayhaps. balance. i've never had great physical balance but hope to find it conceptually. soon enough. hopefully i'll also regain some of the patience i've lost along the way. one of my favorite quotes found during my travels is, "never mess up an apology with an excuse" so in this apology to myself, even though i know where i can place the blame i wont use it as an excuse to keep on in this manner. bc i owe myself better. more. thank you words, my hands and blogland for helping me sort out my thoughts once again. ciao!

oh and don't forget to check out our fab new music video! it's much more lighthearted than this post!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2LJxnihyXxk

Time

It seems that the only time I have to blog these days is on the weekend, oh well. It's better that I don't have too much time to sit and think anyway. Besides, it's summer and i'd rather be out and about. The weekend started with an unexpected 4am rager Thurs night. geezus. I've gotta stop going places where I know the bartender. I was a bit fat ginormous mess til noon the next day. Needless to say, being at work was interesting but I was in much better shape than a certain someone else who made it into her office at a decidedly more leisurely hour past 9am. Damn that shellfish. Adolescent as it might sound I love those random unexpected nights and I REALLY enjoy rehashing it the next day. So mature I know. I know. A bunch of us spent the day in Long Beach yesterday and it was one of the magical summer days. It was relaxing, full of laughter and slightly unexpected and we couldn't have asked for a better day weatherwise. There was a beautiful breeze but the sun was strong. Barely a cloud in the sky. Once again, a great group of people. God I love summer. And today, drum roll please, is Pride. Usually one of the best days of the year bc people are just out and about without a care in the world. So what if it's a Sunday! In any case, I must be en route to J + J's party. Enjoy!

Cities I've Visited

According to a new Facebook application I've visited at least 56 cities. That's alot of effing places and I know there's more bc there were cities I entered that weren't listed. Lucky me.

So A and I cohosted a party last night at his ridiculously awesome casa (or you can call it the casa of ridiculousness depending on how you look at it). Two blood gushing wounds later from two different ladies (and of course I was one of them) I'd say it was a huge success! I can't remember the last time I left a house party at 3am. Must have been good right? The eternal question is, why do some people love to party and others, not so much? What is in my blood besides lots of alcohol that urges me to party until I can't stand any more (doesn't happen often). Can it be explained away by saying that I'm an extrovert? A people pleaser? Or just generally friendly? If I had to come up with a reason I'd say that I will basically do anything that has even a remote chance of making me laugh and have a good time. You say, don't most people? I say, I may be more aware of 'good time potential' than most. I think about everything I do in the international currency of fun. And damn it if I'm not good at it. Challenge me! I dare you. ;) Why not make sure that everything you do is worthwhile and memorable? What's the point otherwise? Who wants to be remembered as a workaholic (not that that would ever happen) or a square? F that party people. Surround yourself with like-minded people like I have and live like you mean it!

Lake Vino 2007

As I anticipated, this weekend was amazing. We drove leisurely up to Seneca Lake over some unpaved roads and through trees to find a lakeside oasis. The house owner's pics didn't do the place justice. Plain awesome.

But what was more awesome was having 11 people (not all of which knew each other) have such a great time. The sheer amount of laughter and genuine good cheer was well worth it. Honestly my throat hurt on Sunday from to much laughing and screaming. How many people can say that? I got to know a few people better and languished in the glow of people I already love. This year's music video made it's debut and it is just as fabulous as the first. Look out for it!

Moments

Do you realize that as you walk by people they're all possibly having huge moments in their lives and that it's something you're a part of just by being in the vicinity as a spectator? I walked by the local cobbler this morning and caught a moment when he was talking to his wife and his hand went to grasp his forehead. By his gestures I would say whatever they were discussing was a bit of a shock to him but it was only a second of time in all our worlds and that's what I saw. Then I remembered recently that while I was on Long Island there was a police standoff blocks away and I thought, 'Geez, there are people steps away who are likely going through serious emotional and/or physical drama.' Obviously there's nothing to do about it as a spectator but it's something that struck me.

Another awesome quote

So I believe I've decided to get another tattoo but like the others, I'd like it to mean something. There are many quotes that I absolutely love but I can't have a novella written on my body now can I? I think I want something that means, "seize the moment." Perhaps I'll use those exact words but I want to find a nice script to match it. Just now I came across yet another quote that I really really like and I wanted to share with my adoring public even if it is just 1 or 2 of you. :P

“The only people for me are the mad ones, the ones who are mad to live, mad to talk, mad to be saved, desirous of everything at the same time, the ones who never yawn or say a commonplace thing, but burn, burn, burn, like fabulous yellow roman candles exploding like spiders across the stars and in the middle you see the blue centerlight pop and everybody goes "Awww!”

I like that sentiment. Do you?

TGIF

It's Friday night and I'd rather stay in.

I'd rather hang out with friends than go to a bar.

I'd sooner freelance than be a staffer stuck doing other people's crap.

The thrill I get from planning trips with friends is just about as great as a rollercoaster ride.

I'd rather know that I've done something to earnestly help people even if it wears on me than stand by and do nothing.

I'd rather action over caustic static.

I'd rather routine with a side of impulse than dubious uncertainty from day to day.

I surround myself with people who laugh heartily and often.

I'd rather people speak what is in their heart and not what they think should be said.

I think I read people very well.

Sometimes I'd rather drive without a destination.

I love traveling but I'll always come back here.

I crave simplicity with the occasional fun drama.

I value laughter, loyalty, honesty and love above all.

I need to stop watching The Tudors.